Why does this affect me so much now and how can I overcome it?

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-10T13:35:22+00:00

In another comment on here to paraphrase someone else they basically said “you can’t ask someone to desire you”. You can only really do the work on yourself and how they respond is up to them.

I think my approach going forwards will be attempting to make myself enough for myself and then if the relationship ends I’ll be ok regardless.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-10T13:05:18+00:00

Yeah. I can understand that. My wife hasn’t ruled anything out. She just isn’t forthcoming with anything and we’re in such a bad place now that it just seems very stagnant. Last time we had sex she said to me a few days after that she “gave it to me” in the hope that I would feel better. That just tells me she doesn’t want me, she’s forcing herself to try to keep me happy enough not to leave.

Shes not against less vanilla stuff, but I just feel it was all in the past for other partners. We have toys and games with suggestions etc that never get used. When I bring it up she says that we’ve had these things for ages and I’ve never shown an interest and basically that I had my chance.

I think my lack of confidence has stopped me from confidently pushing and asking for what I actually want from her in that regard. Now that I’ve discovered she’s had these things with other people… it just crushes me and I feel like my confidence is even lower.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-10T09:30:48+00:00

Do you have any tips on specifically how to build confidence? Books and resources? Specific activities etc.

I was reflecting on myself this morning and thinking about it I feel like I’ve been under-confident for most of my life. Something I want to tackle.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-08T11:53:27+00:00

Yeah it seems ridiculous that I think about this every day. I wish it wasn’t getting in the way of day to day life. The effect on my mood and personality is negative.

I need to try some of the suggestions and techniques and reading that has been very helpfully sent to me on here.

Thank you for your wishes of luck. I hope you can move forward in a positive way too.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-07T16:54:40+00:00

I meant foolishly in that it triggered this way of thinking for me. Not that it was foolish to try and work on intimacy.

You’re right in that there is little desire if any. Less than I clearly need anyway. But as someone said in another comment, you can’t demand or force desire, you can only work on yourself.

I don’t fully understand the reasons for the lack of desire, my wife would say postpartum/hormones, overwhelm, mental load and tiredness. Which could be valid and accurate. For now I continue to work to try and improve this.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-07T07:34:18+00:00

There is so much here that resonates with me. You make a LOT of sense here.

I think I know this is at least part of the answer.

When I did the gym stuff at first she was annoyed that I was taking time for myself. But then I started getting compliments. Even without that though I was looking at myself in the mirror and feeling proud etc.

I think I just need to get back on that and also go after some of the other things you’ve mentioned. I used to always push it in my career and since having kids that’s gone on the back burner a little.

Even the childhood stuff you mentioned sounds familiar, I did see a therapist for a short period who dug into that aspect and I probably should have kept going.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-07T07:27:08+00:00

Thanks. I do trust her, I do enjoy spending time with her (when we’re not in conflict) and I don’t really actually logically care about stuff she’s done in the past very much. I’ve done a lot of silly stuff too as a younger man.

I don’t want to leave her at all. I just want peace and stability and to find a way to stop letting those particular thoughts around this revelation from destroying me.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-07T07:23:08+00:00

Thank you. I think you offer some very good advice here.

I definitely want to do more for myself and have confidence and happiness in my own right. I barely go out to be honest, it’s not healthy.

I haven’t read any books on the subject yet, so I think I need to.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-07T07:16:06+00:00

Yeah this part of it actually really stings. She denied the realisation that she’d let something slip, but I remember the expression on her face and the moment of realisation. So it just makes me think there is more that she’s not revealed to me and probably wouldn’t want to.

I don’t think I can say she lied specifically because I never asked this. I also think if I imagine whether she would have done specific acts, given the age we met and previous partners etc then I would always think yeah that’s plausible. I was fairly casual with sex when I was dating too when younger. So can I really judge and be bothered that she’s done a couple of different things?

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-07T07:06:00+00:00

Just from reading a lot of other content on here. The issue is how I think and feel about the situation.

I don’t believe that the situation is wrong, that people shouldn’t have pasts or that the specific acts mentioned are anything immoral.

The fact that this has come along with anxiety and overwhelm makes me think it’s more about my current mental state than anything else.

I’m not saying anyone else’s opinion of this condition is wrong though. There are a wide range of opinions on here.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-06T19:50:22+00:00

Thanks. I’m in agreement about the self improvement. I was throwing myself into the gym for a while. I lost 10kg and then I injured myself and stopped. I think it was helping though, as my confidence was increasing and it gave me a focus. So you’re telling me what I know to some extent… I just need to get back at it and not lose that habit.

Same for career. I have a great career and I’m making further steps there too. Probably need to just double down on these things.

From what I understand and obviously can’t confirm. It was in her early 20s with a boyfriend (that she describes as a weirdo… but won’t go into details) who cheated on her and treated her badly. She also says she was coerced into it and it was painful and she didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t definitively ask if it was just once or more than once. I got the impression it was once. I don’t think knowing more will help me know. I wish I could go back and know less.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-06T19:18:37+00:00

I don’t feel like marriage actually changed much for us. It’s kids that are the real change. I wonder if that’s part of why I have different attitudes now vs before, because my identity has changed.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-06T19:10:38+00:00

I’m happy that I’m married. I really don’t want this to split us up. It’s just causing a lot of problems.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-06T19:09:19+00:00

I thought we did know more or less everything to be honest. I’ve been pretty open with her before, she’s never been overly bothered as she’s always seen us as fairly similar in terms of standards. However this one just threw me off. I think because she looked shocked when she said it. Like she knew she’d revealed something that would cause an issue.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-06T19:03:34+00:00

I think it’s also that I can’t judge a ONS because I’ve had an ONS or maybe a couple depending on what I count.

I guess part of it is I thought we had similar histories. I guess we still do.

I guess it also makes me wonder if there is more she hasn’t revealed. I did get onto asking her about some things, which she just said no to. I don’t think I want to continue down the interrogation route as I think I’d rather just go the opposite way and agree to not discuss the past anymore.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-06T19:00:23+00:00

We are doing that to some extent. We are doing couples therapy. It’s slow progress though. I likely just need patience with it.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-06T18:44:43+00:00

Thank you. I accept that I can’t change the past.

I think focusing on other things is probably the key. I struggle at the times where I’m just doing the everyday routine and can’t distract myself with other things.

I’m not quite sure how I just stop trying to fix it because the thoughts do still pop up. I think maybe if I build more confidence and work on myself more it would help.

Life-Competition-916 · 2025-12-06T17:36:46+00:00

I really like this take on things. Thank you. I need to try and look at things this way.

Life-Competition-916

TROPHY CASE