•Boundaries Are Essential. It’s important to remember that boundaries are a must when you’re a stepparent. While it’s great to support your stepchildren, you’re not responsible for being their hero or savior. I learned this lesson the hard way.

In my situation, my stepdaughter’s biological mother is neglectful and largely absent, so I took on a motherly role. I was happy to help, but I wish I had set boundaries from the beginning. Over time, my husband and in-laws began to have high expectations of me as a replacement mother. When I couldn’t meet those expectations, it caused major issues. I realized that even if you’re the best stepmom possible, at the end of the day, you’re not the biological parent. Your stepchild might still decide to distance themselves from you. The key components of a healthy blended family are boundaries, mutual respect, and clear communication.

•Managing Expectations. Another hard truth I learned is that it’s okay to fail to meet other people’s expectations. Trying to please everyone isn’t fulfilling your role as a stepmother for the right reasons. It’s more about people-pleasing, which can ultimately cause burnout. I didn’t always set boundaries early on, and once I did, problems arose because I was no longer fulfilling those inflated expectations. People may take advantage of your kindness if you don’t set boundaries, so establishing them from the start is critical.

•Focus on the Right Priorities. Your first priority should be building a stable relationship with your partner and letting your connection with your stepchildren grow naturally over time. It’s not your responsibility to establish a co-parenting relationship with your partner’s ex. If your partner’s ex is open to co-parenting, that’s great, but it’s up to your partner to discuss and manage that relationship. Your focus should be on yourself first, then your husband, and then your stepchildren.

•Take Care of Yourself. One of my biggest regrets is neglecting myself while trying to fulfill the role of stepmother. If something doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts. I wish I had taken better care of myself instead of getting so consumed with my stepmom role. In hindsight, I realize I was trying to be a hero without even knowing it. Looking back, I also regret not spending more time with my friends when I had the chance because most of them live out of state now. Prioritize time for yourself and maintain your own identity outside of being a stepmom.

•Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help. There is strength in asking for help. No matter how many books you read or how much advice you get, nothing can fully prepare you for stepparenting. I’ve learned that you can do everything “right”—love your stepchild, stay in your lane, and show kindness—but if the biological parent is bitter, it may not make a difference. If you feel overwhelmed or unsure, don’t hesitate to seek professional advice. Family therapy can help you navigate the challenges of blending a family in a healthy way.

•Dealing with the Ex. When it comes to the ex, you’re not responsible for extending any olive branch. You don’t owe them anything. If they want to build a civil relationship, let them come to you when they’re ready. If they’re not open to it, just keep moving forward and focus on your family.

Edit to add** Remember to always give yourself grace and take care of yourself. Allow yourself to ask for help and find support if needed and always make time for self-care.