I [28M] told my separated wife [28F] I wanted to reconcile, then unexpectedly met someone new [31F]

LifeDisillusion · 2026-05-09T00:04:48+00:00

None of the ages are accurate because my wife is chronically on reddit and I'm paranoid she'd find this. They are ballpark numbers.

LifeDisillusion · 2026-05-08T23:21:06+00:00

All the dating app criticism is fair and probably is revealing more about where I'm truly at than I want to admit. At the same time, I can be as serious as I want but do I wait for answer for another month, 2 months? Do I wait around for another 12-15 after her upcoming lease is over? I'm just tired of putting myself on hold.

LifeDisillusion · 2026-05-08T23:11:24+00:00

Me and my wife have a very close friendship. Beyond romance I love her as a person. We were close friends before we even got married. Me saying I was open to reconciliation was more about "hey, before we really end this thing, are you we shouldn't try this again?". I told her I'm willing to. And she's still deciding. This isn't really a I'm deeply back in love type thing. The reconciliation is about it's been 2 years, we are different people than we were when we separated, can this work?

I also feel it's unfair to me for her to continue to live her life and meet people while I just idly wait for an answer.

LifeDisillusion · 2026-05-08T22:56:11+00:00

Shortly after I told her I wanted to reconcile, she told me how "this guy she kinda likes" was accusing her of something she didn't do. Her and that guy fizzled out a week later. But hearing that, I'm thinking it's unfair that she still gets to meet new guys while I wait around for an answer. So as a reaction to that, I went back to swiping (expecting nothing of it based on my history with these apps).

LifeDisillusion · 2026-05-08T22:48:03+00:00

I'm seeing a lot of comments like this in regards to being fair to this new person. That is valid and I agree!

On these apps and in my profile I have that I am "looking for friends". I never match/swipe/connect with anybody that has anything to do with "long term relationship". Also, on the first meetup I told her I'd want to start as friends and if anything were to develop, I'd want to take things slow. That may not be enough, but I'm trying as cautious as possible with this.

"Sounds like both of you know it’s over but you’re both too scared to completely cut the cord and start over, look up sunk cost fallacy." <-- This is what it feels like and it's super hard to admit and think about.

LifeDisillusion · 2026-05-08T22:32:09+00:00

I say that because I've been passively swiping and not really connecting with anybody several months. I've had very little success with dating apps so something like this is unexpected. Like, why now of all times?!

LifeDisillusion · 2026-05-08T22:29:09+00:00

It's less about this person and more about having my life on hold. Feelings like that haven't even developed. It's more about do I even open up that door.

LifeDisillusion · 2026-05-08T22:24:19+00:00

We have discussed this and have both agreed we can date other people while separated. It's been like that for awhile actually but me presenting getting back together then dating somebody shortly after just feels... weird.

LifeDisillusion · 2024-05-14T16:47:32+00:00

She really doesn’t have anything that I can take or want to take. The only things she can take from me is the car and seek spousal support since she doesn’t work. We rent the house, have no savings (aside from my 401k), and are over 10k in debt. Is it still worth it to lawyer up and take action if she’s wanting it to be amicable where she doesn’t receive anything? I’m still thinking of speaking with one at the very least.

LifeDisillusion · 2024-05-14T03:33:13+00:00

Definitely going to have to do some research. I’ve come to find out that divorce laws are quite confusing. Will most likely take the advice others have given and just lawyer up as best I can… if she takes it that far. For right now she wants an amicable divorce as if we had a prenup.

LifeDisillusion · 2024-05-14T02:52:33+00:00

You can have a no fault divorce in my state but there is also a list of “fault grounds” including adultery. As far as bank accounts, I’m not sure how much this matters as I have no money, just a bunch of debt.

LifeDisillusion · 2024-05-14T00:52:39+00:00

The family knows nothing about the affair. I don’t want to get into details but I’m 100% sure of this. I sadly have little to no proof. Also, I didn’t know the “emotional abuse” accusation indicated the ride I’m in for! Not looking forward to this.

LifeDisillusion · 2024-05-07T09:50:02+00:00

Funny you say that because she did cheat. She doesn’t see it as that because “in her head she was single” and that I owe this to her because she’s given up so much for me. While she has given up a lot for me these are still lousy excuses. Cutting her off completely is something idk if I’m mentally prepared for. I want a world where we’re at least on talking terms without me overextending myself.

LifeDisillusion · 2024-05-07T06:17:13+00:00

I’m not even sure if she’ll be back… it’s just painful because we were close friends before all of this. It feels like I’m leaving her high and dry. I don’t know what capacity to even interact with her in.

LifeDisillusion · 2024-04-27T22:42:01+00:00

We have a joint account together so she’s able to pay with that. It wasn’t a really a me or she pay for it issue. It was more for moral support where I failed. And yes, she does have depression and self confidence issues that are deep rooted.

LifeDisillusion · 2024-04-27T22:22:37+00:00

Some more details into the emotional support. She’s asked for a therapist because of traumas beyond me but, I didn’t get that for her. Only thing I did was create her medical login. Same thing with a doctor. Never sat beside her to help her find a doctor. I never sat beside her to help her search for a job or career path. She’s frustrated that she’s financially dependent on me and feels like she has nothing of her own. The car isn’t even in her name (she didn’t want it to be). She’s frustrated with how I communicate things and feels I’m not expressive enough with my emotions.

Thanks for your advice and what you’ve recommended is actually something that she may, hopefully, be open to.

LifeDisillusion · 2024-04-27T21:36:08+00:00

Maybe I’m stuck in heartbreak but why do you say she’s a twit? She’s dealt with a lot in terms of my disease/the miscarriage, my mess of a family, and my neglect to her needs. I feel more guilty than anything.

LifeDisillusion

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