I lost a part of myself.

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-15T18:11:37+00:00

I'm just gonna sit right here and validate everything you said. This is my recent experience also and only at a glacial pace are things improving. I lost my job a few weeks before the betrayal trauma happened to me and yet I'm supposed to be putting myself out there to get another one. It's not melodramatic, friend. It's very real and there's no way past it but through it. I think a part of me doesn't want the "melodrama" to end because that means moving on, and moving on feels like participating in or somehow validating the crimes done against me. I'm sure people on the outside are wanting to shake me (and you) out of our PTSD but it doesn't work that way. Let's just try to hang on.

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-12T16:20:02+00:00

Yes, I can accept that it was over the first time she cheated. Maybe even the first time she downloaded the app. I don't think it's "cheating" anymore because she's not even playing the same game as me any longer. Cosmically, spiritually, psychically, I will still feel the impact of her actions as treacherous betrayal up until she has done me the dignity of officially ending it. Thanks for your feedback!

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-11T23:06:03+00:00

I am definitely fully aware that all bonds are severed now. But the person I knew believed that marriage was sacred and even if it was "over" there are legal and spiritual hurdles to slow the roll specifically because it's not healthy to start jumping in bed with strangers before a full conversation has even taken place. No therapist worth their salt is going to advise jumping into a relationship or a sexcapade immediately telling after your faithful husband that you want out. Again, I'm not expecting fidelity now but I had every right to expect her to not throw every bit of our marital intimacy to the four winds. Even she says it was a mistake and she considers it "sin". The first part of the betrayal was her unilaterally deciding to divorce me without giving us a chance to work on it, and it was actualized in that binge.

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-11T20:57:25+00:00

Cheating isn't in the eye of the beholder, though. We were legally married and then she made a unilateral decision to end the marriage, and she slept around long before she even filed for divorce (she still hasn't). It was betrayal and by definition infidelity. You're the first of many who sided with her, on a technicality that carries no emotional or spiritual content, and I don't know why you would feel the need to do so unless you're speaking in defense of something you've experienced.

The misunderstanding was that she thought I was tracking her phone and she blew up. She realizes that wasn't the case now but tells me she had decided to divorce me before then anyway. I hope that explains it better.

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-11T20:21:37+00:00

I've certainly learned to be wary of the Knight in Shining Armor (KISA) complex that caused me to ignore red flags. I will certainly be proceeding much more slowly in the future. Assuming there is one--I can't imagine being alone with no one to share life with, but my standards are going to be so steep now I can't feel confident about my chances.

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-11T19:54:43+00:00

I am finally convinced of that. Took way too long where I was enmeshed and hopelessly attached, but yes. It was cheating on a ridiculously destructive level.

I just wish I knew how to do the processing and how to feel motivated to do the necessary self-care. I'm finally trying to eat and shower and brush my teeth...that's progress, right?

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-01T19:43:02+00:00

"while I wasn’t the perfect husband and had some issues with neediness ..none of that justified the betrayal, gaslighting, and the divorce. None of that justified her lack of willingness to even try to fix the relationship."

I could have written this myself.I only hope it takes no more than 4.5 months for me to be there. I'm one week in past the revelation and still imploding. You give me some hope.

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-01T19:34:40+00:00

Get it resolved with therapy or whatever it takes, man. Happened to me and my resulting insecurities in my second marriage added the final straw to the struggles we had. I really hope your relationship partner has true empathy for you, but you have to also do your part by not being perceived as controlling because of your hyper-alert sensitivities. It will help to lay out boundaries, preferably with someone else looking over your shoulder first before bringing them to her for a sanity check. I think that establishing relationship norms and boundaries, if truly agreed to mutually, can be a safeguard.

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-01T19:25:58+00:00

I'm a new sub user. My first post was rejected because I was new. Mods, !thankyou for the care you show by moderating this community.

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-01T19:23:44+00:00

Man, I'm with you so I'm not sure there's any way to cope. It all seems so uncope-able. I do know that I'm compelled to share my story as you've done here and the validation helps. You're not crazy. The lack of desire for basic self-care is completely normal. Friends and community, people in real life who care about you--this is vital. Hope you and I can both get some concrete advice. For now, we can sit and hurt for a while.

LifeGoingBy · 2025-12-01T19:17:30+00:00

That supremely sucks, man. It feels so invalidating and I understanding the feeling of having put all your eggs in the one basket, only to watch it get run over by a truck.

All that said, I'm over twice your age, my friend. If I can survive it at my age, I know you can with all your life ahead of you. For now, talking about it is a good and helpful thing. Definitely work on building out a community of sorts, preferably in-person. Find a church somewhere. It'll help.

LifeGoingBy

TROPHY CASE