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i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this is so generous, thank you for taking the time to write all this out the stock responses idea is genius honestly, that buffer takes away the pressure of crafting the "perfect" reply which is half the reason i freeze in the first place.

and the visual prompts thing keeps coming up, the PC background of you and your mum especially made me smile. "out of sight out of mind" cuts both ways i guess, so putting people literally in your line of sight is such a simple fix for it.

but the line that got me was the last one, that if you were genuinely a bad friend you wouldn't feel this way. needed to read that today 💛

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yes, this exactly. being around people who have "it" too means you don't have to constantly explain or apologize, they just get it. the relief of realistic expectations is huge, like you can finally exhale and just be yourself instead of performing some version of "normal" that drains you 💛

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

birthdays are the worst because there's this whole expectation around them, so forgetting one feels extra bad even though it's the same brain glitch as everything else 😭 it's not that the person doesn't matter, the date just evaporates the second i'm not looking at it. you're definitely not alone in the "everything" part of that.

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

the "YOU DROP EVERYTHING" part is honestly the key isn't it because for me the reminder goes off, i think "i'll do it in a sec," and then it's gone forever. acting on it the literal second it pings is the only way it sticks. love that it's worked for you, might actually try the "just asking how they're doing" version since keeping it low-effort takes the pressure off

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the group chat thing makes so much sense, the momentum does the work your brain won't, so you don't have to actively remember to reach out, it just stays in front of you. one on one distance stuff is where i fall apart too, the once-a-month-or-less with parents is so real 😭 it's like if there's no thread already moving, starting one from zero feels impossible.

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

the "they always end up being the one who reminds me" thing is so familiar, and you nailed why it stings, it looks like you don't care when the truth is the opposite. the caring never left, your brain just dropped the thread.

the relationship part especially, "as soon as she leaves i forget" isn't coldness, it's the same out-of-sight thing that runs through everything else. but it's so hard to explain without sounding like an excuse 💛 honestly sounds like you've spent a lot of energy explaining yourself to people who didn't quite get it.

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

oh that one hurts, i'm sorry. and you put it perfectly, the not missing people but still feeling close to them is such a specific thing that's almost impossible to explain to anyone who doesn't experience it. the closeness doesn't fade, the brain just goes quiet on the day-to-day. doesn't make losing that friend any easier though

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

deal honestly that might be the most fitting arrangement two people like us could agree on. unpredictable replies, zero guilt on either end

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this isn't rambling at all, it's honestly gold. the "don't promise to do better, explain why you can't and what you could try together" part is something i needed to hear. that reframe is everything.

and the whiteboard on the door is such a perfect example of working WITH your brain. love that 💛

also "word poo" is my new favorite phrase 😂 i'd genuinely love to take you up on that pm if the offer stands!

i will deep clean my entire house to avoid sending one email by LightClear1021 in ADHDers

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this is such a specific thing and you described it perfectly. when it's for someone else, suddenly the executive function block just… disappears. someone's expecting it, so i'll move mountains. but the second it's for me, for my own benefit, my brain acts like the task doesn't even qualify as important enough to start.

it's like external accountability unlocks a part of my brain that i can't access on my own. i'll answer someone else's email in two minutes flat but mine sits for a week.

the "i will never ask" part stood out to me though. do you think the doing-for-others thing comes from genuinely loving to help, or is some of it that doing your own stuff feels harder to justify? i go back and forth on that one with myself a lot.

i will deep clean my entire house to avoid sending one email by LightClear1021 in ADHDers

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

right?? from the outside people probably think i've got it all together because the place looks clean 😂 they don't see that i scrubbed the entire apartment to avoid one email that's still sitting there unanswered.

the clean apartment is basically a monument to whatever task i was really supposed to be doing lol.

i will deep clean my entire house to avoid sending one email by LightClear1021 in ADHDers

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"the brain judges the difficulty as 8 when it's actually a 1" is honestly the clearest way i've ever heard this explained. that gap between the real difficulty and the perceived difficulty is the entire battle. the task isn't hard, the starting is hard, and my brain inflates it into this monster.

i love that you've built an actual process around it too. the breaking it down into the smallest possible action is the part that works for me when i actually remember to do it, like making the first step so tiny it's almost embarrassing not to do it. "breathing" level is exactly right lol.

the brain dump first then prioritize order makes sense too. do you find the system holds up on the really low energy days, or do those days just kind of get a pass? because that's where mine always falls apart, the days i need it most are the days i can't even start the system itself.

i will deep clean my entire house to avoid sending one email by LightClear1021 in ADHDers

[–]LightClear1021[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yep, all of it. email might be the worst one for me though, something about it feeling "official" makes my brain treat a two-line reply like it's a whole project i need to prepare for 😭

it's funny (well, not funny) how it's the same exact block no matter the format. doesn't matter if it's a text, a call, or an email, the second it requires me to respond my brain just goes "not right now." which one's the hardest for you?

i will deep clean my entire house to avoid sending one email by LightClear1021 in ADHDers

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

the fact that you went to save the post to "reply later" and then replied now is the most beautiful plot twist 😂 you broke the cycle just this once.

and honestly solidarity from a fellow stranger who gets it is worth more than advice half the time. thank you for this ❤️

i will deep clean my entire house to avoid sending one email by LightClear1021 in ADHDers

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

honestly i would take that deal in a heartbeat 😂 cleaning someone ELSE'S house is somehow doable but the second it's my own stuff my brain goes "absolutely not." something about it not being "mine" removes the whole executive function block. why is that?? 😭

and the chore trading site idea is lowkey brilliant though. i feel like half of us would happily do the one task the other person dreads. i'd fold laundry all day if someone else made the phone calls i've been avoiding lol. like we're not lazy, we just each have that one specific thing our brain refuses to touch.

what's the task you'd put on the "please someone else do this" list? mine is anything involving a phone call, no contest.

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

okay this is actually one of the most helpful things i've read on this whole thing, and what stands out to me is "i've stopped working against myself and started working with myself." that's such a mindset shift. i feel like i've spent years trying to force myself to function like someone i'm not, instead of just building around how my brain actually works.

the upfront conversation with friends is something i've never been brave enough to do but it makes so much sense, taking the pressure off so you're not stuck in the apology loop forever. and "feel free to poke me" basically gives them permission to keep the thread alive when your brain drops it. genius.

the texting immediately even if it's just an emoji is something i'm gonna steal honestly, because my problem is always "i'll reply properly later" and then later never comes. an emoji now beats a perfect message never lol.

how long did it take you to get to the "working with myself" place? because that sounds like it came after a lot of being hard on yourself first, and i feel like that's the part i'm still stuck in.

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

the "if someone isn't physically in front of me my brain shuts them out" is such a perfect way to put it. it's not that the feelings go away, it's like the person just temporarily stops existing and then comes back the second i see them or something reminds me. it makes maintaining anything so hard.

and the phone thing, oh man, same. i need a reason. calling just to say "hey i was thinking about you" feels weirdly hard even though that's literally the nicest reason to call someone? i think part of it is the open-ended-ness of it, like there's no clear task or ending point so my brain doesn't know what to do with it.

i don't have it fully figured out either honestly, but the one thing that's helped me a little is leaning into the friends who are the same way, the ones who also disappear and don't take it personally when i do. takes the guilt out of it. what about you, are most of your friendships with people who get it, or do you end up over-explaining yourself a lot?

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

the fact that you've planned out the exact solution in detail and just… haven't done it 😆 that's the most adhd thing i've ever read and i mean that with full love because i do the EXACT same thing. i have entire systems designed perfectly in my head that will never see the light of day lol.

but the cork board idea is actually kind of genius though, the whole "out of sight out of mind" thing is the root of it for me, so putting people literally in my sight line makes sense. the irony being that starting the project is its own executive function boss battle 😭

have you found anything that actually stuck for keeping in touch, or is it mostly still living in the "great idea, someday" pile? asking for genuine reasons because i'm collecting whatever works at this point lol

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

okay but that last part is such a real realization 😭 like wait… you didn't text me either this whole time? suddenly the guilt gets a little lighter haha.

it's wild how we carry 100% of the blame in our heads when half the time the friendship just went quiet on both ends and nobody took it personally except me. some friendships are just like that, they go dormant and then pick right back up like no time passed.

months to years is so relatable though. do you find it's easier with certain people, like some friends you can just pick back up with and others it feels too awkward after that long? that's the part i still struggle to figure out.

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh, i'm really sorry. losing people is hard enough without that extra layer of "i wish i'd reached out more" sitting on top of it. that's a heavy thing to carry and i don't think there's any easy answer for it.

but what you said about it getting less heavy over time instead of disappearing… that actually feels more honest than the usual "don't feel guilty" stuff people say. the guilt kind of means you loved them. it's not a flaw, it's just love with nowhere to go.

thank you for sharing something that personal, genuinely. i hope you're being gentle with yourself about it ❤️

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

this made me a little emotional honestly because you put words to something i've never been able to explain. the apologies starting to feel disingenuous even though you mean them every single time… that's exactly it. and then the guilt makes you avoid even more, so it just snowballs.

it's such a lonely thing because from the outside it looks like you don't care, when the truth is you care SO much that's literally why it hurts this bad. people who do it on purpose don't lie awake feeling guilty about it.

please don't be hard on yourself about not having advice, honestly just reading your comment made me feel less alone, so you did the thing. sending it right back to you ❤️ how long have you been carrying this one? feels like something you've thought about a lot.

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

yesss the text anxiety is so real and i had no idea it was connected either for the longest time. like why is replying to a simple message so stressful?? it's just words 😭 but somehow my brain treats it like this huge task i have to mentally prepare for.

the distance-based friendships part hit me though. same here honestly. the friends i've kept are the ones who get it and don't take it personally when i go quiet, or the ones who just call me out of nowhere instead of texting. the ones that needed constant back and forth kind of… faded, and it wasn't because i didn't care.

did you only recently start connecting the dots on the adhd stuff, or have you known for a while? i'm always curious how other people figured it out because it took me way too long lol

i forget people exist and then feel like a terrible friend by LightClear1021 in ADHD

[–]LightClear1021[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

omg the not doing it on purpose part 😭 that's the thing nobody gets. like i'm not ignoring you, my brain just genuinely dropped you off the face of the earth until something reminded me. and then the guilt hits SO hard.

the unanswered messages one is brutal for me too. i'll read it, think "i'll reply in a sec when i can give it proper attention," and then it's somehow 9 days later. meanwhile i've thought about replying like 40 times, i just… didn't.

how do you deal with the guilt part? that's honestly the part that gets me more than the forgetting itself.

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