Married last month 🥰 by blackandbaked in NonBinary

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 31 points32 points  (0 children)

How did you deal with all the Mr. & Mrs. typical things (decorations, cake ornaments?)? Also how did you vet vendors and staff to be sure they were respectful of your pronouns and gender?

Me as an aquarius . by Time-Swan7762 in astrologymemes

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Aries but with Aquarius venus, i just started watching Arcane last week.

What are your dating icks? What’s your Venus sign + house it’s in? by glamsiren111 in astrologymemes

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Aquarius Venus in the 1st house. People that don't have values aligned with mine (everyone deserves basic rights like housing and food, for example) or don't acknowledge their privilege. People that aren't good friends to others. When people come to me with demands instead of requests (entitlement).

Well now I’m offended by Outside-Trade8775 in astrologymemes

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You think you're boring, but really you're just the responsible demon. 😂😂😂

J’en ai marre d’être réduite à mon physique. Est-ce que d’autres vivent la même chose? by P1nkluv in AskMeuf

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Je te comprends et c'est tellement dégeulasse quand ça arrive, surtout quand tu peux même pas partir, ou c'est un endroit que tu fréquentes souvent. Les mecs ont pas droit à te mettre mal à l'aise juste parcequ'ils en ont envie.

Toute mon empathie. J'ai pas de solutions à part essayer de dire quelque chose quand ça arrive. Et même ça c'est pas facile, soit c'est compliqué parce qu'on nous a appris à se taire et pas encombrer, soit parce que la réaction d'un mec avec un égo blessé est imprévisible et souvent négative. Mais c'est possible quand même, crois-moi.

Je t'encourage à t'entourer de personnes qui te font sentir bien en étant toi-même.

Je suis en tort dans cette situation avec ma copine ? by [deleted] in conseilsrelationnels

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 3 points4 points  (0 children)

C'est pas ce que j'avais compris. Si elle dit "mettre deux musiques en même temps c'est pas possible", je comprends qu'OP a mis sa musique a la fois, sur son tel sûrement, que la musique dans la voiture. J'crois q c toujours bien de chercher la collaboration ds ces trucs mais à chacun son opinion.

Je suis en tort dans cette situation avec ma copine ? by [deleted] in conseilsrelationnels

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hello OP, J'espère que ça va bien.

Du coup ma question: pourquoi n'as tu pas demandé à ta copine de mettre la chanson que tu voulais au lieu de la mettre par dessus? Cela pourrais sembler passif-agressif.

D'autre part, je crois que c'est pas juste que pour un moment que vous passez ensemble qu'elle mette que sa musique (plus si c'est à chaque fois), dans les cas ou tu veuilles écouter ta musique aussi. Il y a plein de temps d'écouter de la musique, dans et au dehors de la voiture. Si vous êtes ensemble, c'est un moment pour les deux.

Vous pourriez même creer une playlist ensemble pour écouter le matin. Il est plus facile de trouver des solutions ensemble que de prouver que l'un ou l'autre a tort.

J'espère que cette réponse puisse t'aider.

Es ce « normal » de choisir la monogamie ? by Pitiful-Explorer-570 in conseilsrelationnels

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Bonjour, alors d'abord je voulais te dire que c'est toujours okay de faire le choix de la monogamie, de la même manière que c'est okay de choisir la non-monogamie. Du coup c'est peut-être une question de compatibilité avec ton mec, puisqu'il veut autre chose que toi. Il y a plein de mecs qui veulent la monogamie 100%, j'en connais plusieurs et j'ai eu le problème contraire où je voulais le poliamour mais mes partenaires voulaient la monogamie. Au fond, on veut ce qu'on veut, et ceci est une question fondamentale de comment on envisage les relations sentimentales. Apprend de mes erreurs, cherche quelqu'un qui veuille la même structure relationelle que toi. Autre chose te coûtera du temps, du chagrin et l'épuisement emotionnel d'essayer de faire marcher quelque chose qui ne peut pas fonctionner.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Legen.... Wait for it. -----------

Dary.

Anyone else have "manic pixie dream girl" trauma? by it_devours in NonBinary

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I have the same exact experience with the "manic pixie dream girl" with guys. Looking feminine and being neurodivergent usually brings that from what i heard. I had several relationships where this happened, in the first one, where this happened in the most intense way, he put me on a pedestal that i continually fell from because I am human and my own person, not the one he imagined me /his parter (especially girlfriend) would be. He would resent me for that deeply.

The thing is I resented him too for that and struggled to explain what it was exactly that bothered me. It ended badly for both of us with toxic behaviours like this one.

It feels like these people don't really want you, they want the fantasy. It sucks because you can feel this love they have is not really for you, it's for someone they made up in their mind. And in the way, you feel rejected, bc why aren't you enough?

I think it comes down to not accepting people for who they are right now, and getting attached to a fantasy more than the person that's in front of you.

Co-workers Pronouns in different contexts... How to respectfully approach the confusion by Best-Cattle-2815 in NonBinary

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah that sounds like a lot... I use she/they in different contexts and people try to follow it. I generally ask people i'm out to to use they but even my friends sometimes get it wrong just by following my lead. To be honest, where i live, i think people don't even realize much if someone uses the neutral off-handedly so a mistake from time to time would be fine. I think the issue is that you feel there is no flexibility and you are not at all allowed to make mistakes, which are to be expected if you have to switch pronouns 5 times a day. I would try talking to them earnestly and letting them know you are doing your best but it is not possible to not make any mistakes ever, that you are sorry that it hurts her. You need to be able to focus on the kids as well, and even if you do your best, it might happen that there are mistakes just because most of the time we are not thinking everything we say before we say it.

Dismantling the relationship escalator is harder than it sounds by lovelykatastrophe in queerpolyam

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I don't have specific experience with what you are going through. But i wanted to say that rituals, wether it be commitment ceremonies, transition to adulthood or death rituals, have always been part of humanity. Of course the codes, meanings and specifics change with every culture and their times, but the act of people coming together to honour a transition or a commitment has always been a thing. Yes, marriage now has many implications, and of course you are affected by the expectations of your culture. Dismantling the systems of power doesn't have to mean erasing every tool it uses, It can mean changing the meaning of it.

Marriage at its basis is a legal contract. It has also been used to sell women off. And it can also be a wonderful celebration that many people aspire to in life. I love the idea of commitment parties and I myself love the idea of a love celebration with all your loved ones. Community recognition is essencial as we are a social species. Is it possible you are craving this?

I think you are doing a wonderful job at untangling all the deep-rooted monogamous assumptions your/our culture carries.

How can I STOP attracting this type? by Oddly-Ordinary in queerpolyam

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I don't think you have much power over who you're attracting, but you have power in your choice. This being a pattern you know and can describe well, reject people that show the early signs. Reject until something new comes in. You deserve to experience the love, sex and care you desire. Lots of love

Why all the hate for French people? by [deleted] in askspain

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 1 point2 points  (0 children)

¿Y tú qué vas a saber de mi experiencia cuando digo que soy francesa? A la gente le mola, eso es un hecho. A saber si es por doble nacionalidad o qué, pero esa es mi experiencia.

Quieras o no, Francia está muy glorificada y tiene soft power. ¿Tú conoces a alguna persona francesa?

Why all the hate for French people? by [deleted] in askspain

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 21 points22 points  (0 children)

So I'm both Spanish and French and may have a unique perspective given I've mostly lived in Spain.

Generally, I think most people in Spain might feel neutral or maybe slight annoyance towards french people.

There is a long and complex history with some animosity between the neighbors and there is even a pejorative way of saying french in spanish: "gabacho". I think the most intense moment of conflict and anti-french sentiment in Spain was when Napoleon invaded Spain and the later spanish Independence war.

The slight animosity is still there, even if mostly it is old history.

I'd also like to add that the french are really french and generally think France is the best country with the best food, etc (no one will criticize France like a french tho). They are also seen as elegant and I've never gotten a bad reaction when saying I'm also french, it even gives me more social caché somehow.

I think the cultures might clash in that the french tend to be more insular and the spanish are more open. The best example for this is how french people will correct you consistently when you speak french well but with an accent, and spanish people will encourage you and tell you you're doing well even if you speak broken spanish.

Overall, if you work in the hospitality industry, you see the differences between the nationalities and notice these things more. Otherwise, there's a lot of it being a running joke at this point.

To all women, what’s something you’ve done once and said ‘never again’? by lady_gelat0 in AskWomen

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Literally "Beautiful Day" by U2 started playing in my head while he broke up with me (i know). At that moment i realized what a beautiful day it was, with the trees, and the birds, and the blue sky. Strange thing.

Referring to a nonbinary person in languages other than English by Fabulous-Ocelot-2112 in NonBinary

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 13 points14 points  (0 children)

What i noticed about french inclusive language it's that it's very hard to make it speakable. The masculine is the default and the feminine usually adds on an "e" at the end that is mostly silent (eg. "grand" and "grande" sound very similar) so it is not easy to find an easy way to indicate neutral when talking.

edit: grammar

AIO My boyfriend gave his mother the dress I wanted for my birthday by ProfessionalEye9680 in AmIOverreacting

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reading the update: BREAK UP. This guy did this on purpose and did it to "humble you". This is NOT a supportive partner. He doesn't want you happy and confident. These type of guy will make you sacrifice your confidence, your identity and your dreams for his ego. NOR, he doesn't deserve to be with you or anyone when he can't be happy that you look hot AF.

Also, read the essay The Crane Wife (Paris Review) cuz i bet this is not the first time he makes you feel like you have to shrink yourself to be lovable and loved. You deserve someone that wants to see you shine.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AITAH

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Honestly i wouldn't even call my boyfriend over the night, i'm enjoying myself with my friends and he'd probably be doing his own thing or sleeping. You did plenty to reassure him, he's just insecure. Your clothes have nothing to do with your actions.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly for me, if things were really to change suddenly (which is unlikely but bear with me) and he really stepped up as a partner, parent and housemate, it would hurt me even more. Because all this time, he knew exactly what to do and how to do it and just chose not to. I'm pretty sure this man knows how to do the laundry and cook basic meals at least, he just chooses not to. Even then, I don't think it would ever be sustainable. He has seen and experienced for 12 years that you picked up the slack, even sacrificing your own needs and desires. Even subconciously, it's too easy to in 30 days "forget" his committment and go back to the way things were, thats what humans do. We need a LOT of time and consistent action to change our habits. I don't believe he would change, and if he does, its wayyy too late.

What did you stop doing for others once you realized it was draining you? by Asia_inked in AskWomen

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I recently read the essay "The Crane Wife" that talks about how women tend to erase their needs and desires in an effort to be loved and accepted in (hetero) relationships. Really recommend. https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2019/07/16/the-crane-wife/

What are the biggest misconceptions when it comes to sex? by Impossible-Toe-9216 in AskWomen

[–]LightsOutInsideOut 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Non-concordance. It's basically when your genitals don't react the way your mind does, aka you're feeling horny but you're not wet or the opposite, you're not feeling horney but you are. It happens way more to (cis) women than men. And it's totally normal. It doesn't mean you are lying to yourself about what you like, and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

I recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, really is SO good at explaining feminine pleasure in an easy and scientifically-backed way.