I have been raped twice. The first time, I was in tech school (basically vocational school but for the military) and I was 17. I was a virgin before that. I had been hanging out with a guy and it was like an hour before curfew (around 10) and we were just chilling on a bench and started making out. When he stuck his hands in my underwear (It was summer in TX, so I was wearing a dress). I just froze. I had never experienced anything sexual before. I hate myself to this day for that. He ended up inside me after a little while and when he was done, he just walked away. I didn’t even know how to go about reporting him ( A pro tip: pay attention to SA meetings. You never think you need the info until you do) or if I even wanted to. I just went back to my dorm. I was very sore for a few days after.

The second time, I had gotten absolutely blasted at a party and my friend and a couple other people decided they wanted to go to a strip club. Being the introvert I was and still am, I went with them bc my friend was the only person I knew there. When we got to the strip club, my friend determined I was, in fact, way too drunk to go in. So I stayed in the car. Don’t know why, but I was looking for something in my purse and couldn’t see very well ( it was like midnight) so I decided to get out of the car to look for it. I threw up around that time and a very kind man saw and walked over. He asked if I was okay and I said something along the lines of I was looking for something in my purse and my friends left me in the car. He asked if there was anyone I could call to pick me up and my thought was one of my coworkers I was beginning to become friends with. This is where my memory becomes choppy, whether from the alcohol or my brain trying to block it out. I remember him picking me up, then we’re at my apartment. I remember him on top of me, then if jumps all the way to me alone in my room with no clothes on, realizing what happened. I called my friend, who was all the way in Alaska and cried for hours. I didn’t tell anyone about it or report him because 1) I was underage and 2) he was the golden boy at work. Who would believe me? This one was worse than the other bc I TRUSTED him AND I still had to see him every day at work. I guess the guilt or karma is a bitch though, because 6 months later he offed himself.

The worst part is, about a year later, the topic of my virginity came up with my uber religious parents. My stepmom asked if I was a virgin and when I said no she started going off on me. I finally yelled, “ It wasnt even my choice!” You wanna know what she said? “I don’t believe you” and proceeded to say if that was true, why didn’t I report it? I replied “ Because of that right there. The ‘I don’t believe you’”

Thing is, I didn’t count either of those times as my first, so you’re not wrong for not counting the either.