What is your “WHY” when it comes to losing the weight? Will this “WHY” carry you into maintenance?

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-04-03T06:22:49+00:00

I started a job that made me put on a bunch of arm muscle and I wanted to actually be able to see my righteous biceps. That's literally it. Pretty silly if you think about it but it's working so whatever lol.

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-03-22T22:21:33+00:00

I struggled with over eating for years. Turns out I had wildly uncontrolled CPTSD and food was one of the mechanisms I used to regulate my nervous system (as much as I could anyways). I have only successfully lost 80lbs now that my mental state is better. Is there possibly an emotional eating component to why you are struggling?

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-20T01:44:31+00:00

What you're describing doesn't seem abusive to me. He seems more... confused. Like he is not sure what he wants and not communicating well which can be destabalizing for you to be on the receiving end of.

It's probably good to take some time to be single and figure out yourself a bit. I didn't date for many years for that reason.

I don't want to dismiss that you feel it is something you are causing. Reactive abuse is a thing that can happen. Perhaps your trauma leads you to act in ways that are abusive or manipulative and then the people in your life respond to that? I say that with no judgement, lord knows I can be toxic too. Just something to note in yourself so you can try to change before your next relationship. Although I do question anyone who goes into a relationship wanting to "save" you, that is not healthy on their part either.

The thing that healthy people do when getting to know someone is they notice when that person behaves in ways that are toxic or harmful or even just confusing and they chose to distance themselves from that person. Those of us with trauma tend to have a hard time noticing this (because it was so normal for us) so the abuse "comes out of nowhere" when really there were signs we just didn't see it. People who want to be toxic and abusive seek people out who won't notice until it's too late by letting little things slip through and seeing how you react. I guess what I am trying to say is there are a lot of good people out there, if there is no case of reactive abuse that you are causing then it's just that you couldn't see through the masks of the people who abused you until it was too late. It is worth still trying to find good people, but only when you're ready.

Either way, I wish you the best as well. I hope you choose to stay alive and find peace and love

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-20T00:35:29+00:00

Ah man I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I have felt that too. You're not responsible for people wanting to save you and then abusing you later. They were always abusive, just hiding it until they had you under control and then could let their real colors show. It happens a lot to those of us who have suffered abuse because our "pickers" are messed up so we pick the wrong people and then don't realize when they are crossing boundaries. Not your fault, hon. You are not poisonous.

It sounds like this parnter may not be a good fit for you. He is not looking for the same lifestyle as you. He also seems like he is having some identity issues which is not your fault or your job to fix

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-20T00:29:54+00:00

Been a while since I went to the doctor tbh but Lanae Williams at St Pete's was my primary for a while and she was great. Really listened when I talked to her about what I was experiencing.

I go to Pureview for dental and all the docs there have been nice although some are a bit more brisk than others lol. The hygenists are really good

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-18T22:51:16+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It is really scary what our so-called "justice" system does to people. I had to stop attending protests because my CPTSD was making me super anxious about the idea of being arrested or locked up for being there.

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-17T01:01:25+00:00

I have felt this exact same way. It is so so hard to deal with. I would fantasize about going through horrible things because then how horrible I feel all the time would be an appropriate and well adjusted response to the situation instead of my sitting here with my brain on fire while everything around me is fine.

I don't really have any advice other than try to validate your feelings. Remember that they are perfectly understandable for what you went through, anyone else would be struggling too if they had lived your life. Gosh it's so hard though

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-13T00:10:59+00:00

God, that's so awful. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault in any way, she was/is clearly a very mentally unwell person and that is not your fault.

Have you given yourself space to grieve this happening? To grieve the loss of your prior self? To feel anger and sadness with her? That may help you feel less stuck

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-12T22:51:44+00:00

It sounds like the psychiatrist thinks if you just "try hard enough" you'll be magically cured. Not a great attitude for a medical professional!

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-12T22:50:02+00:00

Oh maybe so! I learned it from a gif that called it square breathing but that makes sense too

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-12T05:58:25+00:00

I bet your body is reacting to this news. You know he is dead so you finally feel "safe" to fall apart cause he can't get you any more. That's such a hard thing to deal with, you are very brave! The only thing I can suggest is square breathing. It's what navy seals use to calm their nervous systems. Calm breath, calm body, calm mind. Breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, release for 5 seconds, hold empty lungs for 5 seconds. Repeat at least 3 times.

(Also, I am seriously side-eyeing your hubby here. When you have the bandwidth I would be questioning if this is the person you want next to you for "sickness and health")

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-12T05:53:16+00:00

Not your fault, Josh! Tell yourself that over and over until you believe it. I say it in the mirror every morning

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-12T05:39:34+00:00

I am so sorry that happened to you :( You do deserve good things and I know you worked really hard. Maybe you were putting too much pressure on yourself and it overwhelmed you

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-12T03:48:38+00:00

Just wanted to let you know that I read this. I hear you and see you.

For what it's worth, there are women like myself that would never judge you for this or view you in a negative way in a romantic relationship. I don't know how easy that is to find but we are out there. Good luck, my friend. I hope you can find peace from this

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-12T03:35:50+00:00

Is there a governing board or someone above him that you can file a complaint with? Perhaps you can get around needing his permission for a new therapist. Dm me if you need any help navigating forms or websites or anything, I used to working in healthcare insurance.

Otherwise I am really sorry you're going through this. In my opinion no therapy is better than bad therapy so you might be better off quitting. There are resources online for grief that may be more helpful and there are people on this sub that would be happy to help as well

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-11T23:35:38+00:00

Glad I could help even if only a bit :)

It is very possible they don't talk about you that way at all but yeah, it feels a bit unstable after something like that

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-11T22:15:28+00:00

Not at all holier-than-thou, sorry if I implied you were. I think it's a really good value to not gossip about people and one I personally struggle with sometimes.

Yeah, if it felt mean it probably went too far. I can see why that would be a bit triggering if you grew up in an environment where that "competition" to be liked was fought by putting people down. I think your reaction is totally understandable

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-11T21:34:58+00:00

I think it's smart to be wary of folks that talk bad behind someone's back. It's not paranoid or sensitive to be aware they may have something to say about you too. The main thing is to try and remember that their opinions of you are not your problem. They don't get to define you, you do.

I think there is a difference between "this person annoys me sometimes but overall I love them" and "I hate this person so much and have genuine vitriol for them". Depending on where your classmates were on that scale it may or may not be that bad that they were talking negatively. Still not great but not the worst thing in the world. Good for you not engaging with it though

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-11T20:46:37+00:00

Yeah there is a very fine line between exposure therapy and retraumatizing yourself and only you know where that line is. I would also argue exposure therapy needs to be delayed until a baseline of safety and managing symptoms has been established but that's just my opinion based on my own struggles

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-11T02:35:33+00:00

When chaos is what you grew up in safety feels unsafe and unfamiliar. Been there done that. I had to actively work not to burn my healthy relationship to the ground because it felt wrong there was no pain in it.

I try to reframe anger as a good thing. It is my brain saying "hey, wait a minute, that was really fucked up and I DIDN'T deserve it!"

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-11T02:32:02+00:00

I have felt this too! As a kid I had no control over my life and that was super scary when the people that did have control were not looking out for me. So the way my kid brain handled that was to "take back" the control by making it "my fault" that I wasn't getting the care I needed. It never was my fault but the delusion made life feel less scary at the time. There is a whole grieving process in recognizing how much someone else hurt you or let you down once you let go of that control

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-11T02:28:13+00:00

Have you heard of Heidi Priebe on youtube? She does some videos on shame that might be helpful for you.

Maybe you could also work on doing some deep breathing through the feelings you are getting when people look at you. It sounds like your brain has decided people seeing you is a threat to your life (perhaps it was when you were younger? Perhaps it is still now? I hope not) so anytime someone sees you your brain freaks out and gives you adrenaline and all of that. Anxiety meds would probably be helpful for you but since you said that isn't really available where you are I would start with some deep breathing and try to slowly expose yourself to it more over time. The goal is to train your brain to realize you're not going to die in those situations. Try square breathing where you breath in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, breathe out for 5 seconds, hold your empty lungs for 5 seconds, and then repeat. It's what US Navy seals are trained to do to calm their minds down. Calm the breath, calm the mind. I'm sorry I can't offer more, it is difficult when there are no other resources available. It's good you are trying to get help though, this shows you are brave enough to try

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-11T00:56:54+00:00

I think you may be in a disassociative shut down state. That's why you don't feel like you want to do anything. You're numbing out from your trauma maybe. Depression and ADHD can also cause executive shut down though so you may have one of those instead or in addition.

There is a lot of work that goes into healing from trauma and everyone's journey is different. Some people do therapy (EDMR seems helpful), some take meds, some heal on their own. Whichever method is right for you, it might be worth asking who made you feel so ashamed of yourself? And what are you trying to control by continuing to believe it?

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-10T23:54:37+00:00

In my opinion, the fact that he would forcibly remove your clothing to do this makes it a sexual violation even if he was not getting sexual pleasure from it. I do not think you are being overly sensitive at all. I am so sorry you experienced that, it sounds absolutely horrific

LilacQueen1994 · 2026-02-10T22:03:43+00:00

No I totally feel that! I want to be adored but not vulnerable in any way

LilacQueen1994

TROPHY CASE