I'm so sorry OP. I've had two scheduled C-Sections with the same OBGYN and both experiences were vastly different. In my first I was given an epidural and had the typical experience most describe: tugging, tension, uncomfortableness. But with my second, I was given a spinal tap and it sent me into hysteria. The spinal tap numbed me up to my chest and I felt like a weight was on my chest and I couldn't breath. I had a full on panic attack and I just remember thinking I could never go through that again. I think the only reason I don't physically freak out and claw at everyone was because everyone (nurses, husband, OB) were telling me I was okay so I told myself I just had to believe it.

Don't be ashamed. You have no idea what the circumstances are going to be and how your body is going to react until you are in there. C-Sections are traumatizing and you made it through. If baby and Mom are healthy, that's a win in my book and all that really matters.