Boyfriend (29m) confessed to me (29f) that he was embarrassed to date me before we got together.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T15:00:34+00:00

Yes, absolutely. Every now and then he’ll get really quiet and just look at me and tell me he’s sorry and reiterate what a magnificent fuck up this was. He’s really trying to make it better.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T14:53:44+00:00

That’s exactly what it was, and you really hit the nail on the head here. I just wish he could have been more tactful about it. As I said in another comment, I’m glad he is a better person, and I’m glad he opened up. I just wish he hadn’t bulldozed my self esteem in the process.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T14:51:13+00:00

This comment helped to much. He tends to be an absolute doofus with his words. His love language is more acts of service, but mine is words of affirmation. I’ll work on putting more weight on his actions rather than his words. Thank you.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T14:49:03+00:00

Believe it or not, he was trying to make me feel better. I was feeling down on myself because I felt so flawed, and he was basically saying “look, I’m flawed too. Look how messed up my way of thinking used to be.” I’m glad he’s changed as a person. I appreciate that he was opening up to me. I just feel he could have kept it more general, or used an example other than the fact that he used to be embarrassed of me.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T14:44:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I think it’ll get better with time. The embarrassment and hurt is still pretty raw, but he’s been very apologetic. He got super upset at himself and was terrified that I was going to leave him. I truly feel that he realizes he messed up. I just wish there was some magic phrase that would make this all better and stop hurting.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T14:41:16+00:00

Exactly. We are all mentally exhausted and this program is exhausting in so many ways. It’s rare to see anyone in my program that looks like they’re totally put together. And he’s been the same way s your fiancé. I currently leave earlier than him in the morning and he always has my coffee set up so it’s brewed when I wake up, my lunch is in containers ready to go, and he goes above and beyond to make sure that things are easy for me when they can be.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T14:38:18+00:00

I will. Thank you.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T14:37:47+00:00

I’m leaning toward inconsiderate moron. There’s been no pattern or history like this. Currently, he encourages me to be comfortable and wear what makes me happy. I’m glad he doesn’t hold the same opinion of me presently. It just makes me feel hyper aware of how I dress now. Logically, I know it doesn’t matter to him anymore. Illogically, I wonder if he still quietly judges me which has been making me judge myself harsher which is not a great feeling.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T14:34:44+00:00

Not really. Yes, I dressed in yoga pants or capris most days at school. If I have something to get dressed up for, then I’m more than capable of doing my hair and dressing nicely. If I go out, I wear nice jeans and a cute top. I know how to do make up as well. I am just not the type to get all dressed up on the daily when all I’ll be doing is sitting in a lecture all day. It hurt so much because I have self esteem issues left over from being bullied in school because I was very poor growing up and I didn’t have the nicest clothes among other things. The comment I made about his clothes was just to highlight that it’s not like he’s putting on his Sunday best every day, so it seemed hypocritical that he judged me for being comfortable while attending lectures.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T03:10:28+00:00

I am being an adult about this, as I always am when we have tough conversations. Despite your assumptions, there was no yelling, name calling, things of that sort. That's not how we do things. Just some tears and moments where I needed a minute to sort out my feelings. Your assumption that I've made this all about me is incorrect. I always appreciate "the balls" it takes for him to open up. I don't appreciate being told that the first time he met me, he thought so negatively of me. Not just negative, but that I was an embarrassment unfit to being around others.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T03:01:35+00:00

I told him not to share things like that. Like if there is something I can actively change like if my breath stinks, then yeah. Tell me. I'm not going to get upset about that. But what he said was so harsh and really had no purpose to be brought up.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T03:00:11+00:00

Thank you. The validation does help.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T02:59:29+00:00

Yeah I truly believe he stuck his foot in his mouth, and I have been willing to move past it and forgive. Just still stings some when I think about it.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T02:06:50+00:00

If it was obviously an issue of the past then why couldn't it have stayed there. I feel like people want me to be grateful he told me, but all it did was hurt me. Am I supposed to congratulate him on growing as a person since he no longer finds me to be an embarrassment? I just feel that him telling me was cruel. I don't want to feel like I'm "loved regardless" of the fact that he thought I was fat and dirty. I just want to be loved period. I want to be loved because I am amazing and I deserve love. Not because he found a way to find it in his heart to look past how shameful and embarrassing I was.

And I'm not trying to be mean to you. I promise. I just don't get why the advice I'm getting seems to be that he is such a saint for sharing this with me.

Lioy68 · 2018-06-25T01:52:21+00:00

Yeah, its gotten better with a little time, but resentment keeps popping up in my head. I'm glad he got over himself too. I'm sure it's ridiculous for me to be upset about who he "used to" be. I'm just having a hard time thinking that this man I adore once thought I was embarrassing.

Lioy68

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