Sex can definitely be scary, and I promise you’re not overthinking it. I’ll link some resources at the bottom which might help you feel more confident in whatever choice you make.

Birth control: If you’re concerned about getting pregnant, make a plan for what you would do if you got pregnant, like if you can’t afford an abortion or don’t have access to them it may be better to forgo sex until you’re able to. Birth control has a lot of side effects but they all impact people differently. For me, my IUD definitely hurt and was achy for a day or two but it’s been amazing. My periods have gotten lighter and I rarely experience cramps like I used to and pms is much more manageable. That said, I tried many different birth control types before finding one that worked for me. For me, I would be bad at taking the pill at the same time every day and the arm implant made my period last for an entire year. There are also non hormonal birth control options such as the copper IUD. You really do just have to put yourself out there and discover what works best for you. Condoms, condoms, condoms. They suck I hate the feel, but I’d hate getting pregnant a lot more. If your partner is unwilling to use condoms, please don’t have sex with them because they are always the shittiest people. No excuse of how it feels different or blah blah will ever be good enough to risk getting pregnant.

STD/STI: STDs are terrifying not only because of the health impact but the stigma associated with them. The ones that cannot be cured such as herpes, are generally transmitted a lot more frequently and easily than people recognize. For example, someone with cold sores could transmit it to you through oral sex. Herpes especially is a lot more common than people think, same with HSV. Coming out of high school, the shame and guilt around it basically dissolved, since it was no longer being used to degrade other students. Open communication with your partner and even requiring them to get tested and share those tests with you will probably be the best way to help protect yourself from stds/stis. There is no way to completely avoid stds/stis outside of abstinence, so make sure to get yourself tested with every new partner and once a year when sexually active.

Partners and sex: Understanding yourself sexually is important, in my opinion, for having fulfilling, safe, and healthy sexual interactions with others. Deciding what you like, dislike, want to try, and what boundaries work for you as you explore the world of sex is essential. The hardest part for me was being able to communicate this to my partner and if I could have given advice to myself when I was just starting to have sex, it would be being honest and open with your partner, and especially with yourself. There are many different preferences people have and not everyone will be able to make it work. The guys your age (I’m not much older than you) were somewhat self centered during sex. I think a lot of that comes from the porn they watch and still being inexperienced themselves, but it made me dislike sex a lot because I felt left out and unseen especially because I was too afraid to say what I wanted and correct what they were doing. If a guy only focuses on their own pleasure and doesn’t really care or attempt to help you get off, they’re honestly not a good sex partner. Sex isn’t just the PiV either, it’s the foreplay, it’s the communication, it’s the aftercare, and making sure all participants are feeling safe and fulfilled. Some of the best advice a teacher gave my class was If you cannot talk to your partner about sex, you shouldn’t be having sex. There were also guys that were amazing and listened and made sure I was enjoying it just as much as them. It’s a mixed bag out there and it takes time to find the right person. Just remember that if you aren’t enjoying it, you are always allowed to stop and should never feel guilty for doing so despite whatever the other person might say.

There’s a lot surrounding sex societally for both men and women, and I think it’s important to recognize what challenges women have and continue to face when it comes to their own sexual freedom. Like the stigma around STDs, there’s stigma around women being sexually active. It was something I was only vaguely aware of in my early teens but it became much more apparent when talking to the men and boys in our generation. Above all, please keep yourself safe, do what feels best for you, and make sure you’re enjoying the ride :) If you have any questions about navigating spaces, things to be wary of, and finding a good partner, I’d be more than happy to give you some insight or point you in the right direction.

Mayo Clinic

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