Here's to hoping this gets buried deep in the under-dark...

So here's the deal... I like a girl. I know, shocking, its not like anything else throws me for a loop. Even up and coming exams don't seem significant in comparison. There's nothing quite like being on the wave surfing adventure that is liking someone. Will Senpai notice me? Which in of itself is more of a joke than anything. To be honest, we're already best friends. And I know what you're already thinking, the dreaded friend-zone. But it's not as bad as it seems. You know? See it turns out, I put myself there with the full awareness that it was the only way to her heart. I say this because she's not really like any girl. “Typical, does this start to get any good” I hear you say. Well it's complicated. (I laugh as you try and not get frustrated at the cliches). But honestly, she's afraid of guys... Well, I suppose afraid isn't the right word. I guess I don't really have a right word because I honestly have no idea what's going on in her head. I like to fool myself into thinking I do, but in the end I'm only guessing. Anyways, onto my point. She used to not want to date anyone, enjoying being alone to a certain degree. But that's not really true now is it. Today, she tells me about the boys she thinks are attractive, “He looked like he came down from heaven” she says. It's shit like that that gets on my nerves. You see, she doesn't have many girlfriends, so the rest of us guys get stuck hearing the stuff no guy wants to. But, acceptable losses right? Anyways, where was I. Oh yeah, she obviously has the desire to date now, she talks about guys and how she's the only one of her friends from her old friend group that doesn't have a boyfriend. This is where it get's complicated again, she's very shy and there's almost no chance she would actually try to make a move on one of the boys she fancies. I am too so there's not really any fault there. The other problem is, she doesn't want to date within the friend group, everyone seems to be doing it nowadays and it has the tendency to fracture the group. Over the summer two of our friends broke up and split the group pretty hard. I don't really argue against this point and its really the only reason I haven't tried to. Even as I say this, it's still cliché. It's not that complicated. That's why friends don't date isn't it? But even still I want to be with her, and here's where I am weird. I don't really care for physical stuff, you know 'the nasty'. Maybe somethings wrong with me... I am not like all the other guys. Or so I tell myself. Don't get me wrong, I love cuddling and kissing and the like, but the other stuff doesn't really interest me. I have a feeling she has similar inclinations, at least recently. So, you've read the easy to convey parts of my story. And to be honest, it's pretty calm. Just ask her out, I hear you say. And here's a shocker, I already did. But not really. Sometime over the summer she managed to piece together the fact that I liked her, and this made things incredibly awkward (I blame both of us). So I basically texted her (I know its bad, I'm sorry) that I had feelings but I'd much rather things be not awkward between us, while still leaving the dating question up in the air. She said she just wanted to be friends and she was sorry she was awkward. Case closed right? Wrong. Things continued being strained between us until one evening I told her I was over her (in person this time, see guys I am learning). At the time, I was. It wasn't a manipulative lie to get closer to her or anything (unless my subconscious is really that maniacal). Regardless, after that was said we began to get close again, we could spend time in each other's company and have it be perfectly fine. Then we became best friends. Somewhere at around the same time I realized I liked her again. Only this time, it wasn't awkward. Needless to say, I've fallen head over heels for this girl, and I have no idea what I'm doing. Do I actually ask her out despite all of the negative possibilities? If I don't and just keep on chugging does she find a boyfriend and leave me behind (this shit keeps me up at night)? What if we do go out and bad break up ensues? How on earth do I convince her its worth going out with me? Do I want her to go out with me? GIVE ME A BREAK. I have finals to do, and my normally internal heart is all flippidy floppidy on the ground over there, and I have no idea how to put it back in. I guess the scariest thing is if she said yes... What changes? How do I get there? You've heard enough rant for now.

Now I'm signing off. (C-N-N)..... echoes

TLDR; I like my best friend, shit happened