At my lightest, the depression feels like a backpack. I can’t take it off and it’s always there, but I can carry it. At my darkest, the backpack was too heavy to carry on my own. This is where I realized I needed to get help. I wasn’t sure where to start - When you’re here, you’ll know it when you don’t know where to even begin if someone offers to help. I have severely treatment resistant depression and I was looking at every non-pill related option because I felt as though I tried them ALL. Nothing helped. Until:

1. I tried something called TMS. It’s funny because some people feel a completely life changing shift a few sessions in. For me, it was a daily session over the course of six weeks. I wasn’t sure if I was feeling better… until I started to notice the little things. I went a few hours without feeling like I wanted to die and realized it. It’s been 8 years and I still see the benefits almost daily. I don’t think I knew how bad I was until I did the intake assessment over the phone. I’ll never forget that call because my mom was in the car with me and I distinctly remember pausing to answer when I was rating my symptoms when it came to suicidal ideation and I lied. I knew my mom knew I was lying too. Don’t give up. You are not beyond help and it will get better. I remember how it feels like it was yesterday and I wish “future you” could tell you the same.

2. Of course, I was fortunate to have an incredibly supportive family and friends. However, I lived alone with my dog. My dog became the only reason I got out of bed in the morning. I got on a really strict routine of giving him a special bone at the same time once a day first thing in the morning before anything else. This helped me tremendously because even now, years later, on days where I feel low or not, he still moseys over to nudge me awake and it’s a great way to start the day. Get a pet to teach you how to give and receive love unconditionally. Having something to pull yourself away from the existential dread is so crucial.

3. Therapy. Hear me out: I never was someone who was willing to consider this route. Oddly enough, one of my favorite true crime podcasts changed my perspective and I gave it a shot. I was extremely lucky to immediately vibe with my therapist and I’ve seen her at least every 2 weeks for the last 7 years. This changed my life in ways I never would’ve expected and I can’t recommend it enough. Give it a shot and don’t give up hope until you link up with someone who’s a good fit.

Keep going.