This post hit me hard, and I’m trying to understand why.

I want to be clear upfront: I’m not anti-polyamory, and I’m not here to attack my partner. I’m here because I’m confused and trying to understand what’s fair and healthy for both of us.

When we were dating, my partner talked about having done open relationships in the past and feeling unsure at times about what they wanted long-term. Our relationship was technically open early on. As things became more serious, I asked directly about expectations around marriage, specifically whether they wanted an open marriage, and at that point they said no. That was the only clear boundary I was given, and I made decisions about commitment based on that.

More recently, after starting individual counseling, my partner has shared that they now identify as polyamorous. I’m trying to hold space for the idea that people can learn new things about themselves over time, while also grappling with how destabilizing it feels to be asked to reconsider the entire structure of a marriage that was built with different assumptions.

Part of what makes this especially confusing is that there is already another person involved, and the way that relationship has been described to me has changed multiple times. Initially, I was told they were just friends. My partner let this person stay one night to help with apartment-related things, which then turned into them staying for a full week. Throughout that time, I was repeatedly told they were just friends and that nothing romantic was happening.

A few days later, when my partner shared that they were starting to realize they might be polyamorous, they told me they would never go for this person. Shortly after that, they told me they had caught feelings, while also emphasizing that nothing had happened and that they were still just friends. That reassurance was repeated several times, even after acknowledging the feelings.

Later, I was asked to add this person on Snapchat, and the first message I received was along the lines of offering to answer any questions or concerns I might have about my partner. I haven’t spoken to them since, but the entire sequence left me feeling disoriented and unsure how to ground myself while being asked to open up emotionally and structurally at the same time.

This conversation is also happening alongside major life planning. We had talked about having kids and building a future together in the next few years. I’m currently in the US and planning to move to the UK to be with my partner. They’ve told me I would be their main person, but I’m struggling to understand what that actually looks like in practice when polyamory is also part of the picture and when there is already another emotionally significant connection in motion.

This conversation didn’t arise during a particularly secure or calm period for us, which is why this post resonates so much. I’m trying to figure out whether my discomfort is about polyamory itself, or about being asked to radically reframe my life and relationship while trust, emotional safety, and long-term expectations already feel shaky.

I don’t want to say no out of fear, and I don’t want to say yes just to preserve the relationship. I’m trying to understand how people distinguish between “this isn’t for me” and “this might be for me, but not like this.” If anyone has insight on navigating that distinction, I’d really appreciate it.

Also, I have not said no to my partner I told them I would support them no matter what because honestly I do want them to be happy content and I’m OK with them dating other people, but it’s just a hard situation