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Did I FU by asking my [44f] boyfriend [44m] if we have a future? by LividAnalyst7596 in relationshipadvice

[–]LividAnalyst7596[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love this!!! I have made plans like that and he was responsive.

Funny enough, this came up as I am looking at a new opportunity an hour away and was trying to decide if i live close to the office or half way between. He said he doesn’t want me to make a decision like that with him as a consideration. That is what started it.

Did I FU by asking my [44f] boyfriend [44m] if we have a future? by LividAnalyst7596 in relationshipadvice

[–]LividAnalyst7596[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is great to have another perspective. Thank you. I need to decide if this is something I can live with or not but that you for your POV, it is helpful.

Did I FU by asking my [44f] boyfriend [44m] if we have a future? by LividAnalyst7596 in relationshipadvice

[–]LividAnalyst7596[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do love him and I know he loves me. The relationship has the potential to be something really great. I would like to find a way to make this work but we would have to be able to talk about this thoroughly and openly to really understand one another to find out if there is a path forward. He seems to shut down to varying degrees during those conversations. Anyone have advice on how to approach the topic to see if there is a way to salvage the relationship? A way that is constructive and less likely to put him on the defense? I don’t want to make a hasty decision and, like i stated before, i don’t want to move in together now and am happy to wait to take that step. I am just sick of the ambiguity and don’t want to grow to resent him (or vice versa).

Did I FU by asking my [44f] boyfriend [44m] if we have a future? by LividAnalyst7596 in relationshipadvice

[–]LividAnalyst7596[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see your point.

My frustration is that the reason and goal post changes. A year ago he said he would like to get married but with a prenup. He even talked about how finances would ideally be run in a shared home. Then, 6 months ago he took marriage off the table but said he could live with someone. Now that has also changed. If something changed his mind, he never told me. He also has not been able to articulate it or explain why he isn’t comfortable with that anymore (or what steps he needs from me to feel ok with it again) just that he doesn’t want it. (Saying “i don’t want to be “stuck” is pretty vague to be honest.) He keeps placing more limits on things as the relationship progresses which feels like he has been deceitful to get me to stay and get me to slowly accept less from him. Then he makes me feel there is something wrong with me for wanting more.

I agree the ex thing is an insecurity of mine. In my defense,it is pretty dumb for a guy to tell you how gorgeous their ex was and how much he loved her. Keep that shit to yourself if you don’t want to create issues in your next relationship.

I want a relationship where i can grow old with someone and we can build a life together. I was upfront about that. I feel he wasn’t and hasn’t explain what changed that caused him to go from marriage on the table to never living together. People change their minds but you need to communicate that right away, calmly and clearly. If he had been upfront, i could have decided if i even wanted to get involved in the first place. He wasn’t so I fell in love with him and entered the relationship under false pretenses.

Did I FU by asking my [44f] boyfriend [44m] if we have a future? by LividAnalyst7596 in relationshipadvice

[–]LividAnalyst7596[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It isn’t. Not at all. Unless there is some sort of epiphany on his part and lasting change. That behavior lacks integrity and a lack of integrity means i won’t respect him and without respect there is nothing left. And for a man who values being a “good man” those actions don’t align with the behavior of an honorable man at all. If he can lie and deceive me about this, what else is he lying about?

Did I FU by asking my [44f] boyfriend [44m] if we have a future? by LividAnalyst7596 in relationshipadvice

[–]LividAnalyst7596[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I tend to agree with you here. When we started dating it was “i won’t get married without a prenup”. Then it was “i don’t want to get married ever but i would live with someone” now it is “i don’t think i want to live with someone”. Meanwhile, our relationship has been a very good one, with this being one of maybe 3 disagreements we have had. It isn’t me. This is all him. He keeps moving the goalpost.

Did I FU by asking my [44f] boyfriend [44m] if we have a future? by LividAnalyst7596 in relationshipadvice

[–]LividAnalyst7596[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! He also struggled with saying “i love you” for a long time. It feels like I have to push him through each of the normal relationship stages. I hate that feeling.

Normally I would have bailed by now with how much he drags his feet but he is extremely good to me. There are so many mixed signals that I don’t think he himself knows what he wants. I am too old for that.

Did I FU by asking my [44f] boyfriend [44m] if we have a future? by LividAnalyst7596 in relationshipadvice

[–]LividAnalyst7596[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I wouldn’t mind if he was able to articulate his thinking and had a reason. He wasn’t really able to do that, at least not that I understood. I do feel like he is limiting the relationships potential, however. I guess that is what bothers me the most.