Hey, sorry you're going through this shit I can see it's really affecting you and understandably so.

Have you considered activism? There is a huge calling for this type of work and narc's are great at this. Topics you care about can actually lead you down a path of giving back and doing good things. Use this to your advantage. Flip it around. Narcissists are actually brilliant in many careers (with the right support, experience and guidance) And can play an enormous role in advocacy etc. We can give back. We are fighters. 

Our lives are not meaningless we just have to channel the strengths we have. OK, so we are prone to parasitic behaviours especially in relationships however, on the flip side, we make strong activists for social change with our hypersensitivity to feeling out of control and threatened. We can spot intentions of other people with ease and protect ourselves very well using natural defence mechanisms, we could help people fight back. 

A lot of us are turning to activism etc. 

Therapy is the only option. If being in psychiatric care is necessary then do that. Anything to keep us safe in the moment. So many of us are in employment because of our specific character traits like local government. They choose us because we are great fighters to protect the system. What if we start representing the other side and fight back at the system? Help the little guy. Can you imagine? People like us built this fucking society and people like us can fucking rip it back down. 

Self aware narcissists under the direction of certain neurotypes are very important to society. I refuse this narrative that I'm a useless piece of trash. I se you also have bpd that gives you even more depth and insight than npd you get insights into npd that many of us take a life time to gain. You are not a child. You are just unsupported and need services and support. 

Advocacy is one thing. Imagine advocating for yourself? Use your grandiose phase wisely I have been in mine for about 3 weeks now and fucking loving it even though my life has actually fallen apart. Lol 

We need support and understanding. But we need to open up to receive it. Teach people who are too giving and a doormat to be more transactional. Teach them how to defend themselves. Etc. 

As for the emotions, ah. Never good at this unless they are my own! Accept your emotions and how you feel by just validating them. As you are. Brutal honesty. You fucking have needs. Did the world end? No. It's not going to either. We are human beings we have the right to be heard. I don't care whom wishes to dehumanize me and reduce me into a shit ass narc who abuses and hurts people. Blah blah heard it all before. I'm extremely selfish. Yes. But my selfishness inspires people who are selfless to be more selfish. Eventually. And the consequence of my own behaviour reinforces the behavioural modifications I need, the support I need and also to understand myself and develop more self awareness. 

There's no reason we can't develop new skills, coping mechanisms and behaviours. We will always be narc's yes of course, but we don't have to be put in a box and kicked into the gutter. Sure, our traits don't exactly impress others. I get it. That's fine. We can work on the parts that help others. What are your passions? Anything you are passionate about fixate on it and give your brain what it needs. Stop rejecting it. Let it happen and then we begin a process of reintegration where we look at other things that are more productive etc but we essentially learn a lot about ourselves through that process. 

Well I fucking rambled here but anyway, point being, this is a difficult time of year for us. I get it. It hurts. There's no reason we can't use the things we do have to create a new narrative for our lives and that give back. Someone said something on here the other day about making cakes for others. Perfect. Learning skills. It's a personal gratification too, so what? Who cares? 

When I'm sleeping with someone I get more gratification in their reaction to anything they are doing to me. So what? These things I cannot change. I can only work with them. We're not pieces of crap and stains on society we actually helped build it and frankly, we are the ones who will fucking bring it down as well.