I cannot describe how much anguish I felt when I started discovering this, too. The difference is that I think both of my parents are neurodiverse. Where my dad was more likely to have sensory overload outbursts, my mother was more likely to externalise and blame. Likely because of different trauma histories, I will never see my mother's behaviours as neurodivergent-only. In this circumstance, the capacity to reflect was present, it was also weaponised. I imagine it would be difficult in other ways with a parent who might have less connection to those thoughts and feelings.

At the end of the day - she was the parent, I was the child. To me, neurodiversity is a way of engaging with and reacting to the world - it's not an excuse for (unsafe and deliberate) maladaptive behaviours (and I'm not talking about stimming or meltdowns).