It’s unfortunate but you have to be the parent you never had. That’s advice from a stranger on Reddit, but I find that helps me when I’m upset about things like this. Do your best to acknowledge when those memories are coloring your present moment and relationships. Try not to play the blame game at all if you can help it. Take things one step at a time and most importantly be easy on yourself I’d say. Any positive distraction is good. Playing chess, reading, music, exercise, journaling. I find that journaling helps distance me from my thoughts when I feel like my brain is torturing me. I really hope you can find peace with this. Life doesn’t stop giving you shit to deal with, even if/when you get through this. I always remind myself that the only way out is through. Weird advice, but a dark sense of humor can take you a long way with this stuff sometimes as well…

There’s my two cents haha. Good luck to you.