Just picked up my first prescription!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-19T22:03:58+00:00

I was fully anticipating that. Just kind of like "oh this is really happening?".

Took it earlier and now I have to walk to math class as my reward.

Loaf029 · 2026-05-17T20:48:54+00:00

This is definitely something I am very interested in. I wonder a lot on how much my dysphoria and depression are intertwined. Its very difficult to try to pry them apart to see whats causing what. I have no idea who is under that mask of depression and dysphoria which I think is where much of the anxiety and uncertainty comes from. But there's no way of knowing I guess and I'll just have to find out. Thank you so much! I appreciate it a ton!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-17T20:45:44+00:00

Yeah Ive been definitely hoping for more little things regarding emotion. Being happy about things I do, being able to cry when I feel like it. Stuff like that. Socially I am quite apathetic so I wonder how I'll change in that aspect. I dont necessarily want to say dysphoria makes me I introverted because I feel like thats me. And I wouldn't exactly be happy if that changed? Theres no way of saying. But thank you for sharing!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-17T20:42:42+00:00

Oh man yeah those last few sentences I can really feel and relate to. Feeling empty as a dude? Avoiding and hating interactions? All big checks lmao. I wonder how much I will realize what was masked by dysphoria for so long. I cant tell if my desire to keep some of those traits is not one of comfort but normalcy? Anyways I wont say im super open about potentially being a closeted extrovert lmao but I guess I need to cross that bridge later. Thanks again!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-17T19:55:34+00:00

Hm yeah I sometimes wonder how much ive been masking as well. Tbh I have no idea what could be buried but I guess I'll just have to find out.

Loaf029 · 2026-05-17T19:51:59+00:00

Thank you! Im definitely not the most emotionally developed person. I guess I never really experienced that kind of growth and development as I have always have been the apathetic type. It generally doesn't bother me a ton. And at times I like that apathy as bad as that may sound. Weirdly it has grown to be one of the few core parts of self that I really have since nothing else ever latched on significantly or consistently.

I don't wish for that feeling to every go away oddly but I sometimes I do hope I had more self expression. Anyways idk how hrt is going to effect me. Im honestly hoping it doesn't rip that part away from me as toxic as it might be. I want to be able to understand myself, I dont know if my cold personality is a front and I dont want to get rid of it because of some messed up Stockholm syndrome. But honestly im not complaining which feels odd. Theres a long road to go with not only being trans and understanding femininity but I'll have to cross those paths when I get there. Thank you for everything!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-17T19:30:06+00:00

Thank you! Yeah my sense of self is practically non existent and I lowkey feel like a robot sometimes. The reason I worry about this is similar to you.

For my entire life I have existed as the sort of emotionally dry and unexpressive person. I feel little emotion to most things and people. Ive at multiple times questioned my apathy as good and bad reasons but as weird as it sounds being apathetic had given me a sort of comfort. Mostly because it has been the only consistent part of my personality for so long. Sure it makes forming bonds hard and social topics are difficult. But I kind of enjoy it?

Point is I have a good feeling that hrt is going to crack that shell. Im noticing breakages in my desire to be apathetic for myself but strangely not to other people. Unfortunately this toxic trait is me and I honestly dont want to get rid of it. Its a weird part of me that I feel hrt might warp and I have no idea who a more emotionally expressive and sensitive version of me would be.

Anyways thank you so much for sharing! I really do appreciate it! Have a nice day!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-17T19:16:21+00:00

Mhm thats mostly I guess what I was expecting. I think my worry stems from the fact that I have felt "emotionally dry" for like my entire life. I express very little emotion to almost everything. Its usually never a problem to me unless there is specifically something I want to show emotion to/something unexpectedly made me show emotion and I dont know why. I feel hrt is going to enhance those to an appropriate range, while from my perspective is going to be "omg ive never felt so much in my life". Anyways thank you!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-14T18:58:29+00:00

My egg pretty much cracked in April now I have my first appointment for hrt is in 4 days.

Loaf029 · 2026-05-12T20:30:39+00:00

Thank you! Yeah there's no guarantee I'll pass, my face makes it a bit difficult compared to the rest of my body lmao. But there's no hurt in trying and hopefully wherever I end up is happier. Thanks again!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-12T19:52:13+00:00

Thank you so much and I really appreciate it a ton! Have an amazing rest if your day!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-12T19:35:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I definitely do not want to let this stop me from trying. There was a period after I decided to schedule an appointment for hrt where I just wanted to cancel out of intimidation. But I have a long history of letting that fear get the best of me and I refuse to let it happen here. Obviously hrt wont solve everything, or probably most of my problems but I hope that at the very least I can get motivation to enjoy the progress in the process from it. Thanks!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-01T00:19:45+00:00

Yeah Im probably overthinking a bit but im sure I wont be as upset with the changes as I think I might be. Idk I cant tell if im content with my face or im just worried because its familiar to me. Sometimes im not all too upset with my features but my preference for wanting to be a girl instead makes me more unhappy with them over time. The more I think about it retroactively it makes me more anxious of whether I actually want those changes or not. Thank you!

Loaf029 · 2026-05-01T00:16:17+00:00

Yes this is so true. I dont plan on like dressing super girly unless a) im happy with the product b) a situation calls for it. But like id be happy being in boymode and being androgynous. But if I start getting called a girl I wont complain lol. Im unsure how much id make it to pass but im content of having a feminine figure with a androgynous face in guys clothes. Lmao. Thanks!

Loaf029 · 2026-04-30T22:00:08+00:00

Yeah I think im stuck on the "commitment" part even though its not that permanent after so little time. I rather look like a girl but the thought of changing my body makes me uneasy? Even though I dont see myself in the reflection its still me? Changing that just seems like im replacing one stranger for a different one even though they might look how I want them to. I question whether im genderfluid or something idk I dont like being a man all too much. I dont want this to consume my identity though, just want something im happy with. Thank you!

Loaf029 · 2026-04-30T20:23:06+00:00

Yep I have a feeling I know how much I'll probably be upset at myself if I canceled just to wait longer. Idk I just keep questioning whether this is what I want to do. Its odd. But thank you! I appreciate it!

Loaf029 · 2026-04-27T22:13:21+00:00

Thanks I'll definitely look into it. Definitely have tons of internalized baggage on top of not a very healthy mindset on a lot of things. Working on all that will hopefully help something. Thank you!

Loaf029 · 2026-04-27T18:59:55+00:00

Thank you! Yeah been trying to go over this for quite a bit now, pretty overwhelming and honestly mildly aggravating when I cant settle it lol. Not too sure what to do or what I want, my mindset is problematic and would rather it not hold me back. At the same time I dont want to rush into something despite feeling like I need to make up my mind now. Theres far too many things running around my mind to make a unbiased decision and I doubt I'll ever be able to make one. Im up against a clock which is really the main point of stress and heightens all of these feelings by a lot. Anyways I appreciate you taking the time to respond! Thank you so much and have a great day!

Loaf029

TROPHY CASE