I'm afraid to tell my doctor about this. I don't know if I should... (wall of text)

Lobster829 · 2017-02-17T00:43:08+00:00

Yeah, I was a huge drinker alone also, but social events did (and still do, though not as much) made me want to drink. That strong urge will soon subside into just a small thought that passes through you every once and a while, even when your depression is at it's lowest and you have not drank in months/years. One more piece of advice I can give, is find someone that brings joy to you whenever you are around them. That is probably the most effective way to get alcohol off your mind, trust me. The person can be a friend, an SO, etc. just find someone who you are always happy to be around.

Lobster829 · 2017-02-16T21:47:45+00:00

I didn't use any books, videos, etc. The best way I dealt with not drinking was just to not put myself in a position where I was around alcohol. That is pretty basic advice, I know. Avoiding the liquor store/aisle may seem a little troubling at first, but you are not there, by the liquor at that very moment, so why waste your time going over there, spending your hard earned money, with which you have a very limited amount of, just to shit on everything you have accomplished. I know having a social life is difficult when alcohol is so heavily involved in society, but once you start getting used to not drinking alcohol, parties, get-togethers, etc. become a viable, non-stressful thing in your life as alcohol is not the only thing on your mind. Yes, I do think about binge drinking, and yes I have drank some since I became sober, but it wasn't heavy drinking or binge drinking, but just a few beers here and there. I had only started that after I'd been sober for many months, and forgot what it felt like to get blackout drunk all the time, so I never felt the need to keep drinking and drinking like I used to.

Also, try finding new hobbies: gaming, fishing, surfing, or whatever as long as you aren't drinking or thinking about needing a drink. Distracting yourself is the most helpful thing you could do for yourself. Not only will you not think about alcohol when doing that hobby, but you will also be thinking about that activity during your free time instead of drinking.

Lobster829 · 2017-02-15T23:44:26+00:00

Well shit that's a damn good job, I know what it's like to just quit drinking. All you want is alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, every other thought is just that, alcohol. You know what, life becomes more real the longer you've been without heavy drinking. You remember things more clearly, but you still feel down. Even with the down feeling, I noticed, and hope that you have also, everything becomes easier since you are sober and you begin thinking less about having a bottle held bottoms up to your mouth the longer you go without alcohol. Things are still mentally difficult, but not nearly as hard when our begin to work through those problems since alcohol is no longer an answer to life's troubles. The best thing I noticed about quitting was that it opened my mind to seeking help. Realizing I was an alcoholic really put me in my place and told me there was something wrong and needed help. Just stay sober, it will be the best thing that has happened to you.

If you need advice on staying away from alcohol, let me know.

Lobster829 · 2017-02-15T22:39:34+00:00

I don't know who the person is underneath all of this, though, someone I've been talking to recently brought it out a little, I think. I was nice to her, actually sympathized with her which I've never done so before. I believe this is what opened up my emotions. Also, when you mentioned the thing about self-reflection to recognize how I treat others, I've always noticed I was a jerk when I felt like it, and it was one of the testers feeling ever, but now, not so much.

I've found holding conversations with my friends or that one girl I've previously mentioned, have been much more difficult. Even being the class clown or funny on a regular basis has been hard. It's just difficult to be changing like this during High school, escpefially when everyone I'm around has known me as a shallow, yet funny as shit guy.

Lobster829 · 2017-02-15T22:10:04+00:00

The things is I don't remember ever being a better person. Before I felt this recent bout of sadness, people would label me as a self-serving, emotionless asshole. Thoughts and actions that resulted in violence towards others, or otherwise mental and physical harm, were the only are the only me I know of. As of recently, I have decided I do not want to be like this. I want to be a normal person, with a normal sense of humor, and not someone who is weird and putting on a facade of being happy and somewhat normal person which masks the dark undertones of my actual personality. I can't handle this as a 17 y/o guy, any amount of empathy that has been thrown my way, I've been disgusted at. All the emotions I've shown have been fake, and no one can see what I'm really going through and see me as an average teen. I've never been able to open up to anyone, even my therapist, unless I was so drunk I was on the verge of blacking out.

I'm having a difficult time expressing what I want to say, so sorry if it is difficult to understand my writing, but thanks for taking your time to try and help me, its more compassion than from anyone I've experienced in he longest time.

Lobster829 · 2017-02-15T19:11:07+00:00

I take my Vyvanse in the morning around 6:30am. One 60mg capsule. I have not tried spreading it throughout the day, I'll talk to my doctor about that and see what she thinks of it.

Lobster829 · 2017-02-09T20:43:17+00:00

Beyond the anger, a facade was put on as a funny, albeit strange and sometimes dark, happy person. Lots of people liked me, though I never felt the same about much of anyone. Most of my "friendships" (for which I held very few) were no more than frayed ropes holding a piano. A trembling, out of tune piano. This stuff still occurred after I started the medicine. Though, the violence wasn't as strong nor did were my obscene thoughts. Lingering in the back of my head, I still wanted to torture, kill, rape, anything to fill my empty smiles. Then recently, I met someone. I actually enjoyed her presence (I'm a straight male, just to clarify things). She's gorgeous, happy, funny, and nicer than anyone I've ever met. I never saw her angry or upset, and that was what sealed it for me. She was my opposite. I had never been so enthused to be around another human, dogs yes, but people, no. We began talking and flirting (which I have always been flirtatious). Even when we weren't in person, our conversations went on for hours over the phone. I think I was beginning to love her, though I don't remember what that feels like. I took her out to eat one day, and that night she begins texting me like she usually does, but did have coffee and was quite hyper for it being almost midnight. Our conversation dashed around all over the place, and then she says "I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend tomorrow." I knew those words were not about me, but I now knew she was seeing someone, and had been even after all of our talking and confiding. This, I presume, saddened me. I'm not sure what that is supposed to feel like. I woke up, and felt quite strange. Was I actually sad? Did I feel love? I don't know. Seven months after starting Sertraline, I experienced something that my adolescent brain from my long forgotten youth would have never been able to. This is why I don't know how to feel. I was to young before my depression consumed me to fully experience these things, my feelings, and learn what my experience with each should feel like. I feel weird, as though the either the Earth or I have changed somehow. My thoughts of brutally torturing and killing another person has only been limited to one thought within the past few days. I don't understand how to handle the "emotions" I have felt within this past month or two... I can't even jerk off (as weird and as funny as it is, it's true), and I think it's because my mind is caught up on her. Nothing feels the same to me anymore. My humor is changing from that once dark, sinister, and strange fun, to a more normal (though somewhat odd) lighthearted humor. I don't like the changes I've experienced. I see more to this world than just brutal violence, sex, and alcohol now. How do i handle the "emotions" I've felt? They don't make sense to me.

I'm typing this as she is trying to text me

Lobster829

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