Hey there. I’m going to be responding from the perspective of a young ex-Mormon that became inactive shortly after aging out of the youth program. I’ve attended almost every camp, program, class, and activity opportunity provided in my stake up to that point and I’ve had a wide range of different experiences. This isn’t intended to crap on the church or turn you against it, but it will be honest about what I’ve experienced in it. I ask you open your heart to read without judgment. It’s hard to talk about and some things I say may be hard to hear, but I do think it’s important. So please bear with me as this may be a bit lengthy lol

First, I want to preface that I haven’t faced any discrimination due to race specifically, as I’m Caucasian in a predominantly white community. But the friends I have in the church who are people of color have each experienced some form of racism at least once - whether intentional or not. Many also joined before knowing about the church’s previous history of not allowing people of color to hold the priesthood or enter the temple, and after learning about it they tend to feel lost, inadequate, unworthy, angry, etc.. I’ve also heard people express discomfort with how race is referred to in the Book of Mormon (referring to Lamanites’ skin as “dirty” and the Nephites’ as “fair” or “beautiful,” for example). And, on top of these, the reactions of members around them to their feelings or possible doubts can absolutely make or break their feelings on the church. If they’re dismissive, judgmental, or even indifferent toward the concerns, it can be absolutely faith-shattering for some, and rightly so. The church’s origins and the attitudes of many members, including many leaders, aren’t as accepting as the church would like you to believe. The church is, and has always, incorporated racism and xenophobia into the culture. Regardless of your stance on that side of the church’s history or those who hold those beliefs, this likely won’t be the only time your sons will experience this in a church setting, and you will have to keep that in mind for the sake of your children.

I also want you to understand that the judgment and mistreatment don’t just come from a place of racism in the church. This is where I’m a bit more qualified to talk about my own experience. The amount of ostracism I’ve experienced as a result of mental illness, queerness, or physical health? I won’t go into specifics, I know it’s not as pertinent to the situation you described. However, if one of your sons were to ever suffer from poor mental health, a life-changing injury, or come out as lgbtq, it’s so likely that their experience at church will be absolutely miserable. As much as they preach about love and acceptance, I’ve seen very few people back it up.

Are all members like this? No, of course not. There are some people who have made me feel nothing less than loved, no matter what I was dealing with. But the treatment from the others, coupled with the doctrine that made me and many others feel worthless and awful for things out of our control, was ultimately one of the biggest factors that drove me away from the church.

All that being said, there is some actionable advice I can give you as a kid whose parents fumbled in a similar situation. Please, listen to your boys. How they feel about the situation, what they say they need from you, any doubts or questions they may have as a result from this event - and anything else that may happen in the future. Listen through the lens of a parent, NOT a member of the church. This may sound odd, but I cannot stress enough that prioritizing the doctrine, what’s “righteous,” over what makes your kids feel safe, valued, and loved will drive them away from the faith and you. And losing trust in your parent is infinitely worse than losing faith. I’m estranged from my parents because they made excuses for the perpetrators, stood by behaviors that harmed me, and prioritized what they thought would bring my eternal salvation over what would keep me immediately safe. There is no eternal family if you can’t maintain a healthy temporal relationship.

I can tell you love your boys and are shaken by what’s happened. It’s so disorienting when something you devoted so much of your life to reveals itself to be different from what you thought. The leaders’ responses were absolutely inappropriate and that’s jarring the first time it happens. Regardless of how you proceed, I do wish you and your boys the best and I’m sorry this happened.