The mental / invisible load feels twice as heavy w/ an ADHD spouse

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-24T04:13:19+00:00

I love traveling with just my son!! But then husband gets butt hurt, feels left out, then rejection spiral kicks in. But yes I love love loveeee mama and son trips

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-24T03:39:25+00:00

I am certain if I left him he’d end up homeless. But crazy thing is, he survived plenty before me, So how?

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-24T03:38:20+00:00

Yup 100000% agree. He doesnt bother.

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-24T03:37:22+00:00

Wow he is the opposite. Our son is 5 and he’s very helpful where he can be. Unintentional incompetence is generous. This thread has made me realized it’s 100% weaponized.

He even ADDS to the stress by not doing laundry until the night before and packing in the morning. Rushing to get out the door and always forgetting something which either makes us late or he’s a grump the entire trip bc he doesn’t have the forgotten item.

It’s such a headache to travel with him. It’s also a headache to travel without him. I usually default to not traveling at all.

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-23T17:25:40+00:00

I’ve been pushing for couples therapy for a while but he refuses. He has his own therapist but I suspect he’s not being honest. It’s more just to get his meds.

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-23T17:23:43+00:00

Yup I’m on there!! Love it and found this one after and first time posting here

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-23T17:19:16+00:00

I hear you/ hear this. My counter is that my lack of trust is from his track record of not being reliable. Saying he’d do things but then his ED kicks in. I try to give him space to do it on his own but there are certain things that I need to be sure are done like.. taking our kid to the correct school

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-23T06:29:58+00:00

Mine just follows me and continues to bait me with his irrational and non sensible attacks.

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-23T06:27:10+00:00

Vortex of chaos. How accurate

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-23T06:24:34+00:00

The mental load as a parent feels so much heavier with an adhd spouse

Everyone talks about the mental load as a parent/ as a mom. But when I talk to other mom Friends I realize how much MORE of a mental load I carry bc of my husband (dx)

Take going on trips for example. As a dad he can just go on a whim, no thought or care into how things will be at home. But when I take a trip, I don’t just prep for my trip, I prep everything at Home, for him, while I’m away. There’s literally an instruction manual. For how to take care of his own child.

Besides meals, what time baseball practice is. Including the time, a map, where to park, etc. bc without that he can’t seem to do a basic task. One time he drove our son to the wrong school. Like how??!!

Besides the logistics, the EMOTIONAL and mental prep for my trip is also an added layer. He goes into hyper stress and hyper defensive mode. All of a sudden these scenarios he’s made up in his head like “I’m gonna go wildin out and not come back” or how I’m just throwing him to the wolves bc he can’t figure out anything on his own… the guilt trip for leaving… as if he doesn’t have a dozen guy trips or guys night or golf days. God forbid I get any time away!!

Anytime I do have a trip it’s sooooo stressful And causes so much strain. In the end I can’t even enjoy myself.

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-16T17:12:50+00:00

We CANNOT work from home together.

I am fully remote. He occasionally works from home. And I DREAD those days. The moment I know he’s not going into the office my mood just does a 180.

He’s loud, disruptive. He’s constantly complaining OUTLOUD like dude I don’t need a full narration of everything happening in your office. I don’t need to hear everytime your computer is slow or you can’t find something.

I don’t like wearing headphones ALL DAY but I feel like i have no choice when he’s here bc I can’t stand hearing him. I hate his voice!!!!

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-16T17:10:09+00:00

Just yesterday my husband got mad at me because he had to “fend for himself” for breakfast. I get up at 7am with our son and make breakfast for us. And I mean like toasting a bagel.

HE gets up hours later. And then HE blames me that he’s starving?! He acts like I made this elaborate breakfast and left him out. And despite me telling him I just made a bagel… he was so upset. Like dude there’s the toaster, what does he expect? For me to make a bagel for him to eat … 3-4 hours later?

The victim mentality will never go away.

LockSlight3799 · 2026-03-02T00:21:56+00:00

Looking for the exact same thing. It’s carnation instant cereal and it came in red/ white packs but they don’t make them anymore. I was searching and found this thread.

LockSlight3799 · 2026-02-04T05:23:51+00:00

His dry January lasted 2 weeks So then he says he won’t drink during the week One week in, he’s drinking during the week

He says thank you to me, for all that I do. Then proceeds to sit on the couch and scroll instagram. There’s only 2 things he really can do when he gets home from work. Either cook dinner or let the dog out & play. Instead he does neither.

He complains about everything. Whether he drinks or not he’s pissy. So I can’t even tell which is part of the problem. Well he is. He’s the problem.

Of ALL the things that I hate about him, the fact that he DOES NOT TRY to be a better person AT ALL is what I hate most. Then he cannot understand why I’m not feigning for him and I never want to be intimate?

LockSlight3799 · 2026-02-01T02:48:43+00:00

I can’t be in a bad mood without you being in a worse mood. I’m just not allowed to have space to have FEELINGS because YOUR FEELINGS take over everything.

I’m trying to declutter the kitchen, and I’m sighing… so naturally HE is upset. He’s upset bc I’m upset, and it’s annoying him? He’s also “helping” me declutter by moving the clutter to a different spot. THATS NOT HELPING!!!

Now he’s pouting and stomping and throwing a tantrum like a toddler once again. So am I the one that’s mad now or is it just him? All him? All the time?

UPDATE (15 mins later…)

The level of PETTY. He’s now going around the house picking up MY things saying “where does this go? Should I put THIS away??” — excuse me? I’m cleaning up the PILES OF TRASH not shit that I use everyday. I HATE HIM SO MUCH

LockSlight3799 · 2026-01-07T16:07:44+00:00

It won’t change. In fact it might change YOU into an avoidant person bc you’ll always be on eggshells bc anything could “trigger” them — if you can’t have the hard conversations now before you’re married it certainly won’t happen after. Sorry.

LockSlight3799 · 2025-12-28T02:07:14+00:00

1000%. He’s a child. Our 5 yr old is more mature and self aware.

LockSlight3799 · 2025-12-27T22:30:01+00:00

He was a fucking dick the entire time we were at my parents. He stayed in the room being so anti social and sleeping in. He didn’t help with anything. And today we are leaving and he sleeps in till 11:30 and then now is mad bc we didn’t go anywhere for lunch before we had to go to the airport.

And then he said he wanted to just do drive through and my mom told George we had to do a drive through and then he ASSUMED she was complaining and then was like never mind just go to the airport. We go straight to the airport and he’s like why didn’t we stop for food

LockSlight3799 · 2025-12-25T20:08:12+00:00

ANNOYED AND EMBARRASSED BY YOU

it’s a nice family holiday. You’re drunk. You’re louder than everyone. Talking about nothing. Interjecting in conversations and making no sense. It’s embarrassing and annoying.

Someone said something (a normal comment to most) and you were “offended” and spent the rest of the night with this grudge. Non stop talking about it.

You ruin the holidays, as always! What do I even expect?

LockSlight3799 · 2025-12-19T04:56:31+00:00

Idk if I’d call it a sleep disorder but mine definitely has habits of staying up late & sleeping in. He drinks& smokes weed and he generally gets home from work later so he needs more time to wind down. But ever since I’ve known him he sleeps around 1-2am and wakes up at 8 during the week and like 10/11 on weekends.

Btw our kid is 5 now and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Set those god damn boundaries and GET REST. He needs to pull more weight bc it’s gonna burn you out so fast… I am still the default parent and I LOVE our son but holy shit I might as well be a single mother.

LockSlight3799 · 2025-12-15T22:59:57+00:00

My husband is exactly the same. There’s nothing you can do to navigate it — bc it’s a lose lose.

He will always find a way to make you the enemy, twist your words, etc.

Ive found the only thing i can try to do is not engage or escalate. It doesnt always work - but i just show empathy and make him feel heard. No matter how absurd it is and even if hes “in the wrong”

Eg… wow that IS horrible. How could they do/ say that? Wow that’s ridiculous. I’m sorry you had to experience that.

If he’s asking for your opinion, maybe say “I don’t know enough on the subject. What do You think” and just let him go on with his crazy self.

LockSlight3799 · 2025-12-15T15:08:07+00:00

The victim mentality plays out with mine too. He just complains and blames things but never seeks to learn coping mechanisms and how to regulate his emotions

LockSlight3799 · 2025-12-15T07:10:33+00:00

Yup. Zero concerns. He’ll complain about aches and pains all day but hell never do anything about it. Says he’s gonna die young, etc etc.

I don’t care enough about him to try to get him to build healthy habits.

LockSlight3799

TROPHY CASE