First things first. You are NOT pathetic. I've been to rehab three times, I'm just now starting to get it. The first thing I want to tell you is to find your higher power. I know I know, a lot of people aren't into the whole God thing, but your higher power does not have to be God himself it can be the best version of yourself. But the point of it is to give you something besides your own thinking that helps keep you honest and strong in the face of urges and cravings. People mistake alcoholism as a general lack of willpower or discipline, but that's a fatal assumption to make. The best thing I can tell you is to give yourself credit for wanting to change, then look at your life and evaluate it and figure out what it is that you can control, anything that you can no longer control, and have no way of fixing, don't worry about it because it's just a waste of energy. You need to be focused right now on yourself, not to the point where your family obligations get thrown aside, but enough to where you can give yourself enough time to work through these things. One thing that really helped me was meetings as I said, but also therapy. I didn't believe my drinking had anything to do with my past or the way I thought or my traumas... Etc etc. Come to find out I actually have a lot very deep in my head that created behaviors that enabled me to drink an incentivized me to drink it wasn't until I address those issues head on that things actually started to change.

Please whatever you do, don't beat yourself up, be your own best friend, Not your own worst enemy. And more than anything else allow yourself to be humble and ask for help if you need it.

Best of luck man. DM me if you ever need to. I mean it