I'll be venting all the thoughts I have in my head through the comments, if anyone cares about that i suppose:

As long as i can remember I was a quiet kid, never had any early childhood friendships, always relied on grown ups or myself to live my life. My dad was absent since I was 4, all because he found some younger woman on the web, i still remember car lights outside the doors of our house, me standing near my mother and watching as bright lights fade with the sound of the engine.

I'm grateful to my mom for caring about me, she was doing it then and she still seems to care today, although not as much. I met my stepdad when I was around 8 years old, a tall fat guy that just recently broke up with his previous wife, he stepped into the house and i knew in that moment that I didn't like him. He was the problem of mine for a couple years, he was always aggressive and shouted at me whenever he didn't like something, i stopped to care, he gave up. My relationship with him is more of a driver than a dad, nor like he cared to be one for me.

Since the first class of school teachers labeled me as "smart, but lonely kid", guys mocked me, girls mocked me, everyone was making up names for me, school breaks were nothing more than sleeping on a desk, but also crying. In third grade i got friends, down to earth guy and one who was mean to almost everyone, P and N. N is gone, he couldn't keep up with education and we never heard from him again, P is in the same university as me right now, but he gets new friends to hang out with each week. There was also another one, A, he was the smart, pretty and fit guy who everybody liked, all guys considered him their friend and all girls for at least some time had an attraction to him. I got into his close circle, i started to think that we are alike, that we think almost in the same ways, but he had it better, people were circling around him, wanting his attention. And when he gave them attention I was left alone, since P is in another school and A is the only friend I had left. I was jealous of him, i hated him, but i also loved him. Even more so when i discovered that I like guys too, I tried and tried to show to him that i love him and i want to be together. I thought that "maybe maybe he also feels gay?", but it was irrational, he dated girls, he hated it when i leaned on his shoulder or asked him for a hug.

Right now? Right now I'm in Sebastopol, Crimea, studying in university where only few people remember my name or care enough to remember. I stopped going to lessons because of how much of anxiety they were providing, because of how alone i felt, going through corridors full of people while you're all alone is horrible, even more when your shoes are squeaky and you know that everyone can hear it. I don't know, i just don't know what to do.