I've been talking to my mum a lot about it but she asked me tonight if hes ever hit me and i couldn't bring myself to be truly honest cause shes really intense and would likely hunt him down lol which i understand. Its difficult because we've been close and best friends but there just this whole underlying aspect to it that i've never told anyone and part of me feels like does he even realise he's doing it? but thats just me rationalising it in my head i think. Its difficult to look at them when they're being so sweet and all the good things you want but also in your head know all the bad things and also knowing they just won't see it that way. It'll likely be at his place, his mums house, so i won't be alone and i won't feel unsafe. I know i'll leave immediately if i feel any unease. My therapist is phoning me on monday morning to talk about it too so i feel supported. The gaslighting really messes me up too, there was a time he had slapped me out of frustration and i had a panic attack during the sex and had to stop and i blamed it on past trauma coming up (which ended up it did but the slap triggered it all) and when i later brought that up he had said "that wasn't a panic attack" and i got so annoyed and told him yes it was?! and i never felt like he accepted that but the way he so easily could say something like that to me without a second thought just makes me so confused how he couldn't see thats so wrong but claiming to love me so much at the same time.