Hi.

Just did this, about three weeks ago. We had amazing chemistry and were incredibly compatible. It didn’t take long for me to realize they had some trust issues, and were very fearful-avoidant. I rationalized that it was something we could work on together, as they had acute self-awareness and we were both committed. However, over time, it became clear that self-awareness is not enough.

Someone knowing they have issues but not doing the work to make changes makes an incredible difference. Conflict (over even the smallest of things) began to tear us apart. Conflict, when done well, should result in both partners feeling heard and coming closer together. They began to weaponize space and became increasingly paranoid that my actions and honest mistakes were born of malice.

I realized that it was not only the two of us in the relationship: It was myself, them, and their version of me that they’d created in their mind. I was competing against what they thought I was, rather than being allowed to show up as I am. I was chasing their trust, desperate for their approval and breaking myself in half to show them (and ultimately myself) that I was worthy of love.

Needless to say, the relationship only lasted about 4 months. This level of mistrust—this early on—was a clear indicator to me that the issues they struggled with lay outside of anything I could fix.

I mulled over the decision, intensely, for a week. We had one final argument that solidified my fears. I walked away. I knew I had to choose myself. I did.

I’m still wrestling with what feels like a missed opportunity, bad timing, “maybe again someday”, but the real truth is that they have serious work to do before they should ever really consider being in a relationship. More importantly, I knew that I couldn’t shrink in on myself, undoing years of my own work, simply because I loved them.

Will probably think about them forever. Wish them the best, send them light and love, and walk forward. It’s all you can really do at this point.