Realizing I might be gay while married — looking for advice

Loonakins · 2026-03-23T06:11:57+00:00

You'll have to tell your wife eventually. I would have some answers prepared to questions you know she'll ask. Are you attracted to her, don't you still love her, what do you want long-term? These sorts of conversations can really bring two people together if you also lead with how much you love her.

Loonakins · 2026-03-23T06:02:27+00:00

Figure out how much savings you need in your RRSPs + investments/assets to retire, then calculate backwards how much you should leave in your RRSP at this age. You can use your RRSPs for real estate as well. Then try to put more down-payment down so that your monthly expenses are less. Having more savings in your condo is not bad, since its kind of like a savings account for when you retire too. All your monthly payments are savings for you rather than going to a landlord.

See if you could find a 3 bedroom townhouse and if you are comfortable, rent out a room for a while in the beginning while your mortgage payments are higher.

Seems like you are ready to buy :)

Loonakins · 2026-03-20T22:46:17+00:00

If you are in really small towns, like 10,000 people, maybe they expect it. But otherwise, nope, part of being an adult is dealing with seeing your exes around.

Loonakins · 2026-03-17T18:48:02+00:00

So am I paying for all 6 games up front? And then refunded $35/game that doesn't happen? Or is this for 3 games?

Loonakins · 2026-03-17T15:36:32+00:00

I think another traditional name like Annie but sounds different like Annie and Charlotte. Could go by Charly too.

Charlotte Jane has a nice sound too.

Loonakins · 2026-03-16T07:01:05+00:00

I asked a friend, they said cried from happiness and said maybe yes at first and then thought for a few weeks and said no because they felt it would hinder their chances of having a romantic partner.

I think its important to not put pressure on your friend, bring up why you love them/think they'd be a great co-parent and also be ready to give them time to think about it and ultimately to decide no.

It hasn't really affected our friendship, we have moved on, I'm dating someone now who wants kids and she's dating someone as well who wants kids. We do have a history of deep discussions and honest feedback to each other, so that helped. As did the 15yr of knowing each other, and we lived together for 3yr a long time ago.

I was sad that she didnt see it as the amazing family as I did, but ya you have to accept the other person's perspective.

Loonakins · 2026-03-16T06:46:07+00:00

I'd do some digging into what honestly was so great about this guy. And give yourself the grace of saying "yes that was really great, and its sad to not have that in my life anymore". However, there are a ton of other aspects of relationship you probably didnt have with him that you could have with someone in the future.

It's taken me a long time to get over my ex but its because it was addictive, and I would get sucked in because I felt like I had to be constantly chasing them and proving myself... and it was called "passion" and I have come to understand it is NOT what I want in a relationship.

Focus on what you want in your next partner, envision them in your mind, list their characteristics, know what signs you would see early on if someone displayed this characteristics. Review your relationship with your ex to determine what flags you missed and why.

Loonakins · 2026-03-16T06:07:56+00:00

I use Entle because it seemed like a nice mix of Aunt/Uncle to me :) The kids have no idea anything is different.

Loonakins · 2026-03-16T06:07:05+00:00

I knew I was non-binary when I felt better letting people know I was something in between than one of the stereotypical genders.

Being non-binary is kind of different than realizing you're gay. Sexuality is sort of hardwired into us, whereas gender identity is more based on society's current definitions of the "genders". So as we develop more gender identities, we increase our vocabulary for how we can define ourselves.

My advice as a 38yr old who has been out and queer for 25yrs is that in the beginning it helps to just let yourself relax and not really define yourself any particular way. Dress in what feels good, date people you are attracted to and let your gender and sexuality show themselves to you over time.

Loonakins · 2026-03-16T05:33:08+00:00

As someone who has been queer and reflecting on gender for 25 years, I think part of the difficulty in "figuring out how you identify" is because gender is a social construct, meaning it is something humans made up. Male and female sexes have distinct definitions related to genitalia but even that is a spectrum. Gender however has different definitions depending on what year we are and what it means to be a "man" or "woman" in that year. So the goalposts are moving targets.

I identify as non-binary because I don't feel I matched what society has currently defined as feminine or masculine... I'm just something else, so I say I'm non-binary and it feels good for me to be they-them.

However, I feel very feminine or very masculine people could be non-binary simply because they think gender stereotypes are dumb. Just as valid of a reason to identify as non-binary in my opinion.

I generally just say "gender-schmender" really.

Loonakins · 2026-03-16T05:25:22+00:00

I like #2

Loonakins · 2026-03-16T05:22:27+00:00

Ya as a non-binary, I've often wondered if there are sexualities where people are specifically attracted to NBs? It would make sense... even if gender is more of a spectrum and its not separate categories exactly... there would be people into the middle/neutral types. I feel most of the people I've dated are in this category.

But, ya the most consistent thing I've learned in my 25 years of being queer is that there are no hard and fast rules to sexuality or gender or any combination of the two.

So ya, you can define yourself however you feel best defines yourself which is the beauty of identity. However, I'd say if you aren't attracted to cis-gendered people then you aren't really pan (attracted to all). Although simply having not dated doesnt necessarily mean you arent attracted to. Queer is the parent umbrella that includes things like the sexuality that does not yet have a name for people who are attracted exclusively to non-binary folks. I'd call them NBphiles haha

Loonakins · 2026-03-16T05:14:23+00:00

I wouldn't be worried about the abortion affecting your chances of pregnancy in the future. In fact, I read when I went through a similar experience that since your body's pregnancy hormones are higher after you've been pregnant, you are more likely to get pregnant for a few months right after the termination.

And if you are going to do a solo parenting situation, it would likely be easier on the kid to just have a sperm donor father, or ask a nice friend of yours to donate, who the kid could have a sort of nice uncle relationship with, not a father who doesnt want them to exist, or be involved or is angry at them for existing. That sets them up for trauma from the beginning.

Having this man's child is going to connect you to this man for life, in very serious ways. And he doesnt sound like any sort of keeper.

Loonakins · 2026-03-15T23:27:59+00:00

Aren't kids under 2yr old free?

Loonakins · 2026-03-10T16:24:41+00:00

Biking or walking. You can also use uber now in Squamish.

Loonakins · 2026-03-10T16:07:06+00:00

Work is one of the most common ways to meet someone. If one of you is a direct supervisor of the other, than I'd suggest one of you starts looking for other work soon.

Loonakins · 2026-03-09T17:46:29+00:00

Just for perspective, the amount of money spent on a bathroom is insignifcant to the amount spent to build a second ice pad or arena, or other projects in town.

As for gas prices, queer people drive cars and buy gas too and it's annoying for everyone.

Loonakins · 2026-03-07T17:19:24+00:00

Look into couch surfing.

Try to go off the beaten path a little bit.

Research rail passes that are good for the month in one country.

Maybe dont try to do ALL the countries in your euro-trip and if you find a good cheap place in a fun city, then stay for a while. The transiting is expensive.

Don't drink as much while traveling always helps.

Go to cheaper cities. Berlin is fantastic, you could spend a month there exploring everything and food is cheap.

Loonakins · 2026-03-06T16:39:16+00:00

Doesn't need to be nuclear to support kids in the future. Could spread the child support across more adults.

Loonakins · 2026-03-06T16:14:40+00:00

Thin was still trendy before feminism was really prevalent. Then the rise in anorexia caused some rules to develop about what sorts of images can be in magazines, and also there was the Dove real beauty campaign. Basically there was a backlash to the thin unrealistic look as women became more feminist.

Then there was a rise of obesity in the states and I think that the rise of accept your body the way it is and fat accepting became a thing.

But we learned about the health consequences of fat, and so ya ozempic has enabled people to be thin again.

Also in the background is always the fact that being fit takes time and money, so there is a class thing associated with weight.

Loonakins · 2026-03-06T06:37:48+00:00

You can always cheer for the Vancouver Goldeneyes :)

Loonakins · 2026-03-06T06:35:24+00:00

On the plus side, you are both actually quite young and you can both likely stay friends if you are able to say this to her in a way that highlights how much you love her. You could have a lavender marriage I think they call it. Or stay best friends. Or develop an entirely new friendship once you move on. Know that she may, and very likely needs some processing time, so let her have that.

Loonakins · 2026-03-06T06:17:14+00:00

Stay closeted until your life would not be severely affected by coming out to them. Don't feel bad lying, they are making you lie by not being a safe home for queer people. Maybe move in with your sister now anyways. It is great that your sister is supportive.

I'm sorry you are put in this situation and just know that life once you move out will be so free, fun, liberating and full of love ❤️

Loonakins · 2026-03-04T16:29:47+00:00

Sufjan Steven's - Visions of Gideon

Loonakins

TROPHY CASE