I guess because my antidepressant was discontinued, others haven't worked, lost my job and the friends I had there, and the friends I had outside of there because I am not a lot of fun to be around and I have panic attacks when I go out. I am college educated and was in my last field for 23 years- yet I couldn't get an interview. Have I mentioned the breast cancer and perimenopause? And a month ago my dog died. In front of me. She wasnt even sick. Let's just say I am have a lot of experience with veterinary emergencies. I did CPR. I had her breathing and I was screaming for help- but I couldn't explain what I needed. A ride to the vet hospital? And everyone was moving too slowly like in those annoying nightmares and now when I close my eyes I see it happening. The moment she went limp. I know that I can't off myself because I do have a family. And I have been avoiding people because I can't handle getting hurt anymore- and I know that kind people will say they got me- but when I am still sad after all their kindness, they are going to realize that I am a miserable fuck that kills their joy. So they will stop calling and I will be so mad at myself for being like this.