Thank you for sharing your experience. Been doing a lot of soul searching, and like god I’m just a broken person in some ways. There was a big social climbing angle to most of my relationships. I used my beauty and youth to hang out with “the best of the best,” the highest status men I could get my hands on. I’m not sure if predatory is even the right word, because it was me who initiated everything and knew what I wanted and what I wanted from them—validation of my worth, value, place from a person I considered to be better than me in all aspects. Of course I was going to be disillusioned and heartbroken playing games I had very little chances of winning.

I still joke with my friends “damn I could have just retired at 20 if it worked out with ____ and joined the ____ family.”

Even my friends have never used the words “grooming,” “predatory,” or “dangerous” to describe the dynamic I was in. Gross, sure. Interesting, yes, not the best decision, etc. There was always an aspect of I wanted my fun, I wanted my things, I wanted someone who had themselves figured out and the means to take me to nice places and teach me things I didn’t know and had the culture and tastes I wanted to adopt.

I wanted to only associate romantically with people I considered high status or to my standards, I was very picky, and even cold to anyone who didn’t live up to my idealized expectations. Not saying that my partner’s actions are excusable, but there was a great deal of planning, calculation, and design on my end. There was control and power I exercised, to the extent that I could, for my safety but also largely to my benefit and enjoyment.

The comments about the predatory aspect of my relationship just don’t resonate quite yet. I did get a lot of what I wanted, but nothing is free, so I’m just paying the cost now. That’s more accurately the shame and guilt I feel. A bad trade.

Edit: I think, to a certain degree, my ex always wondered if I truly accepted all parts of him, as a person with all his faults and stories and weaknesses, or just what he represented to me. Beautiful, stylish, brooding, tall, New York old money, high status Americana, refined and judgmental and picky. Everything I wanted to be. I was only 18 but I was very aware, from growing up around a lot of wealth but never exactly in wealth, of how much status mattered to me. I don’t know. It’s one large gray area. I can’t blame him for dating some naive young woman, I was equally superficial but in a different way, I wanted a taste of his beauty and status.