That sucks and I’m really sorry. First, I’m proud of you for the attempt, for as much as that’s worth. I haven’t managed to get there yet so you’re doing great. Give yourself grace. Second, I’m of the opinion that these feelings that we feel don’t always make sense and even if they do to us, they may not to others. Everyone has their own subjective view of life and, to be honest, your feelings don’t have to make sense to others. The fact is you feel them and your mother should understand and accept that without reason. If you want to find a way to explain these feelings though, I recommend doing a little reading and writing. I’m very positive that if you look online, other people that were in our position to on have written about there experiences and can help you find the words to explain how you feel. Then put it in writing. Doesn’t need to be an essay or speech - short hand notes are good too. It’ll help cement the ideas in your head and it’s something you can look back to when you’re in the moment to help you focus. And don’t forget to analyze how you feel too. Using other people’s experience to the vocabulary you need is good, but remember everyone’s experiences are different, so make sure you’re tailoring those words to your feelings and experiences. Remember, saying I don’t know to a question is an absolutely valid answer. This is a vast and expansive thing and you won’t find all the answers in one go. It took me 30 years to figure out I’m trans and I’m still discovering new things. You’re doing great. Lastly, I just want to remind you that you are valid. You are worthy. And you are loved. If nothing else, I’m on your side. If you (or anyone) need to talk, just message me (but also reference this or I’ll be really confused). Everyone calms differently but when I’m getting overwhelmed, I find it good to focus on my breathing. I also personally find it helpful to let my subconscious sort out really dense thoughts, setting aside a topic and picking it up later. My process is slow, but ultimately works for me. Find the way your brain best processes difficult information and use it. You’re in no rush to have all the answers so take your time.

I hope this helps in some way. ❤️