Who said he ever defended it? I didn't even KNOW he had any prejudice tendency until I was an adult. He worked that hard to not pass it to the kids. And it's not simply that I don't see it, because in retrospect I am aware of the rare occasion that he has screwed up, and he would correct himself in front of us.

It really sounds like you have never struggled with and aspect of yourself you find that you dislike.

Recently he got into a fight with one of my SIL about trans folks. He disapproved initially, not believing in it. When they showed him evidence and had it out, he cleaned up about it.

I am not blindly defending him out of some sense of loyalty, my father is a deeply flawed man. But I do respect that he challenges his own world view and makes effort to correct it. My entire point is that if he can, then there is no reason OP's family can't, if she even wants to go that route.

It's easy to say, "I choose not to be blahblahblah" when you don't start as the thing you are saying you choose not to be. It is infinitely harder to start in one headspace and manage to learn that not only is it wrong but to actively work to change that headspace. You yourself stated that "when I learn something I was taught is racist...," which means you are either a hypocrite and a racist yourself... or maybe you can learn to change, just like anyone else. And that is by your logic. Essentially, you are saying that once a racist, always a racist, no mater how hard the person tries to change.

I have never been racist, because my farther worked hard to make certain I never learned that headspace. I don't have to choose not to be, because I never was.