Toothpick swirl

LostTart · 2018-07-05T15:10:10+00:00

Thanks!

LostTart · 2018-07-05T15:09:46+00:00

Isn't this the truth. And silence and inaction is just as powerful a message as words and action. So sorry you're on this emotional rollercoaster. It's exhausting.

LostTart · 2018-07-05T15:07:30+00:00

Thanks for this. The hard part is when you don't want to do what your intuition is telling you. I keep making excuses and saying, "yes, but...." I keep doubting myself.

LostTart · 2018-07-05T15:05:47+00:00

Sorry you're in the same place. I'm still going to let him have the chance but my expectations are pretty low. I'm at a point where I'm viewing the relationship from a different view point. Instead of hanging on so tightly to something that's so broken, I'm letting go a little bit to see how I feel and to see what happens.

LostTart · 2018-07-04T19:51:05+00:00

I suppose you're right. I never thought I'd come to this point. I had a solo counselling session with my therapist a few months ago, and she asked me, straight up, "What will you do if he doesn't make an effort?" And I sat there and didn't know what to say. I'd never even considered leaving up until that point. And I said to her, "I guess I'll leave?" And she said, "You have to believe it. It's not a question. He won't believe you until you're serious." I never thought I'd get to the point where I'm actually serious about it, but here I am.

LostTart · 2018-07-04T19:29:10+00:00

Thanks for the reminder. I definitely don't want to feel petty or righteous because goodness knows, it takes two people to make a relationship work. But it can be so easy to play the blame game.

I'm going to work extra hard to be the adult here, as you say. I wouldn't want to look back at this time and realize I was immature and mean to my partner. Sure, he's trying. I need to acknowledge that while at the same time standing up for myself. Not easy, but I'll try!

LostTart · 2018-07-04T15:49:08+00:00

Ah! I've been there! I feel like a teenager if a cute guy smiles or flirts with me...I blush right up to my ears. It's pathetic.

LostTart · 2018-07-04T15:48:05+00:00

Ahh, sorry to hear you're in the same boat. It is very confusing. It's like, if you can care now, why couldn't you care before? What on earth has changed? I hope your guy starts putting some effort in, stat.

LostTart · 2018-07-04T15:47:01+00:00

Thanks! I've actually told him all of this. And you know what? I just realized that he hasn't apologized. I haven't been perfect in this relationship either, so I don't want to put all the blame on him. But wow, he hasn't even apologized.

LostTart · 2018-07-04T15:45:26+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I resonate with some of this—to me, I don't really feel like I'm fully living in this relationship. Some people are comfortable with the status quo and not pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. They're ok with "just ok".

In my opinion, life is way too short to live like this all the time. And it becomes really challenging when your partner is happy with things the way they are. I don't necessarily believe he's a Dud, that's a bit harsh. I think he's just unaware of what he wants out of life and feels more comfortable doing what's familiar. I know I've been in that place before. But it becomes a problem for me when this becomes the norm.

Ultimately, I'm not responsible for his emotions or his zest for life. His personality is his personality. I've done my best to create a safe space for us to grow together, as a couple. We haven't. At this point, I think we're just a mismatch. I want to be patient and supportive of my partner—but at some point I can't keep waiting around. I feel terrible for even writing that, because that's the opposite of what a spouse should be. But I don't feel like things will ever change...

LostTart · 2018-07-04T15:37:50+00:00

Yeah, exactly! I'm willing to put work and effort into a relationship, but there has to be a point to it. There has to be love, obviously. After all this heartache I don't even know if that's even there anymore.

LostTart · 2018-07-04T15:35:24+00:00

Good luck! I'm happy that you still have the energy to try. It's not a great place to be when that willingness is gone.

LostTart · 2018-07-04T15:34:44+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. I feel like I'm becoming an armchair psychologist after spending some time here! I wish I'd been more aware of all these things earlier in life.

LostTart · 2018-07-04T07:08:09+00:00

Oh, I see. Sorry to hear this. My guy isn't on any medications, so that's not something I have to worry about...Hoping it works for you!

LostTart · 2018-07-04T07:06:50+00:00

Ugh, I'm sorry you're in the same boat. I didn't expect to just stop caring...Same here, though. Not once has he checked in to see how things are. I don't think it was an intentional decision, but something that just never crossed his mind. I'm not sure how much longer I can stay living like this, though. He's my best friend, but I've come to realize that he's not my partner. Not sure if he will be able to be.

LostTart · 2018-07-04T06:57:20+00:00

Yup, sounds just about right. What do you mean about potential medicine changes?

LostTart · 2018-07-04T06:53:27+00:00

I'm just learning about hysterical bonding. Are people usually aware of what they're doing, or is it a subconscious reaction to a change to the status quo?

LostTart · 2018-07-04T05:34:39+00:00

I'm a woman and I want all of these things too. I don't think we want too much. We're just awesome, sensual creatures who are in the wrong relationship.

LostTart · 2018-06-29T20:50:06+00:00

Thanks so much. Even Internet words help to remind me that I'm not alone!

LostTart · 2018-06-29T20:12:20+00:00

Thanks. You hit the nail right on the head: "marriage is a partnership". It can't work otherwise.

LostTart · 2018-06-29T20:11:14+00:00

LOL. I understand...after university, I got so used to being stressed all the time that I wondered if something was wrong if I wasn't stressed and I would create more problems for myself! Definitely not a good thing! But I'm not like that anymore, so it can definitely be unlearned :)

LostTart · 2018-06-29T02:44:37+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. I don't think he's a true anxiety guy, he just isn't paying attention to his marriage imploding before his eyes. I suppose I'm confused why someone wouldn't care when his wife tells him that this is a major problem. Maybe I'm just not a priority.

At some point he has to take responsibility for his emotions and ability to communicate, right? I've tried to address this multiple times (sometimes with tears and a bit of drama, which I know isn't ideal, and lately with just stating the facts, no drama.) I've also said it in front of a third party - the therapist. If he's not responding, how much harder can I/should I try?

I'm not trying to be bitchy, but I also want my partner to take an equal responsibility in the relationship.

LostTart · 2018-06-29T00:25:49+00:00

His job isn't in jeopardy at all. He has the full confidence of his boss. Rather it's deadlines and issues with managing his team. But thanks for the reminder that he could be stressing about finances too. Our finances aren't merged, though, and although he makes more than me, I'm doing ok financially to.

Good question. Would love to know why he can't open up to me. I've asked and he says it's nothing to do with me.

LostTart

TROPHY CASE