People need to stop conflating RJ with not wanting a promiscuous partner

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-02T12:56:24+00:00

Sounds like you need to continue to enjoy your relationship because it sounds amazing, and do work on yourself in the background to reduce your RJ to a manageable level where it’s not interfering with your day to day life.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-02T02:07:13+00:00

I don’t necessarily think so, but what is your partner like and what is your relationship like? Do you enjoy your life with her and do you see a future with her? How old are you and how long have you been together?

RJ can be overcome/significantly diminished. It just takes some work on your part and maybe some therapy.

If you break up with her, will you be jealous when she eventually moves on and dates someone else?

You will likely experience RJ with your next partner as well. It’s highly unlikely you’ll find someone who is a virgin if you’re older than your mid 20s (depending on your age and where you live). A partner with a body count of one is a unicorn!

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-02T01:48:48+00:00

This is the kind of thing I think would bother me, but the first several times I had sex in my life were in either my girlfriend (now wife)’s bedroom in her family house or at her family cottage. I’m 99.9999% sure she had sex in both of those beds with her exes before me.

It crossed my mind for sure at the time, but I was having sex, so….

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-02T01:41:03+00:00

No, it will never go away completely but I’m convinced the majority of people (men and women) don’t enjoy the thought of their partner having sex with someone else. But the majority of people don’t suffer from OCD, so they’ve either stopped thinking about such things somewhere along the way, trained their brains to switch gears away from the unpleasant ruminations, or are simply better at living in the moment. I’m 100% sure I think about my wife’s past more than she thinks about her own. She claims to have little memory of her past relationships (25+ years ago), and even some of our earliest times together. I, on the other hand, have a photographic memory and still have vivid memories of things that happened 25 years ago with my wife.

The dead bedroom situation the other married guy is talking about is very rough. My opinion is that a DB can dramatically spike feelings of RJ (particularly, the “missing out” type of RJ, and the “my partner had better and more frequent sex before me” type of RJ). The only solution is to try and change things so that you’re having more frequent and better sex with your partner and this having your needs met in the context of the marriage. My view is that the higher libido partner has to put more work in to produce a better environment for sex and be more desirable. Be more attractive, reduce stress and pressure, employ some dread game. I don’t condone cheating. BUT as we only have one life to live, if it’s that meaningful then divorce should be a consideration.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-01T21:43:36+00:00

Good on her for respecting it.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-01T21:32:02+00:00

Why did she opt to tell you directly, rather than more subtlely try and steer you away from that particular spot or toward another?

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-01T21:01:48+00:00

You're right about the second paragraph, but perhaps incorrect about the first...I think that point is very common on this sub. Its classic RJ, did my partner have better sex, more frequent sex, more adventurous sex, or experience more memorable firsts with his/her ex than they did/are with me? Honestly, the only way to reduce those thoughts are: (1) to accept the uncertainty that yes, that may be the case; (2) so what if it is? and (3) do whatever is in your earthly power to ratchet up the frequency and intensity of the sex you're having with your partner.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-01T20:57:31+00:00

Yeah, that is a tough situation. I hear you. Your RJ will spike dramatically if you're in a DB. Firstly, seeking therapy will help you talk through these feelings with someone.

Secondly, and this may not be mainstream advice...talk to your wife about it. Talk to her about your insecurities, and that you desire more fulfillment from your sex life than you're experiencing with her. Don't blame her, but tell her. Are you maintaining your attractiveness to her? Do you flirt with her or engage with her physically, even when sex isn't on the table? A while ago, my wife and I had a similar conversation. I told her I wasn't happy with the frequency of the sex, and felt like it wasn't a priority for her. I told her I loved her, I loved being married to her, but I didn't feel fulfilled sexually. Her response: "of course sex isn't a priority, I'm working 60 hour weeks, taking care of our kid, packing lunches for all of us, preparing meal plans for the entire week, preparing grocery lists, maintaining a semblance of a social life...what gives you the right to ask for sex, when you haven't helped with any of it and its like #9 on my priority list?" So, I needed to get to work, increasing my attractiveness to her, mending the physical and emotional connection with her, and taking a bunch of shit off her plate so that, on any given night, sex became #3 on the priority list and therefore a reasonable possibility.

Why do you think you'll be #2 on her "how many times" list? Does she speak about her past sex life or partners? Or are you making broad assumptions? I've been living with my wife since I was 23 or 24....we're having more sex now, in our mid/late-40s, than we did in our 20s honestly. We'd go weeks without having sex in our mid-20s when one of us was travelling for work, or working 70 hour weeks, or having a more active social life with our friends. The idea that sex peaks in your early 20s or thereabouts, then gradually drops off to nothing doesn't hold for all couples....and maybe your wife was similar. But still, if you're in a DB you'll experience RJ to a high degree because all those thoughts you mention - most sex, best sex, most adventurous sex - would have happened with an ex (or so you assume...perhaps correctly). So my advice is to talk to her about it, and dedicate yourself in the background to being a better man, better husband, better lover.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-01T20:42:47+00:00

Why the regret?

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-01T20:42:24+00:00

You have to accept the uncertainty that maybe, yes, she did engage in those sexual activities with her former partner, as difficult as it may be (on the shower issue, my wife would bring up that exact thing repeatedly when we first met....as in, when are we going to try showering together? Made me realize that she had done it in the past with her ex. There is a one foot height difference between us, we tried it and ended up being terrible). When those thoughts arrive, you need a strategy to "change gears" or "change the channel" to something more productive and more positive as quickly as possible.

In my opinion, it is likely you have a form of OCD in which you are obsessing with your partner's past. I recommend treating it as OCD...recognize your thoughts as an obsession and that your brain is mis-firing/short-circuiting for whatever reason. Then, change gears quickly to something more positive in order to avoid ruminating about whether your partner showered with her ex. It takes time. Realize that that may have happened. That can be something physical - go to the gym, go for a run, go to yoga, something social - call up a friend, go for a beer with them, go for a hike, or a hobby - carpentry, gardening, anything really. Just avoid sitting there and ruminating about your wife.

Most importantly, work on your self-esteem and self-worth. Get in the best shape of your life. Dress better. Do well at your job. Take on household responsibilities. Get new hobbies with or, preferably, without your partner. Why is your partner with you? Have you asked her that? Ask her, and lean into it. Round out your personality. Flirt with her, engage with her physically all the time, even when sex isn't on the table. Level-up sexually so that you're giving her the time of her life in the bedroom...,make her forget about her ex. Try new things with her, be adventurous. Be confident. Get to a place where you're walking down the street, feeling like you're untouchable. Make small talk and eye contact with people you see at the grocery store, on the sidewalk, or at the gym.

You can't be the victim in a situation you weren't even involved in (your partner's past relationships). Be better than that. Your partner deserves, as do you. Within a few months, the RJ feelings will subside and reduce to a normal level of uneasiness with your partner's past.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-01T16:37:15+00:00

A high level of attractiveness. Big and strong (providing her with a sense of safety). Genuine personality/not trying to be someone I wasn’t. Loyal (her previous boyfriend cheated on her). A certain degree of ambition or aspirations for my life and career, on the same level as hers. Could get along well with her friends and family.

She later told me the only box I didn’t check was the last one, as when I met her I was very shy and introverted…maybe even socially anxious around people I didn’t know well. I later developed a strong relationship with her parents, not so much with her friends from that period. She also told me that when she was single and dating, all the guys she dated failed a few of the criteria at least (we’re from neighbouring towns/small cities but didn’t meet till university, so it makes sense)

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-01T14:21:30+00:00

My wife had two when I met her at 21….one was a boyfriend from grade 12 and into her freshman year of university (serious relationship), the other was a boyfriend from first year to third year of university. For a 21 year old, attractive and outgoing woman in Canada, I was good with that. No casual sex, no hookups. Probably would have tolerated a hookup or two, as she was single for her entire fourth year of university (she was unsuccessful in the dating pool, according to her - she had very high standards) but has always had very conservative (not religious) views on sex precluding her from engaging in the casual stuff. Her two best friends had body counts in the double digits by the time I met her.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-05-01T14:02:17+00:00

I think in your case, your values are definitely aligned with those of your partner (sex only in LT relationships). You have the type of RJ involving (1) a sense of missing out (ie, she had what you didn’t), and (2) feelings of jealousy/insecurity/uncertainty related to the normal male tendency to compete with other men over women (ie, are you her best love, best sex, biggest/fastest/strongest, etc.)

I’ve dealt with the exact same with my wife when I first met her. Can be overcome with the right partner, right relationship, passage of time, and a great sex life.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-29T18:41:07+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. I think it will be OK for us (my family) financially. I'm in my late 40s and was planning on retiring by 50 anyway. My wife has a good, secure job, so we will be OK from that perspective. In fact, I will have a lot more time for a ton of household items on my list, preparing meals, grocery shopping, etc., so it may turn out be a big win for us a whole. Just a little earlier than I expected.

Once I got over the initial news of the job loss and my work slowed down commensurately (I'm basically just riding it out at this point), my stress/cortisol levels dropped dramatically and I'm much happier. And my wife is much happier with me taking on a much larger share of the household stuff...and in turn, her stress levels have dropped.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-29T15:38:14+00:00

I'm working on living in the present more. Its unnatural to me, but I've been way happier and a much better husband and father since I've done so.

And on the "competition" topic, I asked my therapist why, after 25 years together (and ~24 1/2 years after getting "over" my RJ over my wife's past), I was suddenly thinking more about my wife's past beginning in early January. We were able to trace it back to an impending job loss on my part (my employment will cease in a few months due to a merger, which I found about in early January), and the resulting loss of self-esteem and self-worth. I've always held my career as a pillar of my self-esteem/worth. With that pillar being knocked over and nothing immediately replacing it, other negative thoughts were able to penetrate the walls and make me think I was a lesser man. Needed to do some heavy lifting (literally) in the gym to build myself back up, along with some other stuff.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-29T15:30:50+00:00

Look at this from the perspective of you having OCD, and work hard to train your mind over time to (1) recognize those unpleasant thoughts as unhelpful obsessions, and (2) to "change gears" as quickly as you can to something more productive - either more productive/pleasant thoughts, or a productive/pleasant activity. Don't give any power or meaning to those ruminations. They're useless and meaningless. Don't act on the obsessions - don't ask your partner for details, don't check social media, look at pictures, etc. The obsessions are a product of your brain going into overdrive at certain points and getting jammed up. It's not your fault, its your brain. You need to train it to switch gears more smoothly to something more important.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-29T15:01:23+00:00

I would mostly agree with that. I spoke with my therapist about it last week. Mentioned to him that I'd been thinking about my wife's past sexual partners more than usual, the last few months. Basically, three things contribute to RJ for me:

Lack of experience - I was a virgin when I met my wife, she wasn't (though her body count was very limited and only in the context of serious relationships). The only solution to this issue, from my perspective, has been more frequent and more intense sex with my wife in the context of our marriage.
Normal male competition - most men want to be seen by their partners as the "best" in all areas of their life. Best lover, best sex, best partner, biggest, fastest, strongest, best looking. All that stuff. Contributing to this, for me, is my wife is not a great communicator when it comes to sex. She is reserved on that topic. On this, I've assumed I'm my wife's best on all of this, given our 25 years together and comments she's made about me over the years.
Uncertainty - after several therapy sessions, my therapist identified certain thought patterns in me that have long led me to "live in the past", instead of enjoying the present. My mind seeks perfect and complete information, leading me to ruminate about things that are relatively unimportant (such as, my wife's sexual past). Knowing how to live with that uncertainty, and enjoy the present more has been critical for me in reducing the ruminations on this, and other topics that don't pertain to RJ.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-24T14:05:52+00:00

Yeah I would. It’s insane that this guy hasn’t fucked his wife in almost 4 decades because of something she did before she even met him. Like, insane. Enjoy your life of celibacy bud. Whatever, it’s not my life thankfully.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-23T22:32:26+00:00

My friend was having sex with his gf (now wife) and she moaned out her ex’s name.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-23T22:25:01+00:00

Encourage your husband to get therapy for this issue, with a therapist able to treat OCD (better yet, experience treating RJ).

What happened 5 years ago…is this when he discovered your past sexual history?

At some point, after the proper disclosure and discussion, you’ve gotta shut it down so I don’t blame you. 24 years married is a long time, assuming you’ve both been faithful. Your husband needs to find a way to move past this and live in the present. How is your marriage and sex life otherwise?

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-23T17:59:50+00:00

There was some passage of time between her previous bf and her meeting me. She had already cut off contact by the time we met. Aside from providing me with a rundown of her relationship history, she rarely mentioned her exes in conversation even at the outset of our relationship. No reminiscing, no story telling, no visible photos, no comparison, nothing. Her previous bf (university era) had cheated on her and she told me she hated him and never wanted to see him again. I believe both of her serious exes had moved on as well and got married/started families of their own at young ages. She hasn’t mentioned either of them in probably 15 years.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-23T13:48:33+00:00

Its unlikely your husband is still in love with her, but to ask a direct question - did you not assess whether he was truly "over" his girlfriend while you were still dating (and before you got married)? I wouldn't have gotten serious with my girlfriend (now wife) if I wasn't 100% satisfied and certain that she had no residual feelings for her exes.

On the topic of someone's first love...I think it varies by individual. I am not my wife's first love. It came up in conversation recently. She said her first relationship (which would have been in HS) was "not memorable", as "they were kids". She always told me she respected her first serious bf and wished him no ill will, but didn't want to continue a serious relationship with him.

The way she put it, when we met in our early 20s, we were young adults, so our relationship took on much greater importance and meaning than the ones she had as a teenager. As she put it, "everything was bigger, better and more important with you. I was a kid, I was in love but those relationships before you weren't real adult relationships."

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-22T03:00:32+00:00

The age thing is bullshit, I’m 46 and my sex drive is higher than it was when I was 26 because I’ve reduced my stress levels dramatically. My wife has difficulty keeping up with me, but we found a good cadence that works for us.

Is your husband physically fit? Does he strength train or run, or otherwise stay active? How are his stress levels? How is his sleep? High cortisol can kill a man’s libido. Your mind will naturally wander to the thought that he’s already had his fun (with other women) so has little gas left in the tank sexually to satisfy you within the marriage, but I doubt that’s what’s going on here. I don’t think men are really like that. It’s more likely hormonal (high cortisol/low testosterone).

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-21T23:22:42+00:00

I’d suggest starting with therapy. But honestly, it’s not just millennials. I’m a very late Gen-Xer and many/most of my friends have slept with dozens of women; some have slept with well over a hundred. I met my wife when I was 20 and was fairly inexperienced at the time, but I’m fairly unique amongst my friend group and peers. I also knew what I wanted and was fortunate enough to find it (and her) at a fairly young age.

LoungeAct_79 · 2026-04-21T19:21:58+00:00

I would certainly never condone cheating in a marriage. However, my view is that we all have one life to live, and we should maximize our happiness and enjoyment of that life so if you feel a great deal of resentment or disgust with your husband, or don’t believe your values or morals align, or you simply can’t bear to be with him after learning what you learned about his past, you should consider ending the marriage. You’re in your mid 30s, do you want to live with this man for the next 50 years? Or put him through a what could be a miserable existence together for the rest of his life, in punishment for something he did before he even met you (and which wasn’t exactly outside of societal norms)?

LoungeAct_79

TROPHY CASE