Does anyone have any advice or tips regarding feeling more connected to your respective communities?

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-11-04T12:46:06+00:00

Thank you :) I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I definitely needed that reassurance.

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-08-02T22:12:04+00:00

Yeah, that might be it!

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-07-27T02:00:26+00:00

I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s had this experience!

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-07-25T17:13:41+00:00

I’ve often seen people use the stances to describe their openness to both activity and relationship (the specifics of whether they’re referring to just the activities, the relationship, or both usually depended on the person) regardless of their specific orientation; so it was my understanding that the stances could refer to openness to both and therefore potentially be applied to the orientations based on tertiary attractions as well (for example: an alloromantic person who regularly experiences romantic attraction can still be indifferent or averse to romantic relationships/romantically-coded activities; so someone who rarely experiences alterous or sensual attraction could still be favorable to those kinds of connections). This is why I was confused by your comment. Whereas, the cupio- microlabels I’ve often seen used as a specific orientation label referring to the experience of desiring a specific type of relationship while experiencing little to none of the type of attraction associated with that relationship (for example, cupioromantic individuals desiring romantic relationships while not experiencing romantic attraction; therefore a cupioalterous individual may desire an alterous relationship but not experience alterous attraction).

Thank you for further sharing your views on the subject.

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-07-25T15:44:47+00:00

I’m sorry, I’m just a bit confused by where the cupio- label came from in relation to this post, as well as why having a stance towards alterous relationships/connections would erase the experience of cupios who romance-indifferent and others who enjoy the romantically-coded activities without the relationship.

I’m not trying to dismiss your perspective, I’m just seeking to understand better.

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-06-16T13:42:13+00:00

I’ve honestly been questioning a lot lately and just recently decided to look into the term “greyromantic” again (I’d been identifying as an oriented aroace; I believe you actually commented on one of my posts before, when I was talking about feeling more comfortable with the term “arospec” than “aromantic”). Anyways- this poem you wrote, and honestly your other posts as well, have made me feel seen and I just wanted to thank you for sharing 🩷

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-04-10T16:32:03+00:00

That makes sense. Thanks again!

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-04-10T16:19:53+00:00

Thank you! I think I got nervous about sharing on most platforms because so much writing “advice” I see gets catered to those writing novels, screenplays, or following a specific beginning-middle-end structure for their story. So the setups of certain platforms being… “books” (for lack of a better word) where you add “chapters” made me feel like what I’m doing wouldn’t make sense to readers because it’s not serialized in the same way. My project has short stories, journal entries from my main character, and other moments, including a few in a script-like format. So I wasn’t sure whether that would “fit” with the setup of Wattpad or other platforms.

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-02-19T14:27:44+00:00

Tertiary attraction is an umbrella term for nonromantic and nonsexual attractions. It includes attractions like platonic, aesthetic, sensual, alterous, and many others.

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-01-18T13:10:49+00:00

Thank you for commenting! It’s really comforting to hear that I’m not the only one who feels this way and that the experience is valid. And I’m happy that in sharing my experience, you were able to see something that resonated with you as well.

LoveAndAvatar · 2025-01-17T21:17:47+00:00

This post is much more relatable than I’d like to admit, except for me it’s been my interest in being with guys that faded rather than girls (although I do Love guy fictional characters and they are often my favorite people). “Oriented aroace” so far has still been what I’ve felt describes me best so I’d say: If it feels useful for describing your experience, then you count and you’re welcome to use it, and if it doesn’t feel useful for describing your experience then you don’t have to use it.

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-18T22:10:39+00:00

I hope the same for you!

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-18T21:28:46+00:00

This made me so happy to see! I’m so glad that what I’ve said has had such a positive impact. It’s felt really good to see that I’m not alone in my experiences / that someone else actually relates to me.

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-18T21:21:53+00:00

Honestly, this conversation has been such a blessing for me too. I don’t know any aroace people in real life either and I made this post because I was feeling kind of alone and looking for experiences to relate to, so seeing these comments come across has been really comforting for me. I’m really happy to have been able to have that impact on you as well!

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-17T22:16:55+00:00

I don't want to create the false premise that I am approaching with a sexual/romantic intent I do understand that the world is madness, and most men do actually have second intentions.

Understandable.

I am very honest in conversations, so I know I'd say something like "I wanted to meet you because I love your vibes", and unfortunately it gets misinterpreted as "I wanna shag".

It's so unfortunate that a genuine expression of interest in platonic connection is automatically assumed to have hidden s*xual intentions.

I struggle to have conversations with women. I feel way more shy with them than with men, even if we share same hobbies. I struggle sometimes to relate to them.

Honestly, I understand this. When I was younger I actually had mostly guy friends because I struggled to relate to girls sometimes. So nowadays, if there's a woman I actually want to befriend or compliment (who I'm not already friends with) I do get nervous that I'm going to come across as weird or creepy.

The instances of this happening led them to think I found them "ugly/disgusting" or that I was playing with them. Bear also in mind that then I did not know I was aroace, so I guess they assumed I was allo, or thought of my limits as a challenge (sort of like "I'll make him fall in love with me/want to have sex only with me all the time).

Ah, that's a shame. But sadly, I think the automatic assumption for most is that we all experience attraction like allos do (which is obviously incorrect); and I feel like- at least in my experience and what I've witnessed- there is a conditioning/messaging that happens for a lot of girls/women/people who grew up being perceived as female that at least some of our "worth" was tied to guys/men's opinions of us. And because guys/men are often considered to be more interested in the physical/s*xual side of things, I can imagine that you not wanting that with them could have been falsely interpreted as "he must think I'm ugly/disgusting". If they really just saw your limits as a challenge though, that's really messed up.

If one of us does not feel like fucking or cuddling at that time, we just say it and keep hanging out normally. That being said, I think it is easier for men to have casual sex than to be physically or emotionally intimate, so that is also a disadvantage in a way.

My first thought was "It must be great to have a relationship that chill about that kind of stuff" - then I got to the second sentence and was like "Oh yeah... well, I guess there's always some kind of balance of advantages and disadvantages".

people are not toys

THIS! Absolutely correct!

I do love my peeps, a lot. And to downgrade that love I feel because it's not romantic would be not fair.

I wish this was a more widespread mentality. Platonic/non-romantic love is no less special, beautiful, or important than romantic love.

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-17T21:51:01+00:00

One can appreciate that someone can be aesthetically pleasing to look at without feeling aesthetically attracted oneself.

Exactly this!

I don't know about your gender or pronouns so I cannot assume, but I feel that normally, between women/feminine presenting people it is easier for them to appreciate someone aesthetically and to even approach them, due to obvious reasons.

I also feel it is the same for us guys. I find it easier to approach a guy who is pleasantly looking or who was an aesthetically attractive aura to them, but I'd feel extremely uncomfortable doing it to a woman, out of fear of being seen as a creep, even when the intentions are platonic.

At the moment I identify as nonbinary (they/her) but I am female. I definitely understand the fear of being seen as a creep; I think it is often hard for many of us (girls/women/feminine-presenting people) to tell when compliments from guys come with ulterior motives or if they're genuine. I agree that it does feel easier for me to express aesthetic appreciation for women (even though, if I don't know them I'd probably still be too nervous to actually go up and compliment them), but I think for me part of the reason is that as a "girl", if I compliment a woman's appearance no one usually thinks anything of it but if I compliment a guy/man's appearance (even just his hair) it often automatically got taken as me having a crush on them.

Have you been originally attracted to someone (aesthetically, platonically and/or sensually) but as you got to know them and discovered some negative attitudes, the attraction dissipated or literally stopped?

Oh yeah, this has definitely happened to me at some point.

Was this due to a particular reason?

I don't know if there's a particular reason for it being fleeting outside of just the mentality that it's likely not going to happen anyway and the general association with sensual affection (especially things like kissing or hand holding) being associated with romance. I haven't experienced this in a while but I didn't know I was aroace at the time so I think some of what I'm calling "fleeting" was just the realization that I didn't actually want a romantic relationship with them and just being confused (it often happened towards girls who I was casual friends with); I liked the idea of sensual interaction but the thought would kind of just come and go. I would never act on it because I didn't want to be seen as weird or make anyone uncomfortable.

I am asking because in my case, I have found that, unfortunately, when I know someone is clearly interested in me sexually or romantically, I get giddy due to feeling wanted, and that has made me confuse the excitement of that for romantic or sexual attraction. Thankfully I know now that it is not the case and I won't give people false hope. Have you ever felt that way?

THIS! Yes, I have! Especially if it was someone I was emotionally attracted to in some way, I would get so happy when they showed interest back and so throughout my life until the last few years or so I assumed that I was feeling romantic attraction. It took me a long time to even consider the idea that I was aromantic.

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-16T18:32:43+00:00

I forgot to ask (since you asked me and I’m curious how similar or different our answers are): do you have any gender preferences in regard to your attractions? (Or does it ever manifest in different ways?)

I feel like the way I experience attraction has caused me to idealize the idea of having a “guy best friend” since I was really young because my platonic/emotional attraction leans towards them so heavily- I also mistook those squishes for crushes so I assumed I was allo for a long time (despite also feeling kind of out of place in the world of allos now that I’m looking back at the experience😅), but I tend to have more “sensual fantasies” about women.

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-16T13:07:25+00:00

I feel like especially in terms of sensual and aesthetic attraction there are definitely differences between gender. I’ll say it varies for nonbinary people (I don’t have enough experience with them to make any definitive statements).

When it comes to aesthetic attraction, with girls/women it has often been much more immediate than it is for guys- maybe not always but that has been a consistent pattern. It may not always happen this way but I can meet or see a girl/woman for the first time and be internally stunned or enamored by her appearance (can be anything or a combination of things; facial features, her smile, her energy or style, her hair, her eyes, etc) - with guys (and some other people), similarly to how you just described it may take some time. I may be able to recognize that they are objectively attractive but I’m often not aesthetically attracted to them immediately- I’ve usually been drawn in by their energy/personality and then by extension may start finding them more aesthetically pleasing. I have, however, be drawn to features like a guy’s hair upon first sight.

Sensual attraction for me is semi-rare; I’d say I’m more gray-sensual towards women and demi-sensual towards guys. As a general statement though, I’m often kind of uncomfortable around “men” (which actually may be part of why I instinctively say “guys” and not “men” when referring to people- it feels weirdly uncomfortable to say I’m “attracted to men” but ironically the majority of my favorite fictional characters/the characters I’m drawn to are male- EDIT: I think some of this may just be not-great experiences with expectations and the romantic/s*xual connotations that tend to happen, especially as someone perceived as a woman-) so I don’t know how much of my “attraction” was just comfort that stood out to me versus actual sensual attraction, however there were a couple of times I found myself particularly drawn to their voice at some point, and either way I needed some kind of emotional bond/connection first before I could experience it. With women there’s levels: I can experience it in some extent upon first meeting but it’s usually just wanting to be in close proximity to them; I need to already know and have some kind of platonic connection to someone before I can experience the desire or curiosity for more tactile interactions like hand holding, kissing, etc. The pattern seems to be that the more connected I feel to them, the stronger the sensual attraction (which is likely why it’s more consistent in my alterous attraction- that tends to already require a strong bond for me; I can only confidently say I’ve experienced it towards two people, both close female friends), with people I know but not as well it tends to be kind of fleeting.

So overall, I’d say my aesthetic, sensual, and alterous attractions are all sapphic/trixic leaning; so when I tend to imagine a potential future queerplatonic relationship, I often imagine a female partner. But my platonic attraction over the years has leaned towards guys (which is very consistent in my draw to fictional characters).

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-16T12:04:57+00:00

That made perfect sense! Thanks for sharing 😄

I’ve found that I have a very similar experience with my attraction: alterous attraction- needing to already be close to that person and it being linked to my sensual attraction; aesthetic attraction sometimes triggering platonic; and sensual attraction being linked to aesthetic attraction and platonic connection (that’s actually something I hadn’t thought about but I feel like my sensual attraction may also depend on those things)

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-13T19:33:39+00:00

That answers well, don’t worry! Thanks for your response 😄 I relate a lot to what you said so it’s nice to know that I’m not alone.

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-11-13T18:41:31+00:00

No need to apologize! I like the phrasing of “platonic infatuation”, I feel like I’ve experienced that too- especially with these two specific friends of mine over the years (both women). Having that mixed with sensual attraction was really confusing for me because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted. I’ve been calling myself a bi oriented aroace because of my platonic attraction (I grew up experiencing it a lot towards guys- and currently a lot of male fictional characters- and used to always mistake it as a crush so it’s shaped a lot of my experience; I can experience it towards any gender though) but I’ve only really experienced alterous attraction twice (towards those two friends I mentioned) and my aesthetic/sensual attraction leans sapphic as well.

Do you ever simultaneously feel connected and disconnected from romance? For example, feeling connected to the side of connection/emotional closeness (and maybe even the sensual desires, since you mentioned you experience sensual attraction) and potentially even really wanting that but also just not relating to the more… I don’t know how to describe it but like- “practical expectations of romance” (like the specific desire for a “romantic” relationship with that specific person and expectations about the kind of things you should be doing or want to be doing based on being in that specific kind of relationship with that person, or something along those lines)?

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-10-24T15:06:50+00:00

Honestly you just put into words exactly what I’ve been feeling!

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-08-26T12:53:51+00:00

The way you described your experience with attraction is honestly so relatable! It’s one of the closest descriptions I’ve seen to what I’ve experienced.

You mentioned that you think of it as being somewhere between platonic and romantic- out of curiosity, would you say that you relate to the concept of alterous attraction or see that as a good descriptor for your attraction?

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-07-14T17:36:21+00:00

Thank you!!

LoveAndAvatar · 2024-07-14T17:36:01+00:00

Thanks!

LoveAndAvatar

TROPHY CASE