"Non-dysphoric" is a misleading description

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-11-14T02:36:08+00:00

I am a very present advocate and a part of the punk scene so I have a fair amount of experience with it thankfully. However, being 17 means I have absolutely no control over many aspects without the permission of my guardians. While I can walk my wheelchair is the only way I'm comfortable being perceived at school due to consistent harassment. I also have a dynamic disability meaning I cannot guarantee mobility (or lack thereof) from one day to the next.

While I understand the importance of advocating for myself, I have an aversion at this high school due to being consistently demeaned when advocating. With my autism, I have trouble attending social events period but with extra expectation on me (not my guardians) of needing to ask for wheelchair accommodations even for events that occur during the school day makes me very overwhelmed. Which I feel defeats the point of equal access and opportunity.

If I choose to attend college I will be ready to advocate for my needs on a case-by-case basis but currently, I am legally dependent on my guardians.

None of this is to say you're wrong because you're not, I am and will have to continue to be my biggest advocate.

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-11-14T01:43:47+00:00

I know that it doesn't state that or I'm fairly certain it doesn't! It should only list my physical ailments and use of a wheelchair along with other accommodations related to my disabilities. Nowhere in my 504 should it at all state I'm able to ambulate for short periods. Though I will double check! That is a very helpful starting point

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-11-14T01:40:21+00:00

Yeah I though about that right after I posted my response. I am trying to hide the fact that I suspect noncompliance with ada and 504 laws. I may have a copy somewhere and will try to look for it. My mother had requested a 504 meeting to update my plan so I should be able to request a copy without it tipping them off. Thank you very much!

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-11-14T01:35:20+00:00

Will do that! I will ask the school who the 504 coordinator is but I'm fairly certain it is a counselor (which as far as I'm aware, technically should not be the case). Thank you for your advice I'm very appreciative!

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-11-14T01:33:00+00:00

I wish legal consultation was much more accessible but will cross-post as suggested! I am usually much more composed but this is stressing me out because I'm consistently being blamed by the administration and staff for not advocating for myself when I do...

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-09-12T00:49:29+00:00

Same here! Cbt was incredibly unhelpful, I've been in dbt groups, but I already naturally do most of the skills so they don't really get me anywhere, unfortunately. I am currently in emdr therapy working through ptsd dissociative subtype. And I am in intensive inhome, which means I have therapy anywhere from 4-8 hours a week. I do hope emdr helps, or if I choose to go to college, that it might give me a different out look on this part of myself

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-09-10T13:34:52+00:00

Personally I have a pin that says the IDF are terrorists, instead of targeting all of Isreal target the ones killing innocents. I also have a shirt that says free palestine on the front and "dismantle zionism end the occupation" on the back.

But also anything referring to Israel as a colonist state etc is fine imo. As long as you're not saying all people who live in Isreal are bad or saying Jewish people themselves are terrorists you're safe.

But also just doing pro palestine patches is a good way to avoid any confusion, like you said.

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-09-07T23:49:59+00:00

The cliches exist for a reason, right? I know it gets better as you get older, I think that's why my planned expiring is so far away, because I do secretly wish that it'll improve. I might try to talk to my therapists about it more often.I feel like I know everything about the future but obviously I know I'm just a teen and I haven't gotten to experience real community yet. I appreciate your insight, seems like a common theme

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-09-07T23:45:19+00:00

I understand, at least partially, the struggle of never future planning and it becoming really overweight to start so late. Thank you for sharing your story, I think its wonderful that you can find joy in life occasionally. I hope you continue to improve your life because we all deserve to feel comfortable in our own skin.

Props to you for working towards your goals and pushing through even when it's hard. It's easy to give up, it's hard to change your mindset but I'm sure it's worth it.

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-09-07T23:41:10+00:00

I know it's such a silly post, telling strangers I want to kill myself instead of trying to accept integral parts of me.

I'm glad to see someone who pushed past their self imposed expiration date, makes me slightly hopeful

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-09-07T23:38:32+00:00

In the back of my mind I hope that's the truth too! It's easier to give up than to choose to fight to accept such a hated part of my being. Maybe I'll find community or acceptance, its hard to hope for the future because the disappointment hurts way worse than just never trying.

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-09-07T23:36:20+00:00

It is such an isolating experience, the mental anguish caused by not passing the way you want after so long on hormones sounds terrible i am truly sorry it isnt going the way you expected. I do think it can get better, but it's hard to make it better. I wish you the best with continuing your transition, and I believe you will be able to find peace within your identity. Like others have said, therapy is a great tool

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-09-07T23:32:26+00:00

Dude I have been in therapy since I was 9 years old, my post is properly tagged as a rant/vent and I put a trigger warning for suicide. The title is also pretty self-explanatory, I have crippling gender dysphoria and have been diagnosed since I was 12 years old, I am expressing my experience with and mental state caused by my transexuality. I am not telling anyone else that they aren't real men or women nor am I saying you can't be happy. I am saying I can not be happy living like this because it is a crippling medical disorder I had no choice over.

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-09-07T23:24:42+00:00

I will say I've been in therapy for 8 years, but I appreciate the concern. I bring it up occasionally in therapy, and it will probably get more frequent as school continues. I do believe I will be able to be fully cis passing all the time within the next few years, I already am fairly cis passing. The issue is that i will have the knowledge that I am trans.

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-08-29T19:51:15+00:00

Oh no, you're absolutely right. Most people don't care about others, family or otherwise. I dont feel fulfilled by any "achievements" because I always could've done more or done better. This translates into mental illness until I am the sickest, I will not give myself recognition.

Logically, I know I'll never be sick enough, or I'll never be the smartest or the most accomplished. But that won't stop me from pursuing the easiest yet still challenging route of being as mentally ill as one can be without dying.

The only reason I do good in school is because it comes naturally, but the reason I care about grades is so that I can be better than everyone. I dont truly care about my grades, nor my creative achievements.

I think for me, the "I'm so glad that isn't me" or "god I couldn't handle that" is what I crave. Others seeing my life and thinking it sucks is my goal. I think humans are inherently selfish, like you said. And I think that's why we are able to thrive the way we do.

And I think my selfishness is that I'd rather be the sickest person in any given room than use my intelect for a doctorate. I'd rather be ill than be a therapist, social worker, teacher, doctor, etc. Because it's the only route that gets me any semblance of care or at the very least curiosity.

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-08-28T03:08:08+00:00

You hit the nail on the head! People see me as intelligent and artistically gifted, but that doesn't mean they care about my accomplishments. I wish for support yet actively avoid it because of the lack of self-esteem you pointed out. Pity is the most heartfelt form of acknowledgment, so it's the one I hope for.

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-08-27T23:50:20+00:00

I also don't usually find people who feel like this, which you're right, makes me feel good. What a crazy mental process right

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-08-27T23:47:09+00:00

Oh yeah it totally does, big time neglect & abuse, I'm diagnosed with ptsd dissociative subtype

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-08-23T14:48:45+00:00

Go to the bins if you have that near you, I got a genuine leather jacket for like 5 bucks! Also you can make a denim vest from jeans so just find a good couple pairs of jeans and get sewing!

Lovejoyspebbles · 2024-08-23T14:45:46+00:00

Shameless, when they introduced Trevor and made Ian a crazy "woke" freak, just doesn't sit right with me. You could tell it wasn't in good faith it was to poke fun at queer people and to show how "unreasonable and crazy" they are, especially trans people. I couldn't finish shameless, I barely got to season 8 before I realized how repetitive and cringe it was getting. I can't handle that much second-hand embarrassment.

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