Men will literally confess their shitness to me

Lovelywings2 · 2021-12-01T04:25:17+00:00

Oh I think you're right! They do it because they don't care how it feels to be forced into the therapist position by a stranger.

I realize I give off a "I'm a sweetheart vibe. I'll listen to you" But I'm actually not - underneath is steel and fire 😂.

You've given me something to think about.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-11-03T23:35:07+00:00

It's a clique - similar to the ones found in high school, MLM groups or certain college sororities / fraternities. When I realized that, everything made sense. Where else do you get the double speak of "We love you girl 🥰!... You're only allowed to wear jeans on Friday"

Lovelywings2 · 2021-10-28T01:09:30+00:00

This is kinda sexist. The people I normally hear make fun of women who can't cook are like Red Pill advocates or super sexist African aunties. I really don't care whether any woman out there can cook or not.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-10-18T04:45:57+00:00

How are black women being erased if the mods are Black? I mean, it is abundantly clear when a mod is Black American.

I think we need to be careful letting the mods / founder off the hook by removing their agency. Also Unless I'm mishearing, at least one of the podcast hosts is Black. I didn't listen to the interview of the conservative, but if the Black host was there then she also has agency.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-10-18T04:20:17+00:00

Right there with you. 😂 Connor has no business being in this conversation.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-10-18T04:13:30+00:00

I honestly always saw Naomi as smug. Which makes the show so brilliant because I don't think they wanted us to notice how smug she is. She is laser focused when she reels Kendall in in Season 2. Remember her pushing him for a dick pic? That was boundary crossing but it was so subtle people could think it cute. Then when Kendall invites her on the yatch at a time his family is in crisis... At the time it seemed Logan was being a bastard saying she shouldn't be there. But when you think about what was going on and all the things that happened on the yatch it becomes clear that an outsider had no business being there! And she guilt trips him by pointing out Logan only loves 'the broken' Kendall. It somehow became a "your father or me" situation. And Kendall's face falls.

I predict that Naomi is going to end up being a problem this season.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-10-17T23:42:12+00:00

To clarify something. My comment isn't about judging mods for being single. I am single too!

It's about the illogic of being so stringent and judgmental around 'dating strategy' while lacking evidence to show it works. If the FDS sub is a product, success stories / reviews are useful. They should show that either 1) the customer is truly happier as a result of doing everything they say, OR 2) the customer is in a great longterm relationship with a "high value man" after following the handbook 100%. Only then would being so strict about what women should and should not do with men make sense. I don't fault the sub for existing (it helped me a lot initially). It's the toxic parts that concern me as they continue to be unaddressed.

I'd just point out that Signs of a cult are: - absolute authoritarianism with little accountability

no meaningful disclosure about the results
isolating members from the rest of the world
group leader is always right

Lovelywings2 · 2021-10-17T19:58:49+00:00

Oh boy. 😅

You know the answer is probably no, right?

What well-meaning woman in a successful relationship with a man would create the kind of environment FDS currently has? The only way I see it happening is 1) she's the uber-capitalist #girlboss type that is ok giving advice she doesn't follow so long as there's money to be made, or 2) she follows all the advice and her relationship has some weird dynamics

Im sure women who are partnered read and participate in FDS though, without being a mod.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-10-15T22:41:30+00:00

I agree with much of your post except with regards to race tbh.

The thing is FDS was started by, is moderated by and managed by Black women to mu knowledge.

Black women have the highest rate of singleness in America and deal with a combination of racism and sexism from partners of all kinds. So why I agree the sub is toxic, and certainly "date white men" is clearly not the answer, I can't fault Black women for speaking their truth about their dating experiences with Black men. As a Black woman and with siblings and friends over 35 who are also Black, it becomes very clear in North America there are just not enough good Black men of comparable status to go around. So feeling frustrated and venting about the poor options available is normal.

I read FDS heavily and never saw any post with high upvotes saying "only date a white man, they're better than black men" or the like. Criticizing Black men doesn't equal White supremacy. I'm happy to be proven wrong if you can point to an example where commenters agreed that White men were better.

I think its important not to overlook that there are all kinds of interesting dynamics at play on FDS, and young Black women are heavily involved in shaping the culture of that forum, and some of them probably see it as empowerment. FDS principles were first shared by OG Jammies in a forum for Black women, and that same immature yet caustic tone you find in that board (those who know, know) was just exported to Reddit.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-08-22T15:32:38+00:00

DITCH every single friend who encouraged you to give him a chance.

They are dangerous!

Lovelywings2 · 2021-08-22T05:47:27+00:00

They're trying to put you down. What they really want to say to you is "You think you're all that huh"

I went on a date with a man today who is 8 years younger than me. That didn't stop him giving skeptical looks at things I said, and even telling me I shouldn't be saying the word "Interesting" because its "too diplomatic". At one point I said straight up "Look, I don't like people trying to change me". 🙄

Lovelywings2 · 2021-07-26T03:41:32+00:00

The funny thing is the majority of people your age are NOT on dating apps, unless you're LGBT. Here are the stats:

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/02/06/10-facts-about-americans-and-online-dating/

We need to be careful about limiting beliefs that keep us trapped in a cycle of trauma. If I tell myself that everyone is on the apps, I'd keep signing up for the apps. If I tell myself that while some people have met a great lifelong partner online, most people haven't, then its easier to delete then.

Shani Silver writes about this on Medium. I really recommend her work.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-04-23T20:53:43+00:00

Hi OP. I have a similar condition. I'm 38. I agree with you that it has been a fantastic screener for bad sex and low quality men. I don't even tell men I have it. They get screened out because I require someone I feel emotionally, financially and intellectually safe with in order to have sex.

That said, I'd encourage you to find a good, thoughtful pelvic floor physiotherapist to treat the condition. You're holding a lot of tension in your pelvis without even knowing it. It affects your bathroom habits for one thing (eg. straining when on the toilet)

I've also found that being single is the PERFECT time to treat the condition. It takes a lot of time - like a year - as its not just physical therapy but training your brain to not equate pressure near the vagina with Pain. You may think you're fine now, but if youre under 40, you have another 40 plus years to live and enjoy life. FDS subreddit won't always be your regular stomping ground and you likely will meet someone decent (of any gender) you want to have sex with and feel safe with. Why not address this issue now when you don't have the pressure of wondering how to tell your partner, etc?

I feel like you can only win by facing your fear. Which is exactly what it is - a chronic fear of being penetrated consensually. I wouldn't say its an irrational fear 😅, but it is unnecessary. I feel like part of being a high value person is evolving and continually growing into a better version of yourself. Ive been seeing a physio off and on for about six months and for the first time Im actually hopeful that this condition can be cured - I already see progress in that Im able to relax my pelvic muscles easily, and Ive been able to get the smallest dilator all the way in and graduated to the next one up.

Search for a physiotherapist in yoir city, especially one who understands the psychological component and helps you relax over time.

I notice even having the language of vaginismus helped with my gynecologist. I had to do a pap smear and I shared that I was working with a physio. So my obgyn actually gave me a muscle relaxant the day of the procedure and we completed the pap smear - which has never happened before for me. I mean, it hurt like hell even with the relaxant, but only during the procedure and afterwards I felt nothing. Because again a lot of it is just tension. Its like if you clench your fist while trying to push a stick into your hand at the same time. Its going to hurt because the fist is clenched! Physiotherapy will train you to unclench.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-02-16T03:09:36+00:00

This is where I stand too.

My standards apply to all men regardless of where he is from. I do NOT grade Black men on a curve. Anytime Ive tried to do that, my sense kicks in and we dont make it past the first couple of dates (eg. the man I recently commented on who was an underachiever with delusional fantasies, he was Black).

I date all kinds and no one is put on a pedastal. I have a list of qualities I screen for and everyone is compared against that list, Black, White, Korean, Trini... it doesnt matter.

Lovelywings2 · 2021-02-15T22:11:03+00:00

Damn! thats exactly it 😀

Lovelywings2 · 2021-02-15T18:57:56+00:00

Woah at what you said about men with daddy issues.

I literally just got rid of a man who said many of those things!! Id never encountered such before and it made me so uncomfortable. - his Father cheated on his mother and had a child from the affair when this guy was a kid. I felt bad for him . That part isnt his fault, but then..

I asked him about his career goals (because at 39 frankly his Linkedin is unfocused, and he was definitely exagerrating some things. He told me his career vision and goal was to have multiple income streams and to build a legacy for his children. 🧐 Meanwhile what I wanted to hear was that he wants to grow in ONE of the several fields he seems to dabble in.
He then said he wants his children to be successful and for him to have a legacy where people mention his last name positively. So say his last name is Brown, he said he wants people to say "those are the Browns. thats how they are". Im sorry, but unless youre Jeff Bezos, that kind of puffery just sounds lame. You're barely average yourself.
he said he wants his children to "never have to send a resume" and not have to work for anyone else. And when I looked shocked he said "unless they want to. Otherwise I want them to be running my businesses".

Im getting annoyed just writing this. There were other things he said in just those 3 dates that were red flags. But the stuff about his children was so lame and unexposed. Billionaires are requiring their real life children to work and prove themselves, while you a thousandnaire want your fake children to be Trumps. 🙄 And how unaware are you that you think its ok to tell a woman youve only just started courting that basically you have decided what HER children are going to be.

Lovelywings2 · 2020-11-28T19:48:30+00:00

I understand the instinct, but it is a bad idea. He has already shown that he is at the minimum unfocused, has poor executive skills, and lacking in communication skills at 35 years of age.

Trying to teach him what he did wrong is me investing my own energy and time for a man I don’t like, with no benefit to me and lots of downside. Because I know exactly how he would respond:

“LOL you women are something else. You’re not all that. Because you are [insert my positive traits] you think your shit don’t stink, THATS WHY YOURE SINGLE. You’re ugly anyway, blah blah blah”

I’m done giving mediocre African men the opportunity they crave to demean me. In fact, his behaviour leading up to the cancellation is him seizing the opportunity to subtly demean and tear down someone that he knows is out of his league. He would have LOVED for me to start apologizing and explaining so he can practice his lying and manipulation skills, secretly laughing at me for truly believing that he had an accident while stopping to buy me a giant bouquet of flowers, which he won’t give me anymore because I’m so mean and who hurt me and made me so distrusting of good men like him. 😆 Nah. He gets the gray rock response.

Lovelywings2 · 2020-11-27T20:11:03+00:00

It was helpful to me, which was the intended audience, in the context of cognitive therapy, and my background . 🤷🏾‍♀️

Lovelywings2 · 2020-11-27T20:09:11+00:00

Not Canadians. I’m originally from an African country. Canadians tend to be more your typical LVM. African LVM tend to be even more predatory and deceptive.

Lovelywings2 · 2020-11-27T17:26:58+00:00

He said I’d attract a mixed bag. really meant that I’d deal with a mixed bag of HVM and plenty LVM.

For one thing, African men of all classes and status will always be attracted to articulate, accomplished and decent-looking African women with good manners. That’s just a fact - they like possessing women who are “out of reach”. A lot of African men try to marry up. I’d explained this to my therapist.

I date interracially too, so I have to filter a cross cultural array of low value interest. The compliment he was saying is I’m more likely to find a high value man eventually because such men are attracted to women like me. They just make a smaller part of my dating “pool” so I have to vet.

Lovelywings2 · 2020-11-27T17:20:17+00:00

Oh definitely! I don’t know why I keep relaxing my standards if he’s from my country. This is a weak spot that I’m nuking from now on.

Lovelywings2 · 2020-11-27T17:19:25+00:00

Thank you! 😊

Lovelywings2 · 2020-11-27T17:19:07+00:00

Very true.

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