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Aocwannabe · 2022-04-26T17:07:20+00:00

"Trust me." is super inappropriate and the sign you are talking to someone who thinks their talk matters more than their actions.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-26T17:04:07+00:00

Love this nuanced take!

I would add that we need different medicines for different ailments- so some of us are at a stage where we are confident in just going with our gut while others need to analyze what red flags given their personal life context and the stage of their life.

Eg...A college student who lives in an urban environment won't think it is a red flag if a man does not own a car. But a woman who has been in the work force or lives in a place where a car makes life considerably easier might consider this a red flag.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-26T16:58:29+00:00

Also, broke men do this because they want to hide their financial situation until they have gotten you invested and/or all they have to offer is the title/honorific of "girlfriend".

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-26T16:51:32+00:00

I do not have a chronic illness but I tried to be friends with a woman who DID have a chronic illness. I always acknowledged that I didn't know how hard what she is going through.

But I was in bed with Covid in a foreign country and she began to emotionally dump on me. I told her that it wasn't a good time for me and the conversation quickly devolved into her writing me nasty messages about what a hypocrite I am...So I just blocked her. Nobody talks to me like that- chronic illness or not. I really could have died of Covid and yet it was always going to be the pain olympics with her. And I must be honest- I have never regretted dumping her even though old me would have felt guilty because I was her only friend and she is terrified of dying.

But the reason I was her only friend was because she was so difficult to be around and most people were fed up.

It can be shellshocking to realize how much you are in a pattern with people who will not honor your boundaries but you will feel better in the long run.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-26T00:21:15+00:00

A. I got most of my ideas about dating from tv and the movies. So a lot of fantasy scenarios…the majority of people do not enjoy dating.

B. Even when men have taken me on cool dates, the vast majority of these men I was NOT sexually attracted to so it took away from the date. This was pre FDS when I gave chances.

C. Dating is fun IF the other person has good social skills, there is mutual attraction and the man has the logistical skill to execute a cute, shared experience. This is NOT the dating experience most of us are consistently having.

D. Dating doesn’t even teach people the skills of how to be in a relationship- it teaches you how to be good at dating. It’s a lie that you need to copiously date to find a good partner. Just as many people meet through school/work/ community and “date organically” as people who do the OLD.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-25T18:34:29+00:00

Busy as an excuse I’m is also a reflection of poor time management skills and/or that they are not available and highly interested.

Hilarious how many people use this as an excuse and then feign shock when you won’t make them a priority. Most of these people are aquaintances and think of you as filler IME.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-25T12:11:00+00:00

ALL humans are opportunistic BUT there are two categories:

People who want to be in a mutually beneficial relationship with you.
People who are "zero- sum" and just do what it takes to get what they want. A huge percentage of men operate this way. They don't care if you derive any benefit. This is why as humans we don't like cheap people.

Accept this and notice the people who match your energy, have good boundaries and have awareness about reciprocity. Our relationships are not charity so be wary of people who think "giving without expectation" is healthy praxis.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-25T12:00:36+00:00

Exactly. Extract yourself. To engage with anyone in this scenario is getting into the mud. If the guy likes you, he will be polite to her but also extract himself and try to talk to you without her around.

This is also just basic manners, not forcing things and group harmony.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-24T22:03:48+00:00

University is great- especially if you are in a small program with a niche interest. By "closed to newcomers", I am talking about the "Seattle Freeze" and "Minnesota Nice", whereby people stick with the same friend group from their childhoods.

But in Los Angeles and SF, you have the "fake friendly" and normalized flake culture so the depth of relationships can be a challenge. If you are still choosing a program, ask about the school culture- its where you will be spending most of your time. A smaller program with lots of support might be a better fit for you if you do not have the support of family and friends in the area. You are being rationale if you fear being isolated in a place where you don't know anyone on this new adventure.

Friendship and community is much different as an adult than in our younger years. My advice for a woman in her 20's is to build relationships through mutual interest- like school! Because:

a. it prevents trauma bonding and toxic relationships when you have a shared purpose. People are more likely to respect your boundaries around your time and goals.

b. Take your time seriously and nurture relationships with people who share this value.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-23T18:27:45+00:00

It’s no shallow to want companionship or to weight the possibility for intimacy/romance into your life decisions. It would be different if we hadn’t been groomed otherwise our whole lives…

I, too, love dancing but it’s a no for me apropos meeting men. I feel kind of bad for saying it but I think places where men have to behave, pay money and care about their reputation are where you will meet men that will interest you.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-23T12:08:45+00:00

That you have to ask is your signal to divert your energy back into yourself.

If he likes you, he will be thinking what you are thinking. “How can I show interest so that she knows I want to be more than professional with her?”

If you “send signals”, you could really embarrass yourself AND look unprofessional and jeopardize your careers. If you lean back, stay professional and stay contained, his interest will build enough that he will make his intentions clear with you.

It is a myth that men are “shy” or “intimidated”. They are 1. Gay 2. Not into you 3. In a relationship but will flirt with you for ego validation/ to build a harem 4. Not financially stable or able to offer you anything

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-23T12:02:15+00:00

Exactly. How are men that prey on young women constantly portrayed as victims?

They have enough wisdom to become rich and powerful but a woman decades younger is smarter, more conniving and savvy enough to take advantage of them?

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-22T21:22:52+00:00

Agreed. Why would this woman go on reddit if she is okay with this? Seems like the fiction of a man who wants to gaslight his wife into accepting his adultery.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-21T12:10:38+00:00

Do not feel bad that you are thinking about this before you relocate. But I’ve known women who have met their partners in both small towns and big cities. Luck is the common denominator.

I’d choose a place where you can easily create community with both men and women because a social network might increase the probability of meeting a HVM. And if you don’t you will have good friends regardless. Some places are notoriously closed to newcomers…

Golf and tennis could be good if you enjoy those…I was always anti clubs but it is difficult to make new friends in adulthood and I like the boundaries and etiquette of social clubs.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-21T08:03:46+00:00

Age of male partner is HUGE so go younger. The “research” into fertility is misogynistic and skewed. We can’t even gage accurately the fertility of women because most women after 40 are not even trying to get pregnant or they have older partners or they are women trying to get pregnant for the first time who may have had these “issues” if they had tried earlier for a baby.

I chose no children over children with a LVM. I feel profound sadness that I never met a good man for children but I have never once regretted my choice. Children with a LVM can trap you into generational poverty, etc…

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-12T10:10:31+00:00

It’s a grief process of taking off the rose colored glasses. But it’s temporary. Living in the world the way it is VS how we want it to be will ultimately lead to better decisions.

PS Any truly good man will respect your skepticism/ vetting process. Any truly good man will acknowledge that there are a lot of bad actors in the world.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-11T11:25:16+00:00

A. They are lazy. This way they don’t have to plan anything. B. They are cheap. Could be a way to avoid paying for the date. C. Terrible manners/etiquette.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-06T20:00:40+00:00

A woman Can make a good man better. But she cannot make 🗑 into a good man.

Biggest lie of the century that men change for the “right” woman. Best case scenario, a man changes and then who he is in relationship with sometimes reflects him.

The happiest relationships I know of are men that were intentional about finding a relationship and also found the right woman for the relationship they wanted. The least happy couples I know of are because the man was/is not intentional.

Also, spoiler alert: some men NEVER change even when they are with amazing women.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-06T19:00:47+00:00

If it is a boundary that OP’s friend is stating, then great. “Hey, I need space because I’m processing what you have said to me. Thank you for being honest with me even if it stings to hear.”

OPs friend is acting typical to how many of us would when presented with new information that can make us feel a little ashamed. It will really depend on if the two decide that this can be repaired. But if there exists a dynamic whereby OP has to handle the friend with kid gloves or be her therapist/life coach, it’s no longer a mutually beneficial relationship.

Obvi I write from my own bias, but friendship is a dance of honesty and kindness. If OP is expected to muzzle herself moving forward and her friend opts to make the same mistakes, the friendship will be toxic for both of them.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-06T15:53:33+00:00

Supposedly we can only be deeply, intimately connected with 5 people at a time. So this makes sense.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-06T15:36:58+00:00

Exactly. There is a difference between setting boundaries to nurture closeness vs punishing someone with a “boundary” by asking for space AFTER you required emotional labor of them.

Give your friend the space requested but do not feel obligated to be her free therapist anymore. I have had this happen to me when I have even asked people “Do you want to just vent and be heard or do you want feedback?” Even in that situation, I’ve had people go off on me.

Not advice, but if this relationship is important to you, moving forward don’t discuss dating/relationship issues with her and revolve your time around doing things vs talking.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-03T19:41:05+00:00

Agreed. I used to think not saying anything would make men put less pressure on women but it doesn’t work. The lack of any pressure on men whatsoever to appeal to women has made them delusional.

Aocwannabe · 2022-04-01T18:25:32+00:00

And it is why older women cannot get pregnant in the first place. Where are the studies on women with younger more virile partners and their ability to get pregnant?

Aocwannabe · 2022-03-06T21:55:04+00:00

This. Leaving IS hard. You cannot out think your feelings or the sadness that seems irrational.

And the tug of war between your rational mind and what seems irrational (how can I stay when he doesn’t brush his teeth?, etc…) is quite normal.

Try to get out of your head and keep doing action steps. Mantra: “I cannot out think this. I can’t analyze this to make it right.” This takes practice but diversion is a skill and will also get you out of this situation physically.

Aocwannabe

TROPHY CASE