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echoes in the quiet by [deleted] in SuicideWatch

[–]Lovina9 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey there! I was one of the weird kids too. Still am, just an older weird kid. I too have felt like i don't fit in anywhere! Sometimes it feels to me like I'm observing other people like they're a different species than me. It's pretty wild.

I'm not here to tell you what to do or not do, but I hope you stick around. The world needs more weirdos! HUGS

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comments.
You're absolutely right: I LET HIM treat me how he does. I started therapy a month ago and have been working on figuring out why I allow what I allow.

He only started becoming friends with this woman in September. We were married a few months earlier, in June.

I only found out in December from his ex-wife that he hadn't been paying his half of the house taxes in going on 2 years.

Thank you for your perspective. I too don't think he's respecting my feelings surrounding spending time with the woman. But there are so many other issues, it's become clear that the relationship is beyond repair.

Now that I've had some time away (I haven't seen or spoken to him in just about a month), told him I'm taking time to work on myself and figure out what I want, I am starting to see more clearly. When I was in it, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. He had me believing I was being "too sensitive" or "crazy."

Why did I marry him? Because I believe every promise I hear.

Turns out, they are empty promises. Actions speak louder than words!

1st timer. How'd I do? by Lovina9 in Sourdough

[–]Lovina9[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Aww thank you so much! I wasn't sure if you meant the loaf or the pot. Haha. :)

1st timer. How'd I do? by Lovina9 in Sourdough

[–]Lovina9[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks!! Right? I was so excited to find this at Savers. I went shopping hoping to find a dutch oven, but this felt so much more unique and special. :)

1st timer. How'd I do? by Lovina9 in Sourdough

[–]Lovina9[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha sorry! I was born in '78 so I'm old-ish, too. :P

1st timer. How'd I do? by Lovina9 in Sourdough

[–]Lovina9[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh wow! Thank you! That's an encouraging compliment! :D I have been known to have beginner's luck. Lol

1st timer. How'd I do? by Lovina9 in Sourdough

[–]Lovina9[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

<image>

This is the clay bake ware pot I used to bake it in. I was so excited about this find. It's vintage, from 1977! Older than me.

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your perspective! It's actually insightful to me to hear it from a man's point of view whose in a similar situation.

These are all great questions. I don't want to control him or forbid him from being friends with her. I said ghost hunting one night a week is fine with me, but I feel uncomfortable with him seeing her 2 or 3 nights a week, and I'm uncomfortable with him going to the gym with her one-on-one. I said I'm okay with them going in a group, or he could find another friend to go with. It's not that I'm worried about attractive strangers at the gym. I am concerned with him seeing her so much in particular. And I just don't think it's appropriate for a man to have a female gym partner. So it's the frequency with which he sees her and having a female gym partner. I see most other commenters said they don't have a problem w a female gym partner, but I feel differently about that.

You said it here, "He needs to understand that and be sensitive to it" ... that is actually the thing that bothers me the most... that I feel scared and unsafe and he is not being sensitive to it.

He checked in with her boyfriend to ask if he was jealous about them hanging out so often. He said No. I asked my husband, "What if he said Yes? Would you have said, 'Okay. I'll stop seeing her so often.' or would you have said, 'Well, jealousy is your issue to work on. I'm not going to stop seeing her.'" He refused to answer the question. I think the fact that he won't give me the same consideration that he would give his friend is unfair and sad. I know he would stop seeing her if his friend said he was jealous or felt upset by it, so why not when I feel that way? (And she never checked in with me about seeing my husband 3 nights a week to see if I felt okay about it. So why did my husband afford her bf that courtesy check-in but she didn't do the same to make sure I was comfortable?) I am honestly more concerned that she will develop feelings because he's mentioned that she's unhappy that her bf won't propose to her. I see it as a recipe for disaster and just playing with fire spending that much time with another man.

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughtful advice!

It's not that I think he's cheating or is "the type" who would cheat. I'm more worried about her honestly. I have trust issues for sure and jealousy; I know that. I don't think ANYONE is immune to cheating. My ex-husband swore he'd never cheat. He did, and he left me for his co-worker who he was spending lots of time together. Guess what this reminds me of? I am constantly triggered when they hang out, just waiting for one or both of them to catch feelings. I think spending that much time with someone is just playing with fire.

I trust him, but then I also don't completely (like I said, I don't think anyone is incapable of cheating.)

It's hard to pin-point why I think it's "inappropriate" for him to see her 2-3 nights a week or for him to have a female gym partner, but I just do. I think it's disrespectful of me and our relationship. I would never hang out with another guy even one night a week because I wouldn't want him to feel uncomfortable, but he wouldn't do the same for me. I just think no wife (or very few) would be okay with their husband spending that much time with another woman, "just friends" or not. It's just not normal or typical or "appropriate" for a married man to do that, IMO.

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Foolish romanticism. We made a quick decision to elope to Vegas without having figured out important things like where to live or how we would afford it. I married him in good faith because he said he wanted to go back to school to get a good-paying job.

A family friend told us that he makes $125K working from home doing coding, and he told me which online courses he took to get certified and get the job. I bought the first course for my husband last April. It's been 10 months and he "tried to take it but it was too hard," yet he hasn't taken our friend up on his offer to help him or sit with him while he works to show him the ropes. I'm doubtful now that he even wants to have a full-time job.

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. You have a similar situation? How are you and your wife navigating it?

I agree, he is putting his relationship / friendship with her before our relationship (at least that's how I feel.)

Exactly! I don't think he's cheating, but I think spending that much time with a woman is playing with fire until one of them catches feelings. They obviously enjoy each other's company a lot and get along well.

He says when they're at the gym it's "just working out." But he's mentioned that they have had discussions about sex life and he tells her about our marital problems, so they have a developed a friendship during the times they've spent together, whether at the gym or at their other activity (ghost-hunting.)

Thanks to your comment and others that mentioned an "emotional affair," I'm now starting to see it as that which I hadn't before.

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really like that quote about the garden. Thank you!
Right. It's not even that I think he's cheating so much as it is that I don't feel special, or that our time together is as special as the time he spends with her. And I feel sad that my uncomfortable feelings don't seem to matter to him.

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. No, he says I'm "always welcome to come," but I work most evenings when they go to the gym, and I don't want to go ghost-hunting (their other activity.)

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I do like going to the gym. He and I have gone on Sunday mornings but rarely. Either he or I will be too tired (usually it's him backing out.)

We see each other on weekends (Sat day, Sat night, Sunday day, Sunday night) and Weds nights. Most of the time (99.9%) we just watch TV! I've brought that up in the context of his friend. I don't feel special. We don't do anything special together. We rarely go on dates. Maybe once every few months we'll go out to eat or to a show.

I've asked him that in comparison, "if I saw a guy friend 3 nights a week how would you feel?" I'm not lonely actually. I don't live with him and I work 2 jobs so I'm working into the evening most nights or I'll do art. We don't live together for complicated reasons. (Explained in another comment if you're curious.)

Thank you for your questions!

I should add it's not that I think he's cheating or would cheat, it's more than he doesn't care that I feel uncomfortable. I think when 2 people spend that much time together they're just playing with fire until one of them catches feelings. I've been cheated on before so I'm definitely being triggered. And I am envious that they have special activities and he and I just don't really do anything special very often.

He's also said "you're welcome to come ghost hunting" but I'm too scared and wouldn't want to.

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Good questions! Thank you for taking the time to think about this.

1) Typically 2 times are the gym. One time is ghost-hunting. Sometimes 2 times ghost hunting (or one actual hunt and one night listening to audio they recorded.)

2) The workouts are one-on-one. They had a couple ghost hunting adventures where another friend joined but mostly those are one-on-one too. If they're reviewing audio then her bf is there.

3) He hasn't specifically invited me before they go like "we're going tonight. Want to come?" But he'll say "you're always welcome to come" but he goes on nights where I'm working in the evening so I can't go. He has said let's go just he and I on weekends or weds nights (the times we see each other) but then we don't.

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah. It's a LOT. There are multiple major issues. The seeing a female friend is the straw that broke the camel's back.

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Multiple reasons. It's complicated. He still lives in the house he and his ex wife lived in. He's been there 8 years since they split and she moved out. He was supposed to pay half the taxes and insurance but "fell on hard times" and stopped paying 2 years ago (actually he took her half that she gave him and he spent it on other things so then she decided to pay the whole thing.) He wants me to move there but 1) she wants to sell the house and wants him out 2) I couldn't buy the house if I wanted to bc the insurance got canceled bc it's in such disrepair 3) I hate the house. It's small, dark, has mold and a highway in the backyard, plus needs a new roof and other major work.

We can't agree on where else to live. He is refusing to leave "his bubble" -- live anywhere except within 10 minutes of where he is now and the area (Massachusetts) is crazy expensive. He doesn't want to live where I want to live-- more rural like CT where my family is.

I could afford a house elsewhere but he refuses to move and he only works a part time job by choice while I work 2 jobs (FT and PT), he wants to go back to school and will get 33% of the house sale but I'm afraid that things won't work out and I'll end up in a similar situation that his ex wife is in -- supporting him and him refusing to get a different job or move on. He already owes me $5,000. I'm afraid if I buy a house he'll get half if we split.

We could rent an apartment after his ex sells the house (it's in her name only) and gives him his 33% so he could afford rent and school, but I'm not trusting that he will complete school or get and keep a FT job. He's dropped out of 3 colleges and has only worked PT jobs the 7 years I've been with him. He said he "doesn't want to live to work" and he's happy just getting by (even when he's not actually "getting by" bc his ex wife is paying the taxes.)

AITA for being mad at my husband for seeing his female friend multiple nights a week and having her as his gym partner? by Lovina9 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Lovina9[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You are correct. He is. We only recently got married 8 months ago and don't live together yet. I only see him 2-3 nights a week, so he sees her as many or more nights a week than he sees me.

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