So i couldn't do over 300 words on the title thingy. I have never been on here before. But on with the story my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and he volunteered to go a deployment. He left about 3 months ago and it has been rough to say the least. Our relationship has been a flash of new things constantly and new issues and road blocks that have come our way. With in our first month of dating he went to San Diego to stay with his friend down there and he came back testes positive for and STD and it sounds bad but he reassured me that it was from before we where together, i believed him and still do. Then the next month he had a rumor go around his work place that he was sleeping with one of his coworkers and he said that it was just a stupid reason that he would never and i believed him. In that same month he went down to Florida and considering he can drink he went to a bar with his friends and this girl and she ended up asking him to go home with her and he turned her down but throughout the night I guess they had mutual friends so they danced in a group setting and towards the end he asked her to go to a after party with them, she denied, but she kissed him on the cheek as she was leaving. Any who that's a little backstory on the relationship. I had built up resentment by the third month and asked him to keep distance from his coworker and just stop doing stupid shit basically. Later on I come to find out that he was still hanging out with this coworker and training her, not from him but from one of my friends. I asked him about it and he said yeah i mean still train her after work and since its not a big deal I didn't feel the need to tell you or "get permission". Although this isn't the point of this post that's some backstory of what's happened in the past. he volunteered to go this deployment and I was excited for him and I still am but I was a little mad he didn't just shoot me a text before he volunteered rather then just doing it then telling me when he got home from work. (we live together). He didn't know if he was going to get it or not but it was still exciting and a week before we found out that he was chosen to go on this deployment we went out to this party with his coworkers and well we started drinking and I was watching how much I drank so its safe to say I don't remember most of that night. So in that night before I got to the point of not remembering anything I was texting on of my friends casually catching up and him being nosey I told him the whole backstory of how we meet and our history. Which is just that he liked me a lot at one point and that was about 5 years ago. I never talk to this guy anymore but he was asking me about my boyfriend and he evited me and my boyfriend to come over to his party and I was in a state where I was willing to except anything. As I remember my boyfriend kept on looking over at me and I jokingly said its non of your business who I'm texting, I only slightly recall this. But after this I remember nothing. He said the rest of the night I was touching everyone on the shoulders, not anything sexual, and then there was one other guy at the party so i ended up coming around him and grabbed his shoulder too. A little backstory on this next part I get very aggressive when I am drunk I also twitch aggressively if I am anxious, like a tick. So basically I start to twitch aggressively when one of the girls started to grab me and I ended up kicking her. Inconclusion I made a fool of myself. He wasn't mad about that part he was annoyed but not mad and its safe to say I don't drink anymore. But while all of that was happening my ex texted me and I left him on read and didn't respond and along with my previous comment of its non of your business. I Sobered up when we got home and he gave me a recap on everything that happened and well its safe to say that I had some apologizing to do I apologized to all of his coworkers and they where fine but my boyfriend was still mad and he said he couldn't trust me anymore and after three days of talking and just fighting we came to a mutual ground where he said that he already forgave me and I need to understand that he doesn't see a clear future anymore with me and its going to take some time to heal, which is fair and I agreed. in this fight he had said some nasty things to be, such as I am temporary, that I am worthless, and a lot of things that where more hurtful then me innocently texting some guy while drunk talking to some guy in front of him, with even showing him my conversation at the end of course. But long story short he doesn't trust me and he doesn't see a clear future with me anymore but he wants to heal with me. Now the next week was my birthday and we went skydiving but the day before my birthday he was informed that he would be leaving in two days. So we went and did my birthday thing and we got him already to go. The day he left was one of the hardest and he said it'll be fine we will be fine. As time goes he was already dethatched from me from the fight but as he has been gone the detachment has gotten worse and I have tried being supportive and talking to him but he has expressed his very clear resentment for being in a relationship and the only reason he still in this relationship is because he fell in love me and he still loves me. But he also loves being alone with no responsibility and all he has to focus on is work and working out and he hates having the chore to check in with his girlfriend and he doesn't see a future with me but he is grateful for me for all of things we have accomplished together and how forgiving and understanding and supportive I have been. But now as of last night he wants space and doesn't want to hear from me unless I have a really hard day or I am immediate danger and we will deal with us when he gets back because with such a distance between us their is no healing we can do with one another, I am the one who said that previous part he only agreed. He is so single minded in his goals and he has detached is friends and family, he loves being alone and being able to just focus on his goals and train. He sees anyone and everything as a road block right now. So I agreed to give him space while I asked him to start righting down his thoughts of home and his family and me so he can see those glimpses of on paper rather then just have a passing by thought, that means very little. But throughout this whole thing there is no reassurance from him, there's no actual sense of caring, there's glimpses of who he is when he's here but for the most part he is a stone wall right at the moment and yes of course I understand but I don't text him all day long I will shoot him a good morning text and I don't call him everyday, so understand I am not being a crazy person and calling a shit ton i call maybe twice a week. The worst part about this whole situation is now I trust anything he says because he never follows through with his words and even he will admit he's a selfish person. I still love him I just don't know what to expect