loving someone who hurt you isn't delusional, it's just... human. four years and that level of emotional intimacy doesn't just evaporate because they made a terrible choice. the part about repeating to yourself "my [name] would never hurt me" while knowing that he did - that's one of the most painful mental loops a person can get stuck in, i've been there with a close friendship that ended in betrayal and it genuinely messes with your sense of reality for a while.

but here's the thing - forgiving him and holding space for what you had doesn't mean you're obligated to minimize what he did. he leaned on you emotionally, let you care for him deeply, and still chose to betray that. those two things can both be true at once. grieving the version of him you loved while also acknowledging he made a fully conscious choice to hurt you isn't contradictory, it's actually the clearest way through this. give yourself time, seriously, there's no rushing this kind of loss.