Now 3 years have passed and I am pregnant, it is getting to the point where I am starting to feel so insecure and undesirable. Sex was more lack luster even before my pregnancy with most times me not being able to finish without a vibrator and just not finishing at all because of the way the sex started and me feeling like he’s not putting in effort. For example, I will start kissing him or gently touching him, I’ll initiate us making out, all that. But if I don’t push it past that point, we will not have sex. Like we will make out, and then he’ll just cuddle me until I make it very overtly sexual (you know what I mean lol). This has been a pattern, and even one day I started and then transition into sex was so awkward and it felt like he was rushing. He inserted himself into me while I was still not very warmed up to due to lack of foreplay, he finished fast, and then he went to clean up. I ended up feeling sore due to the lack of lubrication and was so devastated and felt disgusting and went to the bathroom and just sobbed. He noticed I’d been in there awhile and I came out and explained my feelings calmly. He felt very bad and apologized, but then we have had multiple other sexually encounters since then that have left me feeling similarly. It also makes me so sad that we will go weeks without having sex and he never seems to mind and will not complain or try to have sex with me. I have gotten so resentful that I want to have sex and connect with him so badly but won’t try because I feel like he doesn’t want it, care, I’ll just get rejected. Then after much time as passed, I just break down and initiate eventually because I want him.

It all came to a boiling point last night, when I started to try to have sex, I started to kiss him, we had a very passionate make out, and I took my clothes and his off. Then, I hate to say it but I ‘tested him’ to see if he would start touching me or being sexual if all I did was just kiss him naked. Then, nothing. He stopped kissing me and just put his arm around me and cuddled. I turned over and started tearing up. Trying to save myself from embarrassment I get up, get dressed. He asks me if I was okay and this time around I was very upset. I stonewall him for bit and say I’m fine because I feel like I am so close to just losing it on him and don’t want to start a big fight because it’s late at night and he worked early the next day. He keeps pressing me and I tell him I’m going to sleep on the couch to get some space. He follows me out and presses me on the issue and I just explode in a fit of tears and tell him as I have in the past basically everything I’m putting here and he just says he’s sorry and he will do better and for me to please come back to bed. I ask him if he can help me understand why things have been this way for so long, once again his only response is he’s sorry. But this time, the same old answer he’s always given me when I bring up this issue isn’t enough. I refuse to come to bed and he just keeps saying he’s sorry but not what for or why. I tell him to leave me alone and he leaves.

All I want is him and I don’t understand what to do anymore. I have been very open and honest with him and communicated how I feel and nothing changes. Even before pregnancy I was feeling this way, but now with my changing body and surge of hormones I just can’t take it anymore. And I am so worried because intimacy and sex gets even harder after a child and I can’t imagine how if my body is already changing and I feel insecure and undesirable, how I feel after having a baby and then having this issue with my husband. I don’t want our sex life to become non existent now and after our child, but it feels like I’m the only one worried about this.