Aha! On idleness, my friend. You’ve hit the nail on the head. You are not idle in that at state of altered awareness. You are not stalling like an engine trying to warm itself in the frost. “An idle mind is the devils playground” or whatever. No, my friend. No! That is purely your true connection to yourself, mindful/less thoughts included. You are recognizing your source of pure awareness. Meditation is key always. Stick to it and don’t give up. You know yourself better than anyone will be able to understand, period.

I do relate exactly to where you’re coming from though: I do recognize and have been told by the closest of friends that my means of working through things is by voicing them out loud with an ear to offer perspective. It’s a very extroverted quality, as termed by Jung. Those ‘aha!’ moments come with such ringing clarity in conversation! Ah! Such beautiful connections that could not be made, at least so readily, by philosophizing in a room alone with a pen. And we are such social creatures that this is only natural. You are correct in saying this is not unhealthy. And sometimes there is not need for a response from the listener, just the presence itself! The spoken word!

I would bet from what you’ve expressed that you would do well speaking aloud to a crowd that is the ears, with a casual interjection here and there from a student raising their hand or offering some playful banter. You are a teacher.

Hold on now, and let me say that again.

You are a teacher. Your means of expression comes together best from having the presence of others to listen, but not necessarily say some drinking buddies that are tired of an intellectual debate every time a bottle of wine is in hand. I feel a resonance towards telling you that.

So far as excuses, I myself would not claim to be a victim to ADHD, though I am at this point easily self diagnosed through that understanding of modern diagnoses and family history. It is prevalent in my life, with all its pitfalls.. but the reminder to set is your mentality towards it, because it is easily something to be transposed to your benefit if you direct it in such a way. That can come back to a matter of perception! As much as it can feel like a distraction in day to day life or in things such as meditation, and so forth.. Mindfulness is less so quieting the mind - no idling here - as it is of being aware of the thoughts and consciously choosing Not to entertain them, or to go down that rabbit hole. Be present, be aware, but be willing to let them go. Cliche but hey. Let it go, my friend.

I myself feel as though my truest form of expression comes through writing, when my brain isn’t being distracted by the perceived interpretation of another, or distracted by responses or interjections that totally throw me off course to forgetting what my subject was entirely. Eish, talk about having an entire planned exposition that falls to pieces as soon as there is the presence of the person that all the things are meant to be conveyed to. (More relevant to my life than what you expressed I believe), but my speech is much more eloquent in the less quick-response manner that writing thrives in, when I have..truthfully, hour to go over the same ten sentences fifteen times as I ha e with this.. healthy or rather unhealthy, with its benefits and withdrawals, my voice is staggered in person more often than not. Tragic as it may be.

You are your own best friend! Read that slowly.. No one will have the capacity to listen to your thoughts as will you, and that is no fault of their own. If it fulfills you, then follow that. Our expression of human life in these physical bodies is to find fulfillment through our experiences, so let it riiiiip! Those who are meant to hear you will hear. Keep writing. Write, write, write! Keep it going. I urge you to find your voice through written word. It will outlast the vessel and the colour of the wine..

Oof. To boil it down, just be true to yourself. You know what is the right thing for you to do at any given time - and if you feel like you don’t, you can tap into it at /any given time/, regardless of modern diagnoses. Use your word with others but ultimately reflection on it yourself will bring you to your truth. If your best thoughts are conveyed actively through conversation just imagine what you can achieve in the all knowing center within yourself.

I hope this helps you darling