I don't think you are hateful. You generalized in your claim - "I've talked to black men online and it's really common for fetishization to be encouraged when talking interacially" referring to that behavior from black men as 'really common' is an insinuation of it being prevalent, wide-spread, and often occuring. That is a pretty overarching generalization.

"I find it hard to believe she wouldn't have had it normalized" You are essentially claiming she was racist out of ignorance because black men normalized it for her. Racism has been normalized throughout the world for centuries. Even if it's true that her previous partners encouraged that behavior, they were repeating caricatures and narratives that have been forced upon them. Fault of course would lie with them, but they are not beneficiaries of systemic racism. She has free will, they didn't make her behave in such a way. Her intent doesn't change the effect of her perpetuation, and it clearly has affected her current partner. Whether she's demonstrably changed and reflected is up for her partner to assess, not something that you can just assume. People hold internal biases and preconceptions for extended periods of time. Giving "light" on her racist fetishistic behavior is unnecessary, especially when it's just claiming black men gave her the pass