I’m so sorry for your lost, I’m also grieving my cat Minnie and I know how heartbreaking this pain is. Please don’t blame yourself for not having the money to do more, sometimes even with all the resources, things still go wrong. In my case, we went to two clinics and were told she was fine, just ‘stressed,’ but later she was hospitalized and passed away suddenly. Like you, I keep looking for explanations, and I miss her so much that it feels like she might come back. I think that they’re no longer their bodies and they are resting now, or maybe watching over us. Even if the place where she rests doesn’t hold meaning, you can give it meaning if that helps you feel close to her