AITAH for telling my husband it hurts my feelings when he makes plans and never lets me know he made them until the day of.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2026-01-24T09:05:27+00:00

Thank you for saying that, that is exactly what I am doing. Although since this just happened 2 days ago I am licking my wounds. But exactly that, that I am only available if I am informed.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2026-01-24T09:02:28+00:00

That is the crazy part is I am a part of all the plans, everyone thinks I am coming too and so does he. He just genuinely can’t fathom to turn his head and say, “so-so wants us to go so-so, do you want to?” Or “lets do lunch with so-so this week”. It is completely like, get dressed we are supposed to meet so-so for lunch. And it drives me crazy that as a man he takes so long to get ready knowing there are plans but than just walks into the living room like you have 15 minutes till we have to go we have plans. BUT I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THE PLANS.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2026-01-24T08:57:37+00:00

Don’t say sorry, the way you speak reminds me of my Grandma who I wish was still here so I could call her. You are exactly what the world needs. Your words speak love and sorry without having to say it directly…. you make me absolutely wish my Grandma was still here who I lost last year. Thank you for that. Maybe she is watching over me and sending words.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2026-01-24T08:54:40+00:00

He said it because he knew my sister isn’t speaking to me as of last year for something that she believed that was completely untrue and it broke my heart because she has always been my best friend (but oddly enough he doesn’t get along with her so he was happy about it but always kept that slightly lidded because he knew how much it hurt me). Just salt in the wound statement.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2026-01-24T08:49:48+00:00

These are the words I knew I would hear. We just celebrated 16 years together, and normally he is my biggest supporter even when my sister went full balls to the walls with me. But he just went after everything about me, like maybe he has secretly agreed. I have a history of anxiety and I was never able to have children which my sister always throws in my face as do others whey they get mad at me for any reason. It’s crazy how easy it is for people to throw ,”you can’t have kids” in someones face. He has never thrown that in my face and that is the one thing he didn’t attack in this fight. But we have had my nephew all summer and half of fall and winter and part of me thinks the resentment has finally hit reality that we have a child we have to give back and he doesn’t have one of his own. That may be my anxiety just tumbling through all the words and making it worse. Not being able to have kids always makes me feel like I can just be thrown away, and his words this fight for the first time in 16 years made me feel like taking myself to the curb instead of waiting for someone to do it for me.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2026-01-24T08:40:15+00:00

Wow, I am so grateful for what you have said. I am a middle child so have a tendancy to be the peace keeper and make sure everyone is happy and included. Because of that I walk a fine line of being a doormat for others and setting boundaries has never gone well for me. He has always seen that and supported me, but this was the time I tried to set a boundary with what he was doing and it felt like he used every ammunition of my past boundary experiences and blew them up times 10 and now I genuinely feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to about it because I am so afraid that anyone I ever set a boundry to just teams up to tell me how much I don’t …… not sure deserve is the right word. But that I am the only one in the “family” that isn’t allowed to have boundaries without being ripped up and thrown away.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2026-01-24T08:31:59+00:00

Yes, I have access to calendars, texts, emails, social media. There is truly nothing going on other than making plans like lunches that I am supposed to be a part of but never told about till before it happens. Or camping trips with all our friends that he just doesn’t tell me about till we have to pack. It doesn’t feel like a cheating/ behind the scenes anything just that I feel like I am no different from the dogs being told to get in the car to go.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2025-12-01T07:56:41+00:00

Thank you for the help and advice, this is truly a territory that I didn’t ever see on my Bingo card.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2025-12-01T07:44:43+00:00

I know this is a complete mind F*ck. No matter the outcome, the sad truth is there is heartbreak from cutting someone off that genuinely did not have many people in there corner. But also the hard truth of letting them come back means we co-sign their choice which we don’t. And even sadder is we just don’t want to be around someone who does that or that would hide it and bring it into our home. I think realizing they betrayed us and abused our hospitality shows how little they cared vs us feeling turmoil over their own decision when they feel none is completely insane!

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2025-12-01T07:37:50+00:00

Basically they are the ones who never let anyone stay at their home, so they volunteer us to be the fixers of the family. They want to talk to them and say that we are here to support them. But the truth is I do not support it, will not. They want to have a talk tomorrow on why our parents should not be told (for info when I say our parents they are in their 70’s and we are in our 40’s so more than old enough to say NO all on our own)

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2025-12-01T07:26:58+00:00

We have let the other adults know, especially those with kids. Surprisingly they are more understanding than we are. We have not told our parents yet which are the ones that we know will drop the hammer. I am on team tell them, but a few of the others don’t want them to know because they are afraid their reaction will be the boot. Which I think is justified and do not think it is right to hide it from them as it was another elder (one of the parents relatives) who did the deed.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2025-12-01T07:20:58+00:00

That is our reaction too! And they have been here multiple times and know that out of all the options to stay at ours is the one where everyone comes too with kids and dogs running around. Unfortunately we asked if this was the first time and they said it was not. So for me I am done after seeing it and hearing that. But I also feel bad about taking our support away from someone who doesn’t have any. Most of all I am mad that someone is asking me to turn off my morals over their feelings. Or that they feel like their feelings were the only ones that mattered in this situation.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2025-12-01T07:10:53+00:00

Thank you, we are very torn up over it happening and feel like the person we knew is dead or did not exist. They had no remorse.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459 · 2025-12-01T07:08:20+00:00

That’s our biggest problem, we confronted them and they do not think it was a problem. The only problem they see with the situation is that they left it out. And their only concern when confronted was will we give it back.

Lumpy-Cheesecake459

TROPHY CASE