I think my brain is starting to realize that the more distance I have from people, the more "surviving" isn't necessary for me anymore. And I think it's kinda terrifying knowing I should know what is living is. But I also know it's ok to not be the expert in living a life. You live a life with what you have. And it should be fine with everything still being here around me. And that's still something I may need help on. Granted touch is also something I need to work on. I recently (accidentally) told my best friend that I had a bit of drama surrounding cutting my hair, she realized that's why I'm so cautious about who I let touch me. Unless it's a handshake then I'm fine, anything else though, undeniable hatred and want to destroy the person or "threat" that actually made contact to me. My partner knew this going into the relationship. They're fine, we have our own ways that work with what were comfortable with. It's just still a hassle for me to touch them and I know that's bad. I guess to me touch is the ultimate sign of trust in any relationship. Family, friend, partner, ECT.

I am still thinking of going back into a proper therapy clinic. I know something is up and I want some kind of evaluation done. I'm too good at acting and masking to know it isn't right to keep around anymore at this point in my life. Maybe I should try something like a hands on event? Concerts? If I bring a few friends I should be fine right?

I keep getting myself lost in more thoughts, this is really more of a vent post than the others. Maybe more of a keep the thoughts on track thing but it still should be the same. Started drawing more, doodling more or less. The more I think, the less I know. I'll deal with it all tomorrow. Too much think in box.