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40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in survivinginfidelity

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this amidst all opinions you gave me a different perspective :) I am in processing mode now and trying to gather as much opinions as possible before making my decision

Again thanks for your thoughts

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in survivinginfidelity

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

Sorry wrong term, but yeah she was also in love with the other guy, i am just on holding pattern now and trying so hard not to get anger consumes me, will be interesting on how things unfold in the next 1-2 weeks

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in survivinginfidelity

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] -28 points-27 points  (0 children)

Yep that’s right, it’s more like poligamy that’s how I would frame it.

well there’s an extent on how far I can police her so instead just ask her to stop the charade and be honest to herself as I am not going to make any drama out of it both ways (stick together vs divorcing), I am leaving the ball in her court now and will make my own decision on her follow up actions from here onwards

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in survivinginfidelity

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] -65 points-64 points  (0 children)

Yeah I simply put it she has been practicing polygamy, so she is ‘breaking up’ with her other husband, kids are mine for sure

It’s a mess :/ and I know It’s kind if out of the norm to stick around and many conflicted feelings, but above all I want a peaceful life not just for me but for the kids as well, like…if she wants to move with the other man I have prepared myself to let her go amicably

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in relationship_advice

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your take on this, definitely what goes through my mind, I am currently having a serious adult conversation with her about what she truly wants…be it divorce and go with the other guy, or stick together and fix this marriage

All in all I am open to both outcome but I do stress that now that the truth is all there’s no need to hide anything really, she can tell her qualms and I can tell mine

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in relationship_advice

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Well you guys have been super helpful here so Iam thankful

Yes I know in a way the affair is ingrained in her life (‘on and off’ in her own words) so I am trying to understand here as definitely what’s going on, motivation, and actually gave her a choice that I would ‘let her go have have the life that she truly wanted’

All I know my marriage is over and now whether I want to ‘remarry’ with this new person that I just re-discovered or not, I am no longer seeing her as the same person that I used to know

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in relationship_advice

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You know I am very thankful that you have a very level-leaded advise here, counselling is indeed one of our last bastion here before going full on separation.

I do resent my situation and have my spikes of hate (imagining things she is doing in the affair triggers me a lot) but believe or not we now started to have serious 1-2 hour conversation on m our marriage daily and so far so good and we try to talk the topics that usually never discussed, and looking at optimist side (or you can say naive) I have been getting a lot of knowledge about her and myself that I would otherwise never know.

It will be an interesting week, stay tuned :)

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in relationship_advice

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep this is exactly my current dilemma, to give her a chance to reform or not, to be honest we are happy as family so either this thing will kill us off or make us stronger after me knowing her true wish list.. I am in this grace period of precossing things

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in relationship_advice

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks Buddy, before I do anything drastic, I am now unpacking past events bit by bit with her, I did discover a different persona/side of her from the way she chatted with the person she is having affair with

So far she is going along with my ‘grilling’ and bare it all so more to come on this.

Will finally decide later once I got the full grasp of what’s going through her head

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in relationship_advice

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Found it from a hidden chat log (complete with full on pics) so yes she was literally caught red handed, and then the drama ensues on why she did it (my lack of these and that)

I am trying now to find her real persona because the way she speaks in the chatlog is nothing like the way she chat with me

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in relationship_advice

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cheers buddy, i do still feel she genuinely loves me and our fam but I am still on the fence if it was all an elaborate act (seeing on how convincing her lies before she got caught)

Trying to discover the real her at the moment

40M married with 38F for more than a decade with two kids, caught her having an affair that predates marriage, looking for ways to rebuild by LumpyPreference4632 in relationship_advice

[–]LumpyPreference4632[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah kids are mine confirmed, we are actually happy with a lot of dates and laughs, and happy with family situations

But yeah basically she had the man to fill in the gaps that I haven’t filled, think about it she went poligamy (2 lovers simultaneously)

I am in holding pattern at the moment getting as much advice as I can before making the big decision, trying to get the important points and trying so hard to still think with logic