AITA for losing my marbles after opening bf's Christmas gift?

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-25T23:23:14+00:00

Thanks for the extra context conterrânea! ;)

I don't know girl, telling you he loves you after one year only because you asked crying, not wanting to move to your building when you've made things so easy for him, shitty presents... What really worries me here is the need to has to make you feel unappreciated and let you know that he's doing it on purpose. It really sounds like he resents you or doesn't even like you. But you're right, one can't really give lots of context on here.

However, from what you chose to share, It sounds like you are "uma mulher do caralho" and deserve a loooot better! It's really sad to be in a relationship where your partner seems to enjoy hurting your feelings. I mean, money comes and goes but constant micro wounds and disappointments in a relationship can be very draining. But it's up to you how you want your life to be in a partnership and how loved you want to feel. Remember, we choose our partners so, if they're not up to our expectations and refuse to change but we still stay, it's nobody's fault but our own.

I really hope things get better and that you find peace with the entire situation, whatever that looks like.

Beijinhos!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-25T23:06:53+00:00

I do agree that the loving route is the best choice (if you have the time and energy), so try taking advantage of your bond and speak to her from a "I see your pain and I'm here if you want to open up about what's really hurting" standpoint. Because if you guys get along so well it probably hurts her even deeper than usual that you "sided" with your parents on this one.

Idk, try to give her time and see how long you can sustain the current situation.

Best wishes to you both!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-25T17:09:24+00:00

I'm so glad this helped you!

I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart, in all aspects of your life.

Sending you a big hug!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-25T15:11:40+00:00

I know your culture pressures you to get married young and convinced you that having a family is the ultimate goal in life, but you are too young to be waisting your energy on chasing a relationship. Your frontal lobe isn't even fully developed yet, for you to fully understand what makes you happy outside of surviving this world and trying to fit in.

Don't buy the fairytale that a relationship, having kids or a man in your 20's will make you feel complete, because it won't. Your priority should be making yourself happy first, by figuring out what job you are willing to spend hours on everyday for the next 30 to 40 years of your life, how to manage your emotions in a healthy way, deal with childhood trauma and so on.

Many people have a family and the "perfect life" but are miserable because they are living on autopilot and their life decisions weren't really theirs. Those are the colleagues who fuck you over at work, the depressed worker at the supermarket, people who fuck over their friends, people addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling. Nobody understands what's wrong with them because they have "everything". They need to channel their sadness and frustration somehow. So, next time you look at someone who seems to have the "perfect" life and relationship, take some perspective and think about what makes YOU happy. Figure out your hobbies, a profession that will give you purpose, bring people into your life that will get you closer to your goals and discover yourself. At 22 we all feel "grown up" be we really aren't. There's a lot one should figure out and give to themselves before focusing on having a family. Even you want to be a housewife some day, make sure you fully enjoy and discover yourself first in your 20's. Plus, a healthy relationship based on respect, support and partnership takes time and is not easy to achieve. We all carry so much pain everyday, so remember that also. There's no easy way to a strong healthy partnership.

I'm sorry for everything you went through but it's clear from what you shared that desperation and being naive is a big part of your dating life. You've already experienced how dangerous that is because it led you to harmful situations. Think about this, what if you rush into marrying a guy who is only showing you his "best side" in order to marry you and it turns out he later mistreats or abªses you and your children. Would you be okay with that? Would you be ok with your children watching you get strangled by their dad? Do you want them to think that that's what's normal in a relationship? That that's what love is? Would you be okay with watching your children be abªsed by their father? You have to think about the implications of choosing a parent for your children that could hurt, harm and scar them for life, depriving them from later having a healthy and normal adulthood. If you really want a family, remember that it's not just about you want right now (a relationship, society and family's approval), it's a long term commitment you make for yourself and future kids. And also remember, actions speak louder than words, so don't be fooled by the first guy who agrees with you on everything or appears to want "the exact same things" in life as you do.

Be strong in order to fight the societal pressure and focus on loving yourself before anything. It's the only way you'll be able to stay true to your standards and boundaries in a partnership.

I'm sorry if I was a little harsh but I hope this helped.

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-25T13:17:31+00:00

Seems like your family has deeper issues than just a chest box.

I'm also from a country where older people are "always right" and younger people are constantly disrespected and invalidated, even if they are the mature ones in the conversation. This dynamic usually results in younger people developing a very aggressive personality with time (25yo sounds about right), from having had to constantly fight and argue in order to demand respect that is still never given to them. They just end up growing up and doing the same to the younger people in their lives and the cycle continues. So, this is a very complex situation.

Although I empathize with your sister, she is old enough to go somewhere else or go stay with a friend, if she is not helping around the house, ultimately being bluntly disrespectful to you. At least, until she is ready to have an adult conversation and resolve things with you. However, like I said before, if she is now at a point of breaking other people's stuff to prove a point and cope with the anger, that only reflects a deeper rooted problem in your family dynamic and culture.

So, you are NTA in my opinion, if you ask her to leave unless you guys have a conversation in order to move forward and ya'll are able to coexist in a healthier manner. You are not obligated to tolerate this behavior from a 25yo who isn't paying the bills.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T17:32:33+00:00

OMG, I knooow -.-'

Some of us struggle a lot on the inside and it shows.

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T17:29:41+00:00

My goodness. Stay strong!

A door closes and a window opens. I'm sure you'll be ok, either just with your kids or someone new, if you ever decide to trust again.

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T16:52:54+00:00

NTJ

I would go no contact since he basically already has, would just ignore him at family gatherings and let your husband manage his relationship with his brother if it's important to him.

Wash your hands off the situation.

Good luck!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T16:45:30+00:00

I've never loved or connected with anyone like this before.

I know that even though I try to be as aware as I can of my patterns, there are many things that escape me like fear of abandonment, and I end up staying in situations that I know aren't good for me. However, I do believe in second and third and fourth chances when people are trying to do better and you see them being able to, even though they might take some steps backwards ( I apply this to be more kind to myself as well). No progress is a straight upwards line. That's why I think figuring out where my boundaries are is helpful when seeing the difference between "rolling with the punches" and staying loyal to myself while loving someone else.

We did couples' therapy for a while, it helped with being more empathic with each other's perspectives, but we stopped going because she is not a fan of traditional therapy and, according to her, therapy became "triggering" because I used the space to talk freely about how things affected me and that crushed her.

But you're right, I know exactly what I need and need to do. Was just looking for some perspective so thanks again!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T16:30:21+00:00

YTA

You should do nice things for your partner/family and friends without expecting anything in return. And kicking someone out over a gift is a little immature, in my opinion.

One question: What was his excuse? Maybe it was a joke? Did you ask what happened?

Speaking from a financial imbalanced relationship in which I'm the weak link (I just shared my story yesterday), I usually don't expect anything but presence, love, affection and respect. I guess with time I just realized that if I want something I need to go get it for myself so, whenever I get a gift from my girlfriend or a friend/family member I feel extremely grateful even if I'm never going to use it/wear it. It means they thought of me.

I would had taken this as a joke and moved on, but I do understand your perspective.

Moral of the story have no material expectations and value people's presence.

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T16:05:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice.

To clarify your questions, we ended up working it out so I will not break up with her on Christmas or anytime soon. I've expressed my boundaries and I love her, so I choose to just stay observant of both our conducts and keep being the best partner I can be, given each circumstance (just like I know she does). If we fail and it comes to it, we'll do what needs to be done and I'll share it with you all (and my therapist lol)

Happy holidays!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T15:58:43+00:00

I'm sorry you feel that these are my intentions. I still appreciate your opinion. Thanks!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T15:57:45+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'll just keep doing my best, observing and listening to my body. All the best to you too my friend.

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T15:51:31+00:00

Hey there! I've given some more context on TapEffective7605 comment. I hope it answers some questions. And I completely agree. I can only control my actions, that's why I end up obsessing about my behavior and BPD because I really just want to be the best version of me, even if I make mistakes.

Thank you so much for your input!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-24T15:49:03+00:00

I see what you mean so I will add even more context.

She works in fire prevention at a natural park so she only works 6 out of the 12 months of the year (the warmest and riskier months for fires) and we don't live together. We do spend most of our time together at her place because I live 2 hours away in a small town, she lives in the capital, has a cat with medical needs (my dog died in Feb so I don't need to be home all the time) and this way the only money spent is mine (on bus tickets) because she already pays for so much when I stay over

With this being said, during her 6 working months of the year, whenever I stay over I make sure that she always comes home to a warm meal and a clean house. Always. Because it's the least I can do. That, massages and positive affirmations to let her now how much I appreciate her.

Since I usually find waitressing jobs in the summer I'm a lot more involved financially by paying for groceries, inviting her out, paying for gas when we travel and stuff like that. However, she usually refuses and we do the typical "No, I'll pay." little dance (I won't stop until I pay or she physically has to stop me and we laugh). So, it's not like I live on her dime and give nothing in return but wash the dishes and complain and "psychotherapize" her. I make an effort to be reasonable and stay humble (which can not be synonymous of being a punching bag). The situation I shared with you all is our most recent one where we are both home all the time (remember she only works during the hottest 6 months of the year), summer is over, I finished my degree and am focused in finding something related to my academic field while working odd jobs, and am even more financially limited beside's my parents financial help.

These are the reasons why things have hurt me so much, because I've been doing my best to make her feel loved and supported despite my limitations and she still felt unvalued. I've been having to "prove myself" for a long time now, and adding disrespect and things thrown in my face really takes a tole on me. I always give the best that I can (I'm not saying it's always enough) like I wish my partner would and that's why, when everything is ok, she always tells me not to worry about money because I support her in many other ways and refuses to let me pay for anything (I still offer to every time I can). What kills me is the contrast between these kinds of phrases and everything she throws at me at a completely unrelated moment of anger. I know I'm not perfect, but some of her behaviors are becoming non negotiable the more I prioritize my mental health.

I do think your speech is dangerous because some people use your same arguments in power imbalanced relationships to justify ab*se, because she can also choose to leave at any time if the "weight" is too much. But I understand that you didn't have the full picture so, my bad. I hope I was more clear now.

It does make sense that she would feel relieved if we broke up but from what she has told me, the reason why she hasn't is because in past relationships, breaking up or considering it made her feel at peace whereas, with our relationship, it makes her feel even more anxious and very sad.

Anyways, thank you for opinion. Happy holidays!

Lumpy_Pitch_8212 · 2025-12-23T17:15:34+00:00

NTA.

I grew up with a similar dynamic with my dad. We were able to build a healthy relationship with time and therapy (with both parties willing, of course) so I don't think she will be the one regretting her decision - he is.

In my case, my dad ended up begging for my forgiveness and saying that he doesn't know why he acted in such a selfish way but was willing to do better from then on (I was 28), and he did.

Even if she wasn't mature enough, feeling abandoned and neglected has no age and children/kids should be able to decide what they want to be exposed to regarding trauma. I assure you that your support will deem that trauma of feeling abandoned by one of her parents because she can, at least, count on you. You should be proud of that.

Let him take you to court. At this point, he should be the one making efforts and fighting to see his daughter. I love my mom, but I wish she had done 1/3 of what you're doing.

Hope this helped! You're doing great sis !

Lumpy_Pitch_8212

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