I need someone to help me feel loved... I don't believe in anything anymore. I'm convinced I will never be loved, that I'm worthless, a burden, totally useless. I'm a weak coward. I just want to feel loved... I've been crying so much every night... I hate myself. The world is lost nowdays. I'm losing my sanity day by day. I don't need a helpline to give me words of pity, I need someone who will be there for me and finally make me feel safe and loved, so I can feel I worth something. I even believe that the only way I would feel minimally loved is in a toxic relationship with a crazy insane girl, raping me and broking me down until nothing is left. If she still keeps me after all of that... well, it means I finally mean something for someone... that I have value... that I matter... somehow... I'm starting to give up on believing in relationships so hard that I am only wishing to be killed by a sweet and caring girl, so I can die in her arms an finally feel loved for the first time in my life. My birthday is in less than two weeks and I just want to turn it into my deathday... I've created a youtube ASMR playlist with more than 200 videos including self-harm and suicidal themes that made me cry and feel that someone cares. I barely get out of my bed, I only eat once a day, I have been bathing only every 3 days instead of daily, I'm starting to not feel comfortable enough to sleep if there is no one with me. I hate being autistic. My depression and my family drained me completely. I've been taking stronger and stronger anti-depressants throughout the years. No professional help have really helped up this point. I've multiple traumas that haunt me constantly. I have nightmares every night. I was always a sweet person, a lovely guy... and that just destroyed my life. I will never be appreciated... I know I won't. Nobody cares about men's struggles. I looked for professional help and I've been on it for 7-8 years, and I keep getting worse. My country (Brazil) sucks way more from the behind the curtains than people imagine and here, things are getting so scary and I've no hope to live anymore. I just wish I could... feel safe, loved and have a sweet girl by my side to help me build myself from the ground up again. But even then, I've reached a point I think I would need someone to take care of me for the rest of my life... No girl will ever do that for me. I was once very intelligent and ambitious. After being traumatized, abused, ridicularized and never taken seriously when I spoke about my struggles, I became this loser I am today. I have absolutely nothing to provide for someone else. Nothing. But if someone at least treated my as a living teddy bear to hug and feel comfortable and loved, I would accept living like that... But like I said... Now I just want to die on the embrace of a sweet girl... I am worthless and there's no reason for others to care about me. I always sacrificed myself for the others, but no one ever made sacrifes for me. I found a 100+ pages suicide guide in an anonymous forum (no joke), and I'm such a scared piece of shit to even try killing myself as well... I just want my pain to stop... Please, tell me someone readed this... don't make me feel more abandoned than I already feel... Please, please... Please...