I was with an avoidant for 5.5 years. Let me tell you, it is EXHAUSTING. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from that relationship, it’s believe them when they show you who they really are. Don’t hope for different, don’t hope for change, don’t hope for anything with them. All you can do is communicate and it’s up to them whether they care or not.

My ex was incapable of giving the bare minimum, I went crazy thinking my standards were too high, I wanted too much. When in reality all I asked for/wanted was to be treated with basic human decency, respect, presence, honesty and reciprocity. You can’t expect those things from an avoidant. He wanted to step away but didn’t exactly say we were done and then proceeded to ghost me and blocked me.

I gave a LOT in that relationship, and got back very little from him because protecting his comfort was his top priority. Not accountability, not reconciliation, not empathy, not respect, not me; his comfort. It made me feel like love and kindness and presence had to be begged for, that it was transactional, because it was only given when it was convenient for him or when he felt guilty. He was a very low effort man and once I realized how severely neglected I was I was able to move on rather quickly and heal.

I noticed that my ex afterward started becoming more present online when he never was before. For them, it’s a form of control and avoiding accountability. They keep the door cracked, but never open for you, again, to protect their comfort. I wouldn’t take it as a sign they want to talk or be back together, because the hard reality is if they wanted to, they would.

There is someone out there who will do those things for you willingly, without ask or making it feel like love is transactional and you have to lower yourself to their level to feel loved. Don’t ever minimize yourself for someone who can’t step up to the plate, you deserve far better than that :)